Is My Praying in Vain

It’s been a while since I wrote anything, not necessarily because I didn't have plenty going on. I just didn't really have a way to verbalize it. I also have kind of been going through a spell of “Am I praying in Vain, HOW long must I wait for what seem simple requests?” I felt bad for feeling this way and didn't really feel it would be a good thing to write about, but God reminded me that my blog is called, Memoirs of an Imperfect Christian for a reason. J  For at least five years I have been praying over my relationship because I truly want a husband and at least one more child but it seems no matter what we get to a certain point and there is yet another obstacle or excuse to overcome or keeping us from going to that level.  I have also started to pursue other options in my career and it seems those doors are being slammed in my face as well.  I started to feel very discouraged and very frustrated about it all. Meanwhile seems as always everyone is getting new engagement rings and promotions while I am just stuck in a bubble.  I started to think maybe God just ignoring me or saying no to everything I asked because He doesn't think I deserve that kind of love.  I sulked inwardly for a few days reminding God that in His Word it states, “It’s better to marry than to burn”, does he want me to burn! I did this for a while before God whispered to my spirit, “I know the desires of your heart and WHAT and WHO you need and will suit you best. Hold on a little longer.” I breathed a deep sigh of relief and although I am still a bit tired of it all I know that at least God has not forgotten me.  I know that I am not the only one that has ever felt this way. That God is putting your prayers at the bottom of the pile.  It’s very hard to not lose heart during this time. I know God can do all things beyond what my finite mind could possibly imagine but every so often I wonder will He do it for me. I am so thankful that God reminds me that He is still working on my behalf, and has not forgotten me. He has gave me a new peace of letting go of certain things knowing that what I may see as a loss, eventually will be a gain that only God could orchestrate.  I had to let go of trying to have any control and except things for what they are in regards to both things. As hard as it was to do that I felt like such a burden was lifted because I am not trying to make things happen either way…I am doing my best to see what God is going to do on my behalf.

Psalms 55:16-17

Projecting Positivity

My mom used to have this DIVA group  a few years back that would meet monthly and talk over topics and do projects as you can call it. Oh and of course EAT! J My mom had this great idea for an assignment for us. I use the word great in the most sarcastic fashion possible. The way the assignment was presented was ways to get our men/husbands to change their horrible ways. Of course we were all down with that, because we all had some things that annoyed the snot out of us about our mates. We had no idea we were being tricked and bamboozled. The first assignment was for us to tell our mates that we love them and appreciate them choosing us to be the women in their lives. Then the next thing was to not say a negative word to or about our mates to anyone else for thirty days. Last we had to do something or say something nice every day for a week specifically for or with our spouse. Ok…now I know you all don’t know all of my friends and the women that were in the group but I must say this scared the snot out of our mates. Almost every single one, with the exception of the newlyweds in the group and my mom, mates asked what was wrong? Mine asked was I dying or something? My mom pointed out that it was an absolute SHAME that our mates thought something was wrong because we were being nice to them. I have to admit I was shocked at how surprised mine was that I was being so nice. I felt kind of bad…..not much but kind of. We even had one woman say she can’t be nice that long to her husband because he purposely agitates her. She didn’t make it through the thirty days of Project Love.  LOL We were a mess. By the end of this experiment we all realized that this  had nothing to do with changing our mates….but changing ourselves!!! Go figure. After the initial shock our mates did indeed start to respond differently to us but above all things our actions and responses changed.  Could it be that we may have been a big part of the issue all along? Isnt that the way life is a lot of the time? We go through blaming others for how we react to them, or for our lack of happiness. We often speak of how someone MADE us behave that way. The real deal is that we control how we act and that is it. We can’t change anyone else or how they act but we indeed can change how we behave and react to others. Although this project was a real pain and sheer trickery on my mom’s part it taught me how positive actions often get a positive response.

Fools and Babies

I remember when my son Caleb was 2 years old or so my husband, me and the kids were headed out when someone ran smack into us. The impact was very hard and shocking. Add to that I had never been in a car where the air bag deployed. If you have ever had the experience it can be real frightening when it pops out there is a loud noise in the mist of that smoke comes out. I remember seeing all of that and thinking the car was about to explode. I started screaming, “MY BABY!!!!” I jumped out, opened the back door, and yanked Caleb right out of that car seat and took out to running as fast as I could. Keep in mind there were three other people in the car with me and Caleb that not only did I not think about, but made no effort of any kind to worry about if they were safe until it was clear me and Caleb were. My husband jokingly stated how I obviously didn’t care about anyone else in the car but me and Caleb. My reply basically was that was my baby and he was helpless, they were big enough to fend for themselves!  Caleb had no idea what was going on. As a matter of fact that little boy slept through the whole drama including me screaming and yanking him out of the seat. He didn’t wake up until I started to call his name once I stopped running because I then was worried that maybe he was unconscious.  He didn’t miss a beat! I always worried if my child was in danger if I would have the nerve to go in for him. I learned that day even though I thought the car was about to blow up I wanted to get him to safety with me. Being a momma brought a lot of things out of me I never would have thought I had. Survival for me took a different turn to where I was not only responsible for my well being but my child’s well being above myself.  WOW! I have to admit a big part of my leaving and divorcing my husband was the kids and if I truly wanted them to grow up in that environment and the affects it could have on them if I stayed. I loved him so I probably would have tried to stay if it weren’t for them. Even now in my relationship I am conscious of how our actions could affect our children later. From the time they are born you spend the rest of your life trying to make sure they are ok. Magnify that love times a number we can’t even imagine and that is God’s love for us. He takes care of us when we haven’t a clue what is going on and covers us from all harm that we see and that we don’t see.  That is beyond awesome. I remember a saying my both my grannys would use….”God takes care of fools and babies”  I’m so glad of that because I am well beyond being a baby. J

Gone

 

You said you would not hurt me again…but here I am with tears running down my face because you are saying there is no place…for me

You call me a friend, a spiritual counselor and a beautiful woman inside and out..but obviously that kind of beauty is not appealing to you

You told me I needed to smile more and lighten my face and I did but the same way you helped me to smile you helped me to frown

I mean am I suppose to smile through this pain, and laugh at this gut wrenching yank I have felt from you and your shanagans

Maybe if I wasn’t so busy smiling and laughing I would have noticed all of the things that were false that I thought were true

Maybe if I was so busy trying to show how worthy an great I was I would have noticed that all the time you were saying not for you.

I walked blindly adding year by year inspite of the tears and pain, I would forgive and let go again again and….again

Something must have been wrong with me right, I mean who tries to convince a person that love truly exists by being there for them

I must have been crazy by thinking my sacrifice of my body, time, and heart would be enough for you….

Now you look at me with eyes of boredom, and at times as if you wish I didn’t exist but when I look at you…oh when I look at you

All you see if love, care, and bliss..because you are the one I thought loved me, and cherished me for who I am was I wrong

Obviously so..because now..you are just gone.

Just Say No

When I was younger I had the hardest time saying no to people. I didn’t realize until I was almost 30 that this was really a problem. Now don’t get me wrong if you were a total stranger or someone I could care less about no was an easy response for me. However, if you were my mate, family member, mate’s family member, friend or even an associate of any kind…..I just felt horrible about saying no. It was really a problem when it came to men because I may want to wait to go to certain levels but never did because I wouldn’t say no. I would run all over town for people when I was sick knowing I should rest. I would pick people up and run them on their errands….and just basically be every ones beck and call chic. I would be worn out but just silently still did all of it. This fear of saying no started young. I was molested as a little girl…then raped as a teenager so….no was an issue period for me with men because I was afraid that if I said no they would just take it anyway…just seemed easier to say yes. Somehow that not saying no spilled over into all areas of my life for a period of time. When I got married I still hadn’t mastered saying no but I believe after maybe a year or so I woke up one day and decided to say no to everyone and everything except my husband. I said no….to rides…pick ups…errands…Sharhonda do you mind’s, Hey what you doings….they all got a big fat NO! At first it felt like I was being mean…but after I said it so much it became addictive. An finally it got to where no one called me for anything unless they had truly exhausted all other options. Even then they were hesitant to call me because they just knew I was going to say NO! The saying no to men didn’t so much come into play until I was divorced. This was not as easy for me but God started to show me that I am so much more than my body had to offer for pleasure. Once I believed that in my head no could just roll off of my tongue without a second thought. I am sure if you asked anyone that has dated me or tried to date me they would be able to say that they never would have guessed that I had a NO problem at all. A lot of the time people are so worried about what others may think of the, or being upset with them they are afraid to say no. As I did, they run themselves raggedy for others or do things that give them no pleasure. There is nothing wrong with saying no to people, or making them figure things out for themselves taking you out of the scenario. What would they do if you were here? They would figure it out. When it came to men….well I say if you really want me…as simple no wont stop you from trying or pursuing me. That just means they have to decide if Im worth getting to know or they can move on. We all have had things that we need to grow from. This is one of those things for me. The next time you don’t want to just say no….it will be ok…and sometimes no is the best thing someone can say to someone.

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Forgive to be Forgiven

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Forgive to be Forgiven: I used to be one of those people that wished they could stay mad for a long time. I am awful at the silent treatment, or staying mad for...

Forgive to be Forgiven

I used to be one of those people that wished they could stay mad for a long time. I am awful at the silent treatment, or staying mad for long periods of time without a second thought. I would hear my friends talk about how they would give their husbands or significant others the silent treatment for days at a time…and I admired their stamina but my reply would always be…What if something happens to them while you are mad because he won’t let the toilette seat down? That thought alone would get me every single time…What if something happened to him while I am mad at him? I have been to those funerals where people have held grudges for years against someone they love just to realize it’s not worth it, and there is no way to take it back….I have had people to do some of the worse things to me an against me but I have found that letting that go is the best thing to do for myself. Don’t get me wrong that doesn’t mean that I am foolish enough to let them back in my life at the same capacity they were before. That means that I don’t use energy on holding on to those angry feelings I would have to have in order to hold that grudge for long periods of time. One of the best things we as individuals can do for ourselves is to let go of unforgiveness and malice in our hearts towards anyone or a situation. Here is a HUGE example…I was molested by my step dad for three years of my life but I don’t have a hatred towards him. Now don’t get me wrong I don’t want to sit and have Sunday dinner with him or chit chat with him like he tries to do when he sees me but I don’t wish him any harm. I don’t spend my days hoping he runs off of a cliff. I had to let that go pretty early in my life because it was holding me down. It was holding my wings to tight for me to fly if that makes sense. Then as I grew more spiritually I learned how God forgives all of our transgressions, but if we can’t forgive others how can we expect Him to forgive us? Not only does God command us to forgive others for their transgressions against which is more than enough to make me want to be more forgiving in my life but have you noticed how people that hold grudges and hatred towards others are sickly people. It not only destroys you spiritually it can make you physically ill harboring all that inside. Something else I have found is that I would have to keep reminding myself how mad I am…I have to PURPOSELY stay angry about the situation. That means I would have to remind myself that I have to keep that part of me angry. That means that anger is taking up a piece of my heart where love can be…why waste heart space on hatred? We all have heard how it only takes one rotten apple to spoil the whole bunch well….that anger doesn’t just stay in one section of your heart before you know it has  spilled over into other areas and takes over your life. Don’t let anger, malice or unforgiveness take ownership of your mind, spirit, body or soul! Let go of those things and move on with your life as God intends it.  

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Testimony

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Testimony: Last night we did a testimonial skit. I wasn't too sure about adding this to my blog but I kept getting this feeling that I should. I ...

Testimony

Last night we did a testimonial skit. I wasn't too sure about adding this to my blog but I kept getting this feeling that I should. I did this presentation with poster paper which is why its spaced out all weird. Nonetheless I pray that someone reads this post and realizes that everyone comes from somewhere and some like me have had various things that were hard but made it out of it. This is in no way to bash my ex-husband...the accounts are true...but I have no malice or ever want any harm to come to him and pray for him even to this day. This is strictly because it was put on my heart that someone could benefit from it. Now....here is one of my many testimonies of how God delivered me.

 

Life is an AMAZING unpredictable journey that is filled with unexpected twists and turns.

Growing up I always looked forward to having a man to sweep me off of my feet, I never wanted to be alone.

 I married my husband at 21 years old; I was head over heels in love with him!

That first year our son was born and he was adorable!

I felt truly blessed that God blessed me with a man that loved me no matter what my past was

I needed him to make me feel complete, and whole in my life….

Of course we had our share of problems…but everyone does right?

Our son was a few months or so old when my husband went to prison, he was gone for two years

I worked hard to take care of our son and to have a nice place for him to come home to this time we were going to come out on top

This would be our happily ever

After about a year we started to argue a lot about but we always made up and vowed to stay together no matter what

Later I found out my husband was experimenting with different drugs but he assured me he was just having fun and it wasn’t something he had to do and could stop  at any point

I believed he had control of his habits until he stopped coming home for days at a time, leaving me stranded begging for rides home or walking.

There were times he would pawn the car to his supplier to drive until his debt was paid.

I kept it all a secret because I was ashamed to tell my family or friends what was going on…. so I covered for him and pretended everything was normal.

Eventually I started to believe I should leave…but I found out that I was pregnant and decided to give it one more try because I was convinced that was a sign to stay

He even went to rehab but when he got out soon after he started back using again; I went into premature labor at 30 weeks

He took me to the hospital…went to move the car and didn’t come back…I was scared and alone…and ashamed..I became hysterical…so the hospital staff called my mom

I was ashamed that my mom saw me like that, but she came and sat until I was calm and the labor had stopped…I was put on bed rest to keep the baby healthy

I had our daughter 6 weeks later and she was healthy and happy and beautiful. We moved for the 6^th time out of 7 years….

The arguing continued, I finally decided it was over and felt God would understand, and I started to plan to leave but I still loved him and had doubts if I was doing the right thing

He stopped by on what would have been our 7^th anniversary August 28^th 2004… high and angry at me for not calling him….he accused me of sleeping with other men…things escalated

That night my husband beat, raped and held me hostage while my kids were sleeping in the next room, threatening to kill me and my family if I ever left or kept him away from the kids

That was the longest night of my life I spent praying for what to do to make it out of the situation and keep the kids safe.

He eventually passed out and we were able to sneak out of the house and call the police after I made it to my parents house.

When they got to the house he had taken a bottle of pills when he realized what he had done and I was gone.

I went to the emergency room, and the police let him go, I pressed charges and got a restraining order, and went to stay at my parent’s house

He called me and apologized for what happened, and God placed it in my heart to forgive him, but not to stay married to him. I still pressed charges.

I went on with my life. God blessed me with a job and a place to live on my own. I had peace of mind. He began to restore my mind, an spirit.

HE SAVED MY LIFE

HE RENEWED ME!

HE GAVE ME PEACE!

HE SHOWED ME LOVE!

GOD DID ALL OF THIS FOR ME!

AND HE WILL DO IT FOR YOU!

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Tonight is the Night!

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Tonight is the Night!: How many of you read my title and started to instantly think of that song Betty Wright sings? I must admit I did. Sorry what I am blogging ...

Tonight is the Night!

How many of you read my title and started to instantly think of that song Betty Wright sings? I must admit I did. Sorry what I am blogging about today has nothing to do with that sort of thing….maybe another day. I wanted to talk about my journey planning the Daughters of the King ALL Night prayer retreat. This is my second year leading the Prayer Retreat and it is very good for my soul. Last year I was totally unprepared for the trick and pitfalls the spawn of hell had for me but this year I was better armed and sited up for all the things ahead. I truly believe that often we are so unprepared for the war we have to fight daily. We all have some kind of war going on…whether it’s a war on a lying tongue or war on choking the life out of someone who almost ran you off the road on the way to work. We all have a thing we fight daily. Well…while I am planning these prayer retreats everything that may be laying dormant in my spirit wakes up full force. I have tests and pop quizzes that I couldn’t ever imagine. I was so exhausted last year after all the different things that happened and to top it off the same week of the retreat I got super sick with a dreadful cold. It was kind of funny how the different prayer retreat leaders were bringing me meds and orange juice because they dreaded me not being there to lead the retreat. Nonetheless, I made it through and loved the end result. I have learned as an adult Christian that each time God wants to take me to the next level there are a series of test that I go through and until I pass those sufficiently or learn the lesson to be learned I have that same test over and over. There is nothing worse than a redo! It’s like being lost and thinking you are finally on track and realize you passed that same gas station an hour ago!!!   This year I must admit I do have a couple of redos because I have definitely not arrived and I must say I can be a bit stubborn when it comes to sooo many things!  Trust me though God definitely doesn’t give up on us even when we think we are so set in our ways we have no need to change.  He has a compelling way of getting us to conform. When it’s all said and done I am so glad that God chose me to represent Him in this way. I start off each time with the purpose of enlightening someone else but in order to do that I have to be enlightened. God always puts the perfect study in my path and I can definitely say that has happened while I studied the book “Unglued Making Choices in the Mist of Raw Emotion by Lysa Terkeurst”. Just reading the title gave me chills and I knew that was what we needed this year. I know I have lots of raw emotion that is just out of control at times. I have been accused of having a bad temper when I get upset there is no stopping me and if anyone attempts to them they can get some too. You did notice my blog is Memoirs of an IMPERFECT Christian? Don’t judge me. (J) This book taught me so much about controlling my emotions and not letting them control me. I even was reminded that when I allow someone to get me all bent out of shape and lose control of my emotions I no longer have the power because I have gave it to them! She touches on amazing points regarding how to handle raw emotions and help them work for us and not against us. I chose the name title for the retreat Daughters of the King because I am all about empowering women to live as God’s (the King of all) daughters. What better way to start that than knowing how to handle our raw emotions. I am so excited! Tonight is the night and I pray that God is pleased with what we have put together through His direction and guidance. Meanwhile….I have lots of running and last minute work to do before 9 tonight! I guarantee you though I will be tested all the way through…I sure hope I pass them all so I can be at the next level! 

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: What Language Are You Speaking??????

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: What Language Are You Speaking??????: I have spent years trying to get the man in my life to be more affectionate and lovey as I call it. I often picture him grabbing me an h...

What Language Are You Speaking??????

I have spent years trying to get the man in my life to be more affectionate and lovey as I call it. I often picture him grabbing me an hugging me an telling me how much he loves me because I am a real blessing to his life. On a really good day I even picture candle light dinners with us slow dancing the night away.  We have such different personalities when it comes to expressing our love. I am always telling him I love him, and calling him sweet little pet names. Where he rarely ever does more than grunt when I say I love you, and he doesn’t so much as call me my nickname let alone a pet name.  A few weeks ago I decided I wanted to hear more than a grunt back after my I love you. I even gave him a short but effective speech on how  “normal” people say I love you back….unless he doesn’t love me. I had to throw the last part in with a blank stare.  His response was interesting because he said, with a puzzled look, “I tell you I love you ALL the time!” I guess we were both puzzled because this man says I love you maybe once a quarter IF THAT! An just like this time it’s because I am making a deal of it and he knows I need to hear it. Otherwise, a simple grunt in return is what I get. Later I rethought the conversation and realized that it was possible for ONCE I may be wrong. No, he doesn’t SAY I love you much at all, but he says he loves me each time he buys me a gift, or when he is there for me through whatever I have going on whether it be sitting with me through a gynecology procedure or taking off work to take care of me after a major wreck, or something simple as getting me my favorite foods to eat.  The list goes on and on….but that is how he tells me I LOVE YOU. I know someone is reading this thinking…DUH….but don’t we all at some point do that? We criticize someone else because they don’t do things the way we do them but that doesn’t mean that their way is wrong. That was a BIG step for me because I felt like he should love me the same way I love him and it should look the same way that I present it to him with lots of lovey dovey words and hugs and kisses where he took on more of an action approach. We often want to judge people that are not like us or that don’t communicate as we do, but each person has a unique way of doing things that allows us to reach people in various ways. Don’t let someone else speaking a different language than you make you put up a wall assuming their way is wrong. Instead learn their way and you may see that love has more than one language!

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Change of Plans

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Change of Plans: I love love love my kids and their daddy but on any given day they have the potential to make me bat crazy!!! This morning was a prime exam...

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Change of Plans

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Change of Plans: I love love love my kids and their daddy but on any given day they have the potential to make me bat crazy!!! This morning was a prime exam...

Change of Plans

I love love love my kids and their daddy but on any given day they have the potential to make me bat crazy!!! This morning was a prime example of that. I woke up a bit irritated because Jackson(our family dog) decides to break my sleep not once but twice last night because he needed to go outside….TWICE,  once at 2 am and the second time at 5 am. I regrouped and decided I would get back and start to work early because I have had a crazy week and needed to make up a bit of time. I get up to wake up my daughter. Wake up honey. She murmurs and goes back to sleep. I go back again up the stairs she is still sleep. I wake her again…and again…and AGAIN! Mind you she has several alarms set as well just for this purpose. I finally pry her out of the bed and keep trying to push her to move faster…I am convinced she didn’t just to agitate me. We rush out of the house to the bus stop….and…..THE BUS HAS ALREADY COME!! WHAT!!! I go back home, now in a full blown irritation because this kid doesn’t even care that she has thrown my schedule off. I wake up her brother and here we go again… he is in slow motion when he is usually already dressed and just has to put on shoes. I am telling him ok hurry I have to now take your sister to school. I think they were in cahoots because he was moving just as slow as she was. Finally I went and banged on the bathroom door and told them that was enough of all that lets go. I left the house later than I planned…with an extra tripped I didn’t plan..and the regular trip that was in the plan which meant…when I got home I could forget about an early clock in because I would be doing good to clock in on time.  I gave my kids a stern lecture on how no one in this family thinks I have anything else to do but worry about what they want to do but that I have responsibilities outside of running them where they need to be. They didn’t seem to care much about my fussing which made me angrier. KIDS!!!! UGH! Aren’t we the same way as Christians? We make these plans on our own that have nothing to do with God’s plans for us and just like my morning things go haywire and all off track and we try OUR plan again with a little more tweeking  and make it worse than the first time we tried it. I thought this morning how patient God has been with me when I THINK I’m going to change HIS plan by going my own way. How He must shake His head at me all of the time for interrupting His plans for me. Just like my kids I always want to go my own way not considering anything else or how I am delaying the plans God has for me. So the next time I’m fussing at my kids for messing up my schedule of things I will remind myself how it delays things when I try to change Gods plans. 

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: God vs your potential mate parallel

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: God vs your potential mate parallel: A while back I had a friend to ask me for some simple tips on dating and how you can tell when to run for the hills. I wrote this for her an...

God vs your potential mate parallel

A while back I had a friend to ask me for some simple tips on dating and how you can tell when to run for the hills. I wrote this for her and in hindsight realized I wrote it for me as well. I hope you enjoy it.

 

 

Meet and Greet

 

God meets you where you are. He accepts you. He doesn’t try to change who you are but takes who you are and shows you how to take that and be productive. He know just how to talk to you and loves you just as you are.  The man you start to date should always accept you as you are. He should never come in with the attitude of shaping you into what he wants you to be. Now don’t get this confused with him wanting you to be all you can be. That is a totally different thing, God wants you to be at your best and any man you date should want the same. When I say he accepts you I mean your personality, your ways, everything that makes you an individual and he recognizes your strong points.If you are a thick girl…he shouldn’t come in saying…I like skinny women…or if you are a natural woman he shouldnt come in with a box of perm for you to put on your head!

 

Talk

 Do you realize God talks to us everyday? He is that “something told me to…..” He talks to us through our dreams, through nature, through song….and most important through his word. He doesn’t try to hide or play games he talks to us and let’s us know he is real. The man you are dating should be able to talk to you. God knows our language and what we mean without translation.  He should be able to hold conversation with you, it doesn’t have to be deep…but it does need to happen. Communication is so crucial in all relationships. If you cant talk to each other then what will you do with each other when you have issues or problems. Your man should want to know your language. That is part of knowing you. Also learn his.  (note to you…if you can’t communicate with God openly…then you may have an issue truly being able to communicate in your relationships)

 

Pursuit

 

Now here comes the juicy part and the fun. Do you know that God wants a relationship with you, a real intimate relationship with YOU!!!? Now don’t mistake pursuit with chase, no God will not chase you down and trip you and jump on your back to get you to accept him. God does, however, show all he has to offer to you if you just trust and lean on him. He shows you how much better your life will be if you just commit to him. Your mate should do something similar. What does he bring to the table? How can he enhance your life? (note: Do not expect your MATE to be able to make you happy, you have to have happiness from within, but he can enhance your happiness…if you count on him to keep you happy, OH what a roller coaster ride you are in for, because he can’t keep you happy all the time. That is why you have God first…ok?)

 

 

Commit

 

God is fully committed to his relationship with you. (it’s us that are iffy) He promises to love us, guide us, listen to us, comfort and always be honest with us. (just a peak of all God  is committed to do in our lives)  I think we have the point here, but your mate should be committed to you and making your relationship work. He should want to be there to love, guide (yes), listen, comfort, and so on and so on. The truth should always be the center of your relationship. God is truth. God is love. Ok, are you getting this? You want the man you are with to reflect God as close as possible. He can’t be perfect like God but he can possess certain qualities that mirror your relationship with your heavenly Father.

 

Lord I want to know you and understand you see: Exodus 33:13

Draw Near to God: James 4:8

Do not Awaken Love Prematurely: Song of Solomon 8:4

God is Love: I Kings 8:23, 2 Chronicles 6:14, Zephaniah 3:17

 

TID BITS

As you read this ask yourself as well what you can bring to the table? Are you accepting of your mate? Also don’t expect to have someone that is something you are not. If you are selfish don’t expect your mate to not be. If you don’t communicate well don’t expect communication to be good between you. If you are not trustworthy then don’t expect him to be. I’m sure you are catching what I mean. You have to love yourself first in order to receive, or give love. As stated above, don’t expect your mate to be the center of your happiness. That is too much pressure for anyone. If you are a miserable person, there is nothing that poor man can do about that. That is something you have to deal with prior to pursuing a relationship outside of your relationship with God. God FIRST, then go for the man. LOL This will make your mate easier to spot, you can spot the OH NO’S quicker too. Most important continue to trust God and ask him what he thinks about who you are with, and to show you the real man you are dating. Ask him to clear your mind past his looks, income, or materials, or even how he makes you feel. Ask God for the deep stuff that will matter in the long run. The one thing that I didn’t mention that I would think would be a given…be sure the man knows God!

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Promise Keeper

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Promise Keeper: Not long after I started to write this blog I mentioned a promise I made to God to do six months of celibacy.  It is a promise I made so lo...

Promise Keeper

Not long after I started to write this blog I mentioned a promise I made to God to do six months of celibacy.  It is a promise I made so long ago but it seemed before to be so hard to keep. I had been told to do it by so many people. This time my mind was different though. I was determined that I would keep my promise. I am not sure if it was more because I felt like I was in a circle of insanity that needed to be broken and I was convinced that I was being tortured as a result of me not doing what I said I would do, or if I just knew that it was time to go to a new level and my mind needed to be reset to follow my spirit. Either way I was determined. Now I absolutely know that abstinence is what I should totally be but with me being a person that has always been in over drive in that area I had to start here and in the mist of this six months God showed me so many things that I was blind to, He also showed me how I was using that as a tool for affection and a false sense of security. WHOA! Typing that even gave me chills. My mind is so much clearer now and I also got a chance to get confirmation about some things I was questioning. One of my great worries was that the man I love would freak out or just be doing whatever he wanted to do while I was keeping this promise.  He and I were already at a weird cross road as it was what would this decision that, by the way, I didn’t tell him I had made until maybe a month ago when we were talking,do to us. I had a fear of losing him all together and at the same time I had anger because it wasn’t fair for me to do this while he got off scot free!  Aren’t we funny that way when it comes to God calling us to do something we don’t want to do? Why do I have to do it and they don’t?  That is as bad as my kids fighting over whose piece of cake was bigger or how unfair it is to have to help clean up when the other one made the mess. We all at some point have complained about things not being fair or right. The first thing that came to mind once I stopped whining was that if its easy to do then it wouldn't be a sacrifice, and if it wasn't a situation that only God coudl have control over then how would He show His glory yet again to me? With that my lessons began! I quickly re-learned that I can’t worry about what he should or shouldn’t be doing because this was about what I needed to do. I also had to remind myself that God is in control of all things including the man I love  who is His child first!  It was very hard at first and I had to constantly replay in my head, “You can’t control anyone else’s choices, or actions. God has your best interest at heart in all situations including this one, and there are some things that need to be revealed through this to you.” After about a month of these self talks I began to truly relax and prepare for the lessons my clear mind, and dedicated heart were to receive.  God use this time to show me MYSELF!   It wasn’t  exactly a pretty site to see but it had to be done. The first part He showed me was desperation. Desperation is an ugly trick of the devil. In desperation you fall for things that make no sense, and settle for the unsettling all because you feel your time is running out and anything beats where you are now. I cringed when I saw it on someone else and God was like hey…that was you at some point. UGH! That is not cute and in desperation I have made some crazy choices that ended badly. The next thing He showed me was  lack of confidence. I always considered myself pretty confident but I sometimes struggle with not using sex as my confidence booster. I shared how in the past I felt that was all I had to offer and although I know better now every so often I start to slip into that old pattern I had set if I don’t catch it right off. I was able to show self control though in these situations because I was tempted pretty heavily to jump off the wagon right onto a rock road! Next thing He showed me was that I am not the easiest person  to get along with either. I complain quite a bit that my lovey is very hard at times but this was a simple reminder I'm no cake walk myself.  In my defense  I am the first to tell the cost anyone pays when they date me.  Next I saw the man I loves point of view and although I don’t completely agree with some of his thoughts or how he communicates them I have a better understanding of why he reacts the way he does. I learned more about his communication style verses mine and just because they are different doesnt mean either way is wrong. And we are better friends because of it! (Aint God Good!)Lastly God reminded me that HE HAS ME!!  We as Christians say we know God will take care of us and our needs but we often don’t truly turn things over to Him and HIS will. I could worry myself silly trying to figure out how this relationship will go or I can work on the things that I know need work as far as I go. In the end I know I will have a happy ending. Don't get me wrong I by no means have this perfected AT ALL but I am so glad that I saw these things for myself. Sadly half of my lessons came through friends who were in various situations but while I was sitting there shaking my head at how ridiculous their situations were I shook my head right into a GIRL THAT WAS YOU!!! God shows us the ugly truth when we are focused and ready  to receive it it. Divine revelation is a wonderful thing! Now I have reached my six month promise but I’m in no rush to jump into anything which is another surprise to me! God has kept His promise to show me things I needed to know, growing me and the man I loves friendship, and taking care of those areas I feared but had and still have no control over. At the same time He made me a testimony to someone else that may share the same experiences I have, and since I have been there I can better understand the struggles involved with no judgment. I don’t mind being the lesson when it can help someone else along the way. God is definitely a Promise Keeper and I'm so glad if nothing else I can count on that to be a fact. 

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Be Grateful!

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Be Grateful!: Anyone that has older kids know that things can get really hectic with their schedules! Between my son having basketball practices and his ...

Be Grateful!

Anyone that has older kids know that things can get really hectic with their schedules! Between my son having basketball practices and his games, and my daughter cheerleading, choir and safety patrol duties, that is enough to give every family member a head ache trying to keep up with it all. To add to that my children have friends!!! That means birthday parties and visiting and a bunch of Momma can I’s trying to go wherever. Last weekend my kids were gone all weekend for the most part. If they weren’t spending time with friends they were with cousins somewhere but they weren’t home. This weekend I decided that I wouldn’t run myself silly and my kids would have to just be satisfied with those in the house for their entertainment pleasures. My sweet baby started to ask me Friday if she could venture out for the weekend. I gave her my answer with more detail than she truly deserved but nonetheless details. I ended up following those details with a stern talking to after she decided to pout because she didn’t like that I wasn’t letting her go anywhere this weekend. I was really annoyed with her for being so ungrateful after we had ran her all over town all week, and I said yes all last weekend then this one time I say no she has an attitude and has the nerve to be moping around here like she never gets to do anything. As soon as I got through fussing and grunting at her this message came to my mind….How often do I whine and complain about one thing that didn’t go my way after God has blessed me with so many other things that did!!! WHOA!!! I looked at our little sunshine as she walked off thinking who knows what about me and wondered is that how I look when I’m moaning and groaning about something I thought God should do in my life and His will and mine were not on one accord. How ugly is that?  I immediately felt bad and the desire to start to work on this fault I had. I understood better that rejoicing in my “no” moments is just as important as rejoicing in my “yes” moments. How often do we focus on the things we don’t have not acknowledging the abundance of blessings we do get? I may be the only one that has a ungrateful spirit from time to time but on the off chance that I’m not I want to invite you to join me on the “I AM GRATEFUL” challenge. I am grateful that God knows better than I do because the reality is I have no clue what is best for me. So this means if He has said no there is a good reason behind it, even if its something as simple as testing my response to getting a no…will I walk away and pout and whoas me or will I say ok God You know what’s best for me You must have something better in store later. This is an important lesson of faith we have to learn from day to day. I’m so glad God pointed this fault out to me so that I can better strive for perfection.

Ephesians 4:29 - Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (NIV)

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Plug-ins

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Plug-ins: I was sitting here enjoying the fresh smell of a newly bought plug in. I love when I walk in and smell fresh linen in the scent in my hous...

Plug-ins

I was sitting here enjoying the fresh smell of a newly bought plug in. I love when I walk in and smell fresh linen in the scent in my house. As I set here thinking of how nice it smells I remember reading something that I believe T.D Jakes wrote that was aimed towards women. He was basically telling women of God to be careful what they let plug into their spirit. I often tell myself and friends of mine this same thing. The first thing that comes to mind is intimate relationships which is indeed one way but we can also allow co workers, friends and even friends to plug into our spirit. This can be a fresh linen experience which is beautiful and refreshing in our lives. Unfortunately, often we allow spirits to plug into ours that are not refreshing or beautiful and before we even realize it we have taken on those stinky ways. I used to hear my elders often say "Who you are around is a reflection of who you are" I never really took that to heart as a younger person but through experiences and relationships that often unaware we take on attitudes, sadness, and problems of the people you are around. Have you ever had a co-worker or person that was depressed or always had issues an whenever they left you felt just as depressed as they were. You found yourself wondering why you feel bad when your life is fine. You have allowed that person to plug into your spirit. Be careful and be aware of this. When you are ministering to people be sure to be prayed up and be aware. This seems to be something that women especially have to be aware of. God made us to be covered. Be sure that before you go into spiritual battle whether it be people you are around, relationships, or people you minister to that God is your covering an that the only spirits you allow to plug into your heart, mind and soul are the FRESH LINEN SCENTS!

 

1 John 4:1

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Let HIM Hold You

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Let HIM Hold You: This is something I wrote for the women group I lead at my church W.O.W. I thought it would be neat to share with you all. Some of it wi...

Let HIM Hold You

This is something I wrote for the women group I lead at my church W.O.W. I thought it would be neat to share with you all. Some of it will be familiar to somethings I have already shared but its still a good read.

 

We as women like to feel secure. When you hear most women talk about their needs the most you hear is they want to have time, consistency, and affection. All of these things help you to feel secure. I remember a lot of the times in dating I would just want to have someone there to hold me while I slept. Since my divorce the main thing I missed was having someone to hold me while I sleep. I am slowly learning to let God hold me. This is not easy when you are used to using men for this. I did say USE. God wants to hold you and provide that comfort and security that you desire to have. Have you ever felt like no matter who you are with you don’t seem to get enough love, affection, or security? Have you ever wondered how your relationship with God may be affecting this part of your life? God wants to hold you and embrace you in a way no earthly man can. There is a song called Falling In Love with Jesus. Have you tried that? The words state, “ In His arms I feel protected. In his arms never disconnected. In his arms I feel protected. There’s no place I would rather be.” Does that not cover all that you desire? WOW! That is awesome. It can be hard though when you are used to seeking a person to comfort you, you almost go through somewhat of a withdrawal initially. Once you find comfort in knowing that God is your comfort then you can have peace in His arms. When you find that peace in His arms that will take away the desperation that tends to happen searching for man to be able to comfort you. That will make you more focused, and keep you from attracting men that recognize the neediness in you. Have you ever had a friend or acquaintance that always ends up with the same type of abusive man and you wonder why she keeps getting these men that are abusive…there is something in her that attracts those men. Until that thing is changed within her by her learning to let God hold her then she will continue an endless cycle of bad relationships. For example I used to be a thug magnet. I mean I loved me a thuggish man, and they loved me. I always would say that the other guys were boring or square, then I would add but he is a nice guy, and is good to me. Which parts of that was true. However, these relationships were doomed from the start. Initially it was just fun, and they always were sweet, but then came being afraid all the time of things that could happen, jail, shooting, and God knows what else. Time would pass and I would question how “nice” they were if they were doing things that would hurt other people and their families. Whether it was selling drugs or just beating up the local crack head. I would struggle to change him, and convince him that my way of living made more sense, all because I wanted to make it work. I could never change him. We always ended up going separate ways because of our differences.  It was until I changed my way of thinking, and something about how I carry myself did I stop attracting the “thug”. LOL It is very rare that they even look my way now. If they do I am not looking theirs. I know a big part of that was my growth in the word of God. The more I grow spiritually the more confident I become in myself. The more I walk and talk with God the more I love myself. It is the intimacy I have with God that has changed in me. Now I am not perfect, no one is, but I am growing and recognize the changes. I want you to concentrate of letting God hold you. Let him hold you with his word, peace, love, patience, truth, comfort…I could go on and on. God has endless capabilities for you. In the mist of his arms you will be nurtured and grow into the woman God intended you to be from the start. Take charge and get off the endless roller coaster of bad relationships, whether it be friendships or relationships. Tell God you want an intimate ongoing relationship with Him so that you can have healthy relationships in your day to day lives. Let God hold you first, so the next person that holds you deserves to be there.

 

WORD SAYS

 

 

Psalm 119: 2     How blessed are those who observe His testimonies,
         Who seek Him with all their heart( check out this whole chapter of Psalms)

 

Psalm 130: 7  O Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with him is full redemption

 

Psalm 136 READ IT ALL…His LOVE endures forever!(smiles)

 

Song of Solomon: 8:6 Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy [Or ardor] unyielding as the grave. [Hebrew Sheol] It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. [Or / like the very flame of the LORD]  

 

Isaiah 54:10 Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you

 

HEY KEEP READING THE WORD! These are just examples that actually have love in them but there are testimonies of God’s love from Genesis to Revelation!! Remember to let Him hold you, and embrace God into your daily living.

 

 

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Woman's Place

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Woman's Place: One of the things that me and my friends do is sit around and talk about our significant others or the lack of significance in the male spe...

Woman's Place

One of the things that me and my friends do is sit around and talk about our significant others or the lack of significance in the male species just depending on what is going on with us. With my girls we all are pretty much on the same page but in a room full of women I don’t know as well I tend to get dirty looks and eyes rolled at me when I begin to talk about how women have a role and place when it comes to relationships. It goes so far beyond giving him the business at least once a week and looking cute. Now before I start this blog let me say we are not talking about what the men don’t do today…we will save that for another post day. Let’s talk about us today. J One of the most interesting things I saw on a post I was reading was a man stating that, “Women want a man that handles business, takes care of home, and leads like old school men used to but they do none of the things old school women did.” I absolutely couldn't argue with him on that as much as I wanted to. All I could say was well….so….! I couldn't argue with him because I have sat and listened to SOOO many women tell me that I’m crazy for cooking for my man when there are Burger Kings, McDonalds and Taco Bell stays open all night long. Now,   I am perfectly fine cooking and cleaning, doing this and that because I am even more perfectly fine with HIM changing tires, taking care of the car, taking out the trash and the dangerous task of killing any critter that I think may cause me harm or despair.  I have called my sweetie from his house before to kill a wasp that was terrorizing us and even though he thought it was beyond ridiculous to get off his cozy couch to kill a bug he came!(MY HEROOOOO) I could go into why women are out of roles and why men are not in their roles but that is not what my focus is this time. It’s more about our expectations as women vs what we put out to attract real MEN. We complain if a man wants us to cook but think he is pretty sorry if we can’t call him to change a tire. We expect a whole lot for little to nothing or we exchange way too much for someone who brings nothing at all to the table while the good guy is shaking his head at our stupidity.  Now let me say I am surely no expert in love but I can definitely give input on what I know and have learned these last eight years or so. If you listen great if not…carry on.  I was raised to believe that men were responsible for taking care of the household spiritually, financially, physically and mentally. That doesn't mean he sits and bosses everyone around, or whoops up on everyone in the house or any of that craziness. He makes sure things are in order and safe for his family. Whether we realize that or not that is a great, tiring, high pressured, frustrating, responsibility for a man to handle. In return the woman is the person that spiritually backs him, nurtures the household, mentally reassures, builds up and when needed gives him a push that he can accomplish these things. She doesn't carry him on her back….but she helps him to see clear when things seem all blurred.  She is almost like his cheer leader daily! He can depend on her to be honest and encouraging all in one. He knows her opinion will be honest and what is best for him. She is not a thorn in his side, or a kill joy!  There is a verse in the Bible that says “It’s better for a man to live on a roof top than in a house with a quarreling woman” It’s funny at first glance but so many men, including the one I love, has said no one wants to come home after a long days working hard to an un-peaceful environment with someone that never appreciates anything and has nothing but complaints as soon as he walks in the door. I had to learn this method the hard way I am embarrassed to say. I would get irritated about something with him and think on it all day long and by the time he hit the door I was raring to discuss all he hadn't done and all that I was going to do if he didn't do better. I didn't really care about his day and as time went on I noticed he looked simply miserable when he came home. Then I got mad about that and fussed about that. Then he shut down and guess what…I got even madder at the nerve he had to not want to talk about how stupid he was being. In my defense he always had dinner and a clean house and I looked the best I could when he saw me before I started to complain. J It was much later and lots of frustration on both our parts later that he shared how irritating my timing would be and that he cared about my thoughts but at least let him regroup from being beat up all day at work. He wanted a little tenderness and a smiling face instead he was met with the bride of Chucke as soon as he hit the door.  This is an area I had to work hard at because my mouth is pretty expressive to say the least and my timing is not the best when I have a point to make.  We want a man to treat us like ladies but when we open our mouths we sound like sailors. We want a gentleman but we don’t have the patience to wait for him to do it because we want it done in our own time. We don’t want him to rush us to have sex but when he doesn't we rush him.  I have purposely looked at things I needed to work on and the domestic stuff is easy but those things that create peace I have been working on a lot. I don’t want my Hero to be hiding by the chimney because my head is spinning on the inside of the house. Which of these things do you see that needs work? Maybe you are like me and fight with harsh words bringing him down, or maybe he wants a hot meal and is always getting tacos or burgers from fast food places, or maybe he needs a friend and you have no time and he needs to just man up! We all have areas to work on including me. An these are just a few things that we are supposed to do. If you need a list and you don’t believe me check out Proverbs 31:10-31! When I read that list I realize I have lots of responsibility and accountability to carry to be ready for my King….how about you?

I Got Joy Joy Joy Joy Down in My Heart!

Have you ever woke up in a great mood ready for the world then someone forces you to go off on them because they cut you off on the freeway? Or your co-worker that is not your favorite gets on that last nerve you reserved just for them? Or your kids just refuse to cooperate or behave anyway like you have showed them to be the proper way? What is the first things we say? Now see you have messed up my entire day! Or he/she has pulled me out of my happy place…OR the Devil always stealing my joy. Those are just to name a few. But my question to you is this...Can someone truly steal your joy or do you give them your joy or feel good moment?  I used to work for a place prior to my current position and initially I loved what I did. I didn't have to talk on the phone much at all. I did most of my work through the systems set and email. Anyways back to my story. We switched supervisors and to put it simple she lacked the skills that any professional should posses. She would refer to us as b*****s when she talked to us. I remember her specifically saying, “I know you b*****s went and reported me!” I just sat and turned to the rest of my co-workers with the reply, “She must be talking to you b*****s because she is NOT talking to me!” She and I clashed quite a bit because of her mouth and lack of professional behavior. I must admit there were a few days that all sense of pleasure I had doing my job disappeared. I would wake up thinking of excellent call in excuses, and when I was at worked I stayed plugged in to my headsets with them on blast for my entire day just so I didn't have to hear her voice at all. I tried talking to her superior, and even meeting with her and someone else mediate but nothing seemed to help. Then one day I recall her saying that she knows I am mad at her every single day. It was kind of funny because when I made this next statement I didn't realize how true it was. I replied, “I don’t care enough about you to allow you to have me mad daily!” Of course when I said it I meant for it to sound as mean as it came out but it was true. No I didn't wish her any harm or any of that, even if at this point I thought about causing her some myself. I did however realize that I was in control of my own feelings and happiness and by allowing her to cause me such stress was giving my power over my own emotions away. WOW! Who wants to give someone like that their power? Not me. I purposely made myself be in a happy place in my head even though it seems I was in the pits of hell daily at work. It was the best thing I could do for me. I was able to smile and say good morning to her in the morning and mean it. I could communicate with her and I even would head special days for her such as bosses day or her birthday when no one else ever wanted to. I even would listen to her talk about her guy problems. (yes I know!) So I am telling this brief story to say we control how we feel and how we allow others to make us feel. No one can steal your joy, not even the devil. If we lose it, it really is because we gave it away. So the next time someone is ruining your day, morning, moment, or ENTIRE week…remember that you can stop that at any point. Keep your Joy.

HAPPY MONDAY!

Yesterday started off early at 5:30 am! I woke up feeling refreshed, well rested and ready to start my week off RIGHT! I made sure I prayed and had a moment of peace and quiet which was a big thing for me! I went to the Joyce Meyer convention this past weekend and had a great time while getting some very valuable information that I was rearing to implement in my day to day life. I got my little girl up without having to repeatedly remind her she was supposed to be woke ten minutes ago. I got dressed and the plan was to come back to the house after I took her to the bus stop and use that thirty minutes before I had to wake up my son to leave working on the prayer retreat lessons and activities. I had it all worked out and was so proud of myself! YAY! I walked outside in the pitch dark to take Wootie to her bus stop and my tire was completely flat. (blank stare) I grabbed her hand and we hiked up the hill to wait for her bus, and I decided that maybe I could make it to a air pump after I get her on the bus. This was going to take me the entire time I had set aside to study and start to put things together for the prayer retreat. Wootie got on her bus and I went back to my car and realized there was no way I was making it to the gas station. Unfortunately, my mom had to wake up my Daddy to try to help me get the tire fixed. Now I am beginning to wonder should I call in or not but I didn’t. Daddy went to get some fix a flat which unfortunately couldn’t fix that flat. Then the neighbor was kind enough to let us use his compressor. In the mist of all of the commotion I called “my hero, my love” to tell him the car was on flat. I got quickly frustrated with him because he didn’t seem to have any real solutions but mostly questions. We waited for the compressor to fill the tire for thirty minutes before we decided it wasn’t going to and it was best for me to just catch a ride to work, and Ma took our son to school. I am becoming more and more agitated by the moment that “my hero” hadn’t so much as called to see if I was ok. How selfish of him to not even check on me. I have been working on keeping my mouth shut, yes I know, but I’m working on it so I didn’t say a word to him. Ok so here I am on a Monday with a flat tire, didn’t get to study or get anything done for the prayer retreat, no money to get a tire or even fix it, AND to top it off the man I love is not offering one bit of empathy for me! To top it off in the mist of all the mess I didn’t fix breakfast or bring a lunch and all I had was a little over a dollar in change! Sigh…I typed fiercely in text complaining to one of my sisters ,who is familiar with me and my relationship and always seems to help me to be level headed, about how hurtful it is that he won’t even check on me, and how this day started off horribly and I didn’t get a chance to study or anything! The devil is picking on me today!(GLOOM DESPAIR AND AGONY ON ME!!!!) I get to my desk hungry and just glad to have made it within the time I needed to not be late. It then dawned on me that I had danish in my desk and a bottle of orange juice that I had saved from last week. I had breakfast! I didn’t have a car so I asked a co worker if she would mind getting me something off the dollar menu with the change I had and she told me to tell her what I wanted and she would buy it and to keep my dollar. I had lunch!!! I decided to take my books and notes with me and used my hour lunch break to spin ideas and lessons for the retreat. I was still really upset that he didn’t call and check on me, but I needed a ride home so I asked him to please get me from work. I regrouped my attitude, put on some lip gloss and re-pinned my hair before he got there because I can’t be looking a hot mess when he sees me even if I felt like one. I put on a happy face, and I just resolved in my head that there was no point in staying mad at him at least he was coming to get me. I get in the car and he turns to me and gives me a list of things that are going to take place to take care of the tire and he had already taken care of the cost and everything. I just looked and felt so relieved that I hadn’t said A WORD to him about how I was feeling, and very happy that he took charge and didn’t have to fret about it anymore! MY HERO!!!!!(batting my eyes) WHOOOOO!!! I told this long story to say a few things first of all things don’t always go as planned but God uses those opportunities to show us how He works things out even when our own plan fails. Things would have been a lot worse if neither of my parents were willing to help me because I nor my son would have gone anywhere. If I wouldn’t have made a mad dash last week for those Danish and orange juice then I wouldn’t have had breakfast already. God knew Monday would be MANIC!!! So He made sure that was taken care of. Then God showed me kindness from someone else by using my co worker to be a blessing to me when I was ok with just getting a ninety nine cents chicken sandwich, God saw to me getting an entire meal. God showed where I still had time to do work for Him during my lunch break for an hour instead of thirty minutes. He sent me the greatest ideas and thoughts in the mist of that time! Then He AGAIN showed me that everything I feel emotionally isn’t necessarily true. He showed me that just because the man I love doesn’t communicate the same way I do, or isn’t nearly as verbal as I would like doesn’t mean he is not thinking of me and God redeemed him in my eyes as “MY HERO” yet again! Oh…and that keeping my mouth shut is not such a bad idea sometimes to avoid misunderstandings, at least until I see the situation through in its entirety! WOW!!! LOOK AT GOD!!! It turned out to be a HAPPY MONDAY after all!  

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: So You Call Yourself A Christian

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: So You Call Yourself A Christian: So You Call Yourself A Christian   When I was a teenager one thing that would drive me more nuts than anything is when another girl w...

So You Call Yourself A Christian

So You Call Yourself A Christian

 When I was a teenager one thing that would drive me more nuts than anything is when another girl would call me and ask me do I CALL MYSELF dating such and such? That was one of the most insulting things and it was usually followed with me losing it right then and there. It definitely pushed my buttons. Who knew that that same phrase used in such a different way would be equally annoying? That phrase changed to An She CALL HERSELF a Christian! OR and she SUPPOSEDLY is a Christian! OR she a FAKE Christian! That used to just burn me up when someone would say that to or about me. How dare they question my Christianity! Don’t they know I’m saved and filled with the Holy Spirit?!!!! It sounds funny but I truly felt like flipping out totally when I would hear that. Then I realized that what someone else questions about who I am doesn’t matter in the least as long as I and God know who and what I am. If we all remember correctly all through Jesus’ mission there were people telling Him that He wasn’t who He claimed to be and ultimately crucified Him. Do you act like your calling? Do you act like your claim? I don’t ever expect to be a pillar of perfection ever because I know that is an impossible task. I do, however, strive for perfection daily. I don’t wake up with evil intent, and I trust God in all areas of my life. Those things are what make me who I am in the Lord. So when someone calls that into question, although I know I am far from perfect I don’t get near as mad as I used to.  When they say so you CALL YOURSELF a Christian I evaluate who I know God has called me to be and I reply YES…I DO! J

WAGING WAR II

One of my favorite songs by CeCe Winans is Waging War!  The lyrics repeat a protest of, “I'm tired of principalities messing with me(Waging war)I'm tired of the devil stealing from me(Waging war)I promise he won't get one more thing(Waging war)I'm taking it back taking territory(Waging war)I'm ready for the battle I'm ready to win(Waging war)my weapon of power He lives within(Waging war)I can't be defeated the enemy gotta flee(waging war)I'm taking it back taking territory”  I love how she sounds so confident that she is the winner of the battle when she sings it. I feel the confidence all over me. One thing that we often don’t realize daily we wake up with a battle to fight and if we are unaware of that we fall into all kinds of pits. Last year was the first year for me planning the All Night Women’s Prayer Retreat. I knew that I would meet some challenges but I had no idea how hard those challenges would be. I had crazy stuff going on from the finances, the kiddos, and the man. I was very overwhelmed and beyond exhausted but I did recognize what was going and no matter how upsetting these situations were I continued to pray and ask God to show me the way. I fought and fought and fought my way through all the madness….and needless to say the retreat was a true blessing and I lived to see yet another day for battle. It’s that time of year again and we are gearing up for the retreat again with an awesome topic of Daughters of the King! An you guessed it the devil drama has started right up as soon as I send out the invites and get my crew in order! The difference is the reaction to the pitfalls and traps that are set. Last year I wasn’t surprised but I was in tremendous despair but this year I pray that I keep a level head. I also realize that I am at a different level than I was last year because I kept fighting. An I am always ready to see where God is taking me next. Do you recognize your daily battles? Do you realize that the more you grow the more test you will have? I mean you can’t believe the devil would give up your soul that easy when his is condemned for all of eternity to burn. I challenge you to get up every single day ready to WAGE WAR knowing the battle is already won over your life, and your soul. When you are doing great things in the name of The Lord expect great tests, but just know after the test is a great reward. 

CHOKE HOLD

I am a person that loves very hard which is good…when its used in the right perspective. I am go getter and most people that know me know that if I set my mind to something I really press towards trying to get it…which can be good….again in the right perspective. Top that off with assertive and stubborn and boom there you go. I admit that I have a tendency to hold tight to my ideals and desires. Recently I blogged about how I made a six month celibacy promise to God because for me to purposely not have sex for ANY amount of time is a challenge but six months to me is like years. I must say I didn't want to do this for a few reason one being the obvious thing…I wanted to do what I wanted to do. I didn't want to be uncomfortable but most of all I didn't want the man I love to be sleeping with anyone else. In all honestly that was the main reason I hadn't kept the promise the first few times I made. I was scared of what he might do. I mean to me it seemed very unfair for me to stop and he possibly go all willy nilly doing whatever and that in no way matched what I wanted. Finally, I decided that keeping my promise was more important than my physical desires or my love interest. That was hard for me because in both cases I was putting my own desires aside to do what I told God I would do. Initially, I didn't have much support from a few of my friends. They didn't seem very optimistic that I could or would do it. I made up my mind FINALLY that in the big scheme of things I absolutely have no control over what anyone else does other than me which launched me to not have concern about what he may or may not do but only on what I plan to do and trusting that God will work the rest out. Five months has past an I have seen so many great things during this five months about myself and my actions that I never would have got if I would not have stopped the things I was doing. I have a clear head and see things in a different way. And I let go of the fears I had and took on a “If God says it, it is so!” Not if Sharhonda says it but God. That was the most amazing thing I could have done and as a result he and I are great friends. We have been able to truly talk. I am not constantly pressuring him or pushing him. Not because my desires changed but because I know no matter what happens it will be in my favor in the end. I said all of this to say sometimes we hold on so tight to those things that we want or desire we choke the life out of it. All we have to do is step back and put God first. So even in this last month home stretch I am in no rush to jump back into things, but just soaking in the fact that God is doing some awesome things right before my eyes. What thing do you have a choke hold on in your life because you fear losing something or don’t want to give up your own desires…let it go and it will start to breathe and flourish right before your eyes. 

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Random Thoughts

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Random Thoughts: I can say that I am a big sucker for romance. I love a good love song and the thought of a man sweeping me off my feet just thrills me. ...

Random Thoughts

I can say that I am a big sucker for romance. I love a good love song and the thought of a man sweeping me off my feet just thrills me. Even in my dating prior I always wanted the charming guy, didn’t matter much if he had a job or any of that just be sweet to me and he would have me. Of course my standards have grown tremendously, but I can’t lie I still love romance and I am always calling the man I love “MY HERO” as I bat my eyes when he seems to have rescued me yet again. I of course am grown enough now to know that life is definitely no fairytale but I also know that it doesn’t have to be a horror story either. I am perfectly fine with somewhere between to make a perfect balance. So many women now are perfectly fine with just a male in their life even if he lacks substance beyond physical attraction. I may be crazy but I want it all. This means I want a man that is independent, strong, loving and most of all knows God.  When I tell the man I love that he is my hero it has nothing to do with him saving me from a fire breathing dragon but since day one he is there even if he is fussing along the way he is there to save the day. Men used to expect to be manly in the relationship but now the goal seems to be to do as little as possible and I must say it is not their fault totally. Why work harder when they don’t have to? If its not a requirement why do it? My Momma has told me for years that we teach people how to treat us. How are you teaching someone to treat you? Are you valuing your body as much as you expect him to? Are the words of you mouth edifying or terrifying? Are you a lady or something else? You get my point. We cant expect to have a great man in our life if we are carrying ourselves in a trashy way. Sometimes we dont realize that we are running off potential good guys with our behaviors in how we carry ourselves. Everyone loves a good romance novel but the reality is nothing in real life is that fru fru. Take a strong look at what you represent verses what you say you want verses what you get and start to make changes for the better to get better result. 

Are You Somebody?

Earlier this year me and my mom had the privilege of going to see President Obama inaugurated for a second term. We knew this was history in the making and probably would be a long time before we would witness something as monumental. We wrote our state congressman to get tickets so we could get closer view of things instead of just standing around. It was amazing!!! We were right by the sidewalk so we could see all the famous people walking by and some would stop and take pictures with and for us. Of course there were people of all kinds there. An actor stopped and was taking pictures and this woman yells out “IS HE SOMEBODY???”  The actor that was initially bright and happy instantly turned cold and aloof. It was obvious he was offended by her so rudely yelling that out. I was offended for him so I could imagine how he felt. When she yelled that out I instantly thought what would make him “somebody”? I mean isn’t everyone “somebody”? I may not be famous or rich but I consider myself “somebody”.  If you base who you are on what others think of you or your status in society then you are possibly setting yourself up to be let down. We have all seen those tragic stories of people that were famous and rich but still miserable because they lacked self esteem and worth.  People thought they were living the life while all the while they were suffering in a private hell because they didn’t feel they were anybody special. Do you feel like you are anybody special? So many times we don’t feel special because someone else doesn’t when it’s our job individually to see the good in ourselves. So many people are broken on the inside and seek others to fill the voids that are within. I was that way at some point if I could just have a man I would be happy, if I just could have a good group of people around me I could be happy, if I could be accepted I would be happy. What I realized as I grew which happened a lot after 30 is that I can’t count on anyone else to fulfill me. Anybody else is an enhancement not an all that beats all. If my happiness is based on if someone is there or no, or if someone else behaves a certain way I will be miserable more than not. We all know that people can be flaky at best and if my self esteem was based on that I would never be happy with myself. I also find it unfair to expect any one person to be your happiness. If you can’t be happy with yourself then how in the world can you expect anyone else to? I make it a point to be my biggest cheerleader, first to compliment me, and pat myself on my own back. I don’t expect the man I love to complete me but to enhance my completeness. I know this all sounds like common sense but so many of us don’t get these simple things and wonder why even when we get that man or whatever we are still not happy. Start from within….love you first…and know that you are “somebody” even when nobody but you knows it.

GROWING SPIRIT

GROWING SPIRIT

I was baptized when I was nine years old. I will never forget the excitement I felt that I was saved and going to heaven because I accepted Jesus in my life. When you are a little kid it’s very exciting to tell everyone what you know and how you are saved. Anyone that I have ever known that was raised in church went thru a phase of “IM GROWN NOW AND NO ONE CAN MAKE ME GO!!!” This includes me. When I turned 18 church was a hit or miss for me. I may go if I felt like it or not, which most times was not. I did this for about two years or so. I really got back into it more when my husband and I got married and then got shaky again mid way through. By the time we were going thru our divorce I knew that I needed to grow not just for me but to set a good foundation for the kids as well. I stepped outside of my box and started to attend a different church than I grew up in. This is when I started to flourish in my growth. This is when I started to have the gift of dreaming. Being a spiritual dreamer is one of the most amazing but frustrating things that has happened in my growth. I remember the first years or so I would have dreams about people and get messages that I was supposed to get. At first it would be just dreams and as I continued to grow I would get woke up at night to pray or hear a message for someone else. It made me absolutely nuts initially because there is nothing like getting woke up at an odd hour from a sound sleep for SOMEONE ELSE!!! I would moan and groan and complain about it with God until I realized that did no good and until I did just what I was supposed to do there was no rest for me and if that meant God would wake me up at 3am every night then so be it until I was obedient to what He wanted me to do. This was so difficult for me because the messages I had weren’t always ones someone wanted to hear nor did I want to deliver. Before this growth I didn’t even believe in this sort of thing. Now it’s a regular thing in my spiritual life. I think the most amazing thing is when my grandmother comes to talk to me in my dreams. I even had cousins I was really close to come see me in my dreams too. I don’t really tell a lot of people this stuff that I am saying because let’s face it people that don’t know about this sort of thing for themselves will give me a side eye.  Anyone that is a Christian should know that staying stagnant shouldn’t be an option for you, and if it is then you are cutting yourself off from some awesome experiences that only your growth and Gods power can bestow upon you. If I would have never stepped up and out then the growth that I experience wouldn’t have happened. I wouldn’t have a clearer understanding of who God is and the power that he embeds in each of His children. I am wowed every time God gives me a message for someone else and when I go and tell them they know exactly what I am talking about when I haven’t a clue. The only answer I have for that is that God chose to use me at that moment for that purpose. Now I have had people get mad at me or reject totally what I say…and my reply to that is always ok Lord I did what you said please let me sleep tonight. Lol I have even got to where I see a thing here and there for me but in all honesty my life dreams make me probably more nuts than getting messages for others. Each of us has a spiritual gift from God how big it grows is up to us. Don’t be afraid to be a growing spirit.