Psalm 103:14

Am I the only one that has ever felt like God is laughing at them? I say all the time that I think I am being punished for all of the "fun" I had as a young person. I only feel that way when I am reminded that I am not exactly where I want to be in so many areas in my life. It is so easy to encourage others and believe for them that things will work out for their good but when it comes to my own life I get beyond irritated and inconsolable. I don't even want to be talked out of feeling how I feel. I had a few days like that this week and I must admit I am just now coming out of it...kinda. I did realize that knowing, understanding God's plan and trusting God's plan are not necessarily things that go hand and hand. For a moment I can admit I did neither. Since I didn't understand(still don't) the plan I didn't trust it. I was wondering if God even cared about my desires and needs. I was so mad and hurt I, for a moment, didn't believe God had my best interest in mind. When some may read this they will think that is the most absurd thing I could ever think let alone say out loud. But I dare to say that at some point we have all felt that kind of disappointment or uncertainty especially when it seems that things seem to not ever come together for you. It could be a relationship that failed, money issues, or feeling that no matter how far you try to get ahead things don't pan out. The thing that I have to remind myself in all of these situations I face is that God is in control of ALL things in my life. I absolutely have no control of God's plan for me but I have to TRUST that it all works for my good even when the process makes me feel like crap. Wednesday when I went to bible study I asked the Pastor does God hold it against us when we feel the process is some bull. He chuckled and guided me to Psalm 103:14 "For He knows our frame, He remembers that we are dust." Thank God for that! Can you imagine the trouble we would be in if God never took into account our mindsets and will. I know I would be in a butt load of trouble for sure. This week reminded me that I am but made of dust and in the end I don't know what is best for me. Someone once said to me "Once you realize you don't know anything and God knows it all your life will be so much easier" Even when I think my plan is the best one for me God's plan will exceed any plan I may have. The next time I am mad about something I thought would go my way and don't understand God's choices I will remind myself that..."I am but dust...."

Why is all I have...

Have you ever looked at a situation in your life and want to yell to the mountain tops like Nelly from The Color Purple..."WHYYYYYYY!" ? I get like that on a regular basis and even more irritated that there is no answer to the why. One of the hardest things is to go through situations that work your nerves and not being absolutely sure something positive will happen as a result. I have found in my life that MOST situations either end in a valuable lesson or serve as great testimonies. I'm not sure which this situation is contributing to but I do know it must be mighty powerful because I have NEVER dealt with so many trials at once that I have no control over. I admit I am beyond tired but I thank God for the strength to always keep moving no matter what I am feeling. I know some good will come out of it in the end. I'm just ready for the good to come.

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Blindfolded Kicking and Screaming

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Blindfolded Kicking and Screaming: It seems I write some of my best writings when I am not in the best of moods. Well today should be a GREAT writing because although I am fee...

Blindfolded Kicking and Screaming

It seems I write some of my best writings when I am not in the best of moods. Well today should be a GREAT writing because although I am feeling much better than I was when I first woke up this morning I am still out of sorts as far as my “happy meter” goes. Friday we had our annual ALL Night Women Prayer Retreat and we had an activity where one person leads the other person around with a blind fold over their eyes and each time around they went faster and faster where the person blind folded had to trust the person leading them more and more. The activity was meant to show how relinquishing control to God can be very hard at first because we are not completely trusting of how things will turn out, and we still want to go our own way that we are comfortable with. One of the key points I drove home and we talked about was we have to RELINQUISH CONTROL  so that God can take the lead, and that He knows better than we do what we need and how we need it. Well low and behold I get a test this week in all of those things and now here it is Wednesday and I am just beside myself.  I was driving into work this morning exhausted, and disgusted with a few situations in my life that touch the top three things that can annoy the mess out of me: my family, the man I love, and finance in that EXACT order. It just seems like so much going on in my brain and when I think I am getting my bearings together in one area something else is working my nerves. The thing that is even more annoying none of the situations are anything I really have control over and anyone that knows me knows I may be a procrastinator in most cases but I don’t like my life to seem out of control! The last few days have been exhausting for me and today I am just not happy AT ALL. I was driving in to work with tired eyes and just an irritated, disgusted spirit. I usually turn from the gospel station after Sunday, I know it’s a shame, but this week I just haven’t been able to because I need every bit of the Holy Spirit I can get to keep from going postal on anyone. So this morning I was thinking of how unhappy I am right now and how it seems that God is just having a great laugh at my expense and not hearing me at all in my prayers. Then I questioned am I unhappy that I am having these situations or unhappy that I have to wait on God to fix them? It is definitely the latter of the two. Granted the situations are definitely not ones I would ask for and don’t get me wrong I still think that God is paying me back for all of the “fun” I had as a youth, but  in reality I know God is not out to get me. I venture to say everyone has had moments like this where you just want to pull the covers over your head and put red paint on your door as you hope what seems like THE WRATH passes over you and your household! That is definitely how I have felt today.  I am realizing this is one of those very times I just talked about at the Women’s Prayer Retreat where I need to RELINQUISH CONTROL and it is a test that I can admit I have NOT been passing so far. I have done the exact opposite of what we talked about…I have been kicking and screaming to get my way in my time frame. Then I stopped doing that and tried to figure out a plan for myself.  Last night I just decided to cry until I passed out sleep and then woke up angry this morning. Kind of sounds like a toddler throwing a fit until they realize they absolute are not going to just get their way. I realized that no matter how I kick and scream and cry God has already worked the plan out and believe it or not it is what is best for me. And although it doesn't seem like it now I will thank him for it later. Thank you God for yet again showing me a mirror of ME!