Judging Discerment

I remember being at work one day and hearing there were new people being hired and sitting there working as they came to introduce the new hires. I remember looking up for a split second when they made it to my desk and seeing a tall, white woman with long hair and a deep country accent. I instantly thought…she didn’t like black people.  I decided at that moment that I wasn’t going to deal with that particular person. Well somehow within months me and that same lady, were and still are the closest of friends and during the time I held that position she and I were practically inseparable. We found that we had similar struggles and opinions. Of course she loved frog giggin where I prefer a pedicure but otherwise we were a lot alike.  Later she told me when she met me she thought I was a real butthole and planned to not talk to me unless she absolutely had to and I told her what I thought about her. When she heard that I thought she was racist she had to laugh because she actually was quite the opposite. Still to this day we are the best of friends. I told this story because I know that I am not the only one that does that.  How do we tell the different between judging someone and discernment?
I truly believe that God gives us discernment so that we do steer clear of certain things and people. However, more times than not we are judging someone by what we see not by what God is telling us. What’s even more bizarre is we are MORE LIKELY to ignore that tiny voice that is warning us. I can’t count how many times I have known better or have known someone was not good for me, not by their looks because most times what’s not good for you or to you looks wonderful, but held on to it or them for dear life. Meanwhile, rejecting what is sensible for nonsense. We are so funny that way. Some of the best people in my life are people initially I had judged to be one way and come to find out they were quite the opposite. That sure explains why God tells us not to judge, looking at me by myself would be a mess for sure and we have no way to look into someone’s heart as God does. The Holy Spirit, however, does warn us when we should not latch on to someone or something. We should work more on judging less and discerning more.

Stop

Stop

 

I was fourteen when I started willingly having sex. I remember my moms husband catching me and my boyfriend right in the middle of the act. I was mortified but I thought given his history he wouldn’t dare tell on me. BUT he did, and I got in so much trouble. It was close to Christmas and I remember my Ma screaming in the phone when he called her at work and my dad all the way in Indiana just furious. Not to mention they both sent any gift I had back!! All I got was a trip to Indiana and a lot of uncomfortable questions and not to mention they talked to his parents as well. The stupid thing was I didn’t care about any of that because I was only worried about whether my boyfriend was going to still be with me because I just really truly thought he was “the one”. I even told my parents that he and I were going to be together forever and get married. Twenty three years later I barely want to even speak to him let alone want to be with him. I think back now over all the relationships I have had and just in the last year or so realized I wasn’t in love near as many times as I thought. I always felt I had to have a boyfriend and I never took breaks. As a matter of fact I used the next to get over the last each time. Did you catch that word USED? It wasn’t until recently did I realize that I not only did I not love these men I used them for my own selfish motives of not being alone. The sad thing is with so many of them they were physically present but I was still alone because they were not emotionally healthy and neither was I. This was a great revelation for me but I had to dig into why I had such habits.  When I started to spend more time alone with me after my divorce I saw that I never gave myself time to really take a breath and get to know myself. I was obviously scared to be alone with myself. That sounds crazy I know but its true for so many people. My alone time with me during this period was an awesome thing God did with and for me. I had time with Him more because I wasn’t trying to please anyone else or distracted. This is when I learned my worth in God’s eyes versus my own eyes. I realized that I had low self esteem and often based my relationships on physical and not much beyond that. Physical is great and all but you sure can’t keep a relationship going with it. Who knew? J  God showed me what true peace felt like and that my body was not a tool to be used to lock in the deal. Yes I said that.  These are just a few things God showed me during this time out.  I had to be worn out to hear and see what God had to say and show me. I didn’t have a boyfriend because I was exhausted from my marriage and I just was not interested in being settled down with anyone. This was a first for me. My divorce was a devastating thing but what God did with me during that time was awesome. I am so glad that He showed me that I don’t have to have a man to justify who I am because I am who God says I am. If you are the sort of person that seems to frantically go from one relationship to the next in fear of being alone with yourself you are really doing yourself and the people you date an injustice. Take the time to completely regroup and let God direct you. Don’t use others to get over the one loss because that is not love. Don’t use people as fillers so you don’t have to be alone or go without physical contact that is not love either. Stop, pray, and take a breath. I promise you it’s the best thing you could ever do for yourself. I know no one wants to spend life alone. I am not saying that at all but I realized and am reminded quite often that I don’t have sense enough to run my own life the way I want  and that from what I have seen as far as me going off on my own shows my track record is not so hot. So what do I have to lose by doing something quite opposite of a method that doesn’t work anyway?  NOTHING! I challenge you to completely, wholeheartedly take a timeout and let God redirect you spirit, body and mind.

Walk Away

Last year around this time I was going through what was the beginning of a big fall out with two of, at the time, my closest friends. One I even claimed as a sister and shared my family with her because we were that tight. I have known both of them since we were fourteen years old. I thought that it was the normal type of stupid quarrel that women have for some reason with each other which was truly not uncommon for this set of friends.  It started simple with the one I will call Sister Friend not talking to me. We went from talking every single day, texting and emailing to total silence. I wasn’t aware of any issues or anything I did, and every time I would ask what was wrong she said she was busy or just had a lot going on is all. I thought it was odd because we always had a lot going on but I trusted that if she was upset with me she would tell me. Meanwhile every time I would bring up to Best Friend that Sister Friend wasn’t talking she would change the topic as if I didn’t say anything. I was getting really annoyed with the both of them because obviously something was wrong and it was something I wasn’t privy too.  While this was going on I had a bit of a scare at the doctor because when he went to do my annual exam he found a cyst tucked deep away. Anyone that knows me knows that I have had some not so great experiences with this sort of thing. I really needed my sisters to be supportive. I had to go to a radiologist and get the cyst tested for cancer. Over the years I have had chryo surgery, and a leets procedure done so to say the least my nerves were quite shot this day and the last thing I needed was some mess. Knowing all too well my personality BF told me why SF was mad at me. In short, I told BF something that I thought to be true but it actually wasn’t true until after I said it. I know it’s confusing. I was very mad that the both of them knowing my situations couldn’t stop for a minute and see how things went with this health issue I had going on. I had people that I just met within the last few years calling me and praying with me while I waited for this appointment and the results of the test but the two people that were closest didn’t.  I was very hurt to say the least but I wanted to work out whatever was wrong. SF was still not talking to me but now that I knew why I sent an email since no other form of communication seemed to work. I explained to her that I thought what I said was accurate because of the last conversation we had. In her reply to me she said a bunch of things that I didn’t agree with but to top it off she called me a liar. WOW! I was stunned and shocked. Anyone that knows me knows that being called a liar sends me from 0 to 100 quickly because misunderstanding something and purposely making up a story is two different things. Needless to say this email didn’t go very well. It resulted in her calling me on my phone calling me a liar again and hanging up in my face…which is my second 0-100. I was fuming hot at her because not only has she known me for years, she knows those two things are a no for me. I talked to BF about what happened and she chose the neutral route.  I have to say that bugged me because she kept saying there was some more to it and we need to just sit down and talk, but SF that was all to it. Eventually, BF made a statement saying she can see where we both are right and wrong. I asked her how was I wrong. Her reply was that she didn’t say that I was wrong. Since the conversation was in text I sent her the text that showed she said it. We haven’t talked since that day. I wrote this soap opera out for you all for a reason.  I was so hurt about the loss of these friendships because I truly didn’t understand how something so small as a misunderstanding turned into an all out blowout ending with me losing two of, what I thought, dearest friends. There was so much drama with the whole situation from being blocked off FB pages to people not wanting to work with me in church! I couldn’t believe how it all went. I was so angry every time someone brought it up my head hurt and all those feelings of betrayal came back. It was not until some months passed and I started to ask God to show me some things that I may have missed about it. His answer was simple…It was time to clear some things out so you could hear ME a little clearer and stop relying so much on others for answers. I had got really used to getting their advice and thoughts on things to where I was praying but I relied on them quite a bit emotionally. With SF we kind of fed off of each other when it came to various situations which wasn’t always a positive thing.  God works in strange ways when it comes to growth. This was truly a trial but it was also a step to growth. It forced me to rely more on God for any issues I was having an then taught me a huge lesson in forgiveness. When we pray we secretly have it planned how we think it should look, but God's way usually is on a whole other level than what we could ever plan. He has a way of moving people that may be a hindrance to where He needs us to be.  When I say that I am not saying they are bad people I am saying I was being hindered by the friendships. I hope that makes sense. Not only that I got a good dose of "so you CALL yourself a Christian" literally and at the same time I kept hearing God say yeah...now show that you are. I was forced to be nice when I wanted to be mean. I was lied on repeatedly and being called a liar and there was nothing I could do about it.  I learned what it was like to have someone to accuse you of having ill intent when that was the furthest thing from your mind. I learned that when no one else was there to talk to God gave me peace of mind,and a hiding place when needed. I also am learning a tough lesson in forgiveness. It’s weird to me I have forgiven the man that molested me for 3 years and told people I was a whore, the man that raped me, and my ex husband but forgiving these friends has been harder for me for some reason. I think it was more of a sense of real betrayal that stalled this forgiving process out. This is when God started to show me that I need to get over myself and move forward. How can I ask Him for forgiveness and not be able to forgive. I was forced out of what I was used to, to where I needed to be. I thank God for growing me in this area. I have learned that no one can substitute God’s friendship. Sometimes we have to just walk away. There is nothing wrong with having friends but God is the ultimate counselor and all He does is for our good.  I have learned that God’s process is not always the one I thought it would be.  He will allow us to go thru trials to make us stronger.  I appreciate this experience because it was a true test to show me who I am and even where I needed growth. I thank Him for the new people He has placed in my life and the ones that I neglected before that have been there. Remember that nothing happens without a reason..and every trial we make it thru brings about growth.  I thank God for the trials and the growth! 

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Save the Whining for the Babies!

I have come to love this phrase that I so hated because my ex-husband would use it every time I would get upset with him because I wanted my way. I hated being compared to a baby when I truly felt my opinions and feelings were valid. I truly believed that if he would just do what I said in all situations things would go perfectly. I have to admit I carried that thinking pattern even once I was divorced and dating again. I had the perfect plans and my way and views were the best ones, and convincing them was the only obstacle. My mother told me a couple of years ago that was ridiculous for me to think that way and be serious about it. I thought she was crazy because I truly believed and honestly in some cases now still believe if he would just do what I say things would go just fine. I had a tendency to badger until I got my way and if I didn’t get my way I wouldn't stop pressing the issue until I got my way. I do a lot of listening to my friends talk and I have recently noticed WE do a lot of complaining and whining about things in our life that we don’t think are the way they should be. I didn’t notice this until the last few months and almost immediately when I noticed I began to get really annoyed with the complaining. I got to a point where I dreaded talking to some people because 90% of the conversation was complaints and thoughts of how it should be. I realized that before God showed me, ME I was doing the exact same thing they were. I started to make a concious effort to not whine as much.  After I had that revelation God started to show me what the result of this whining was. When we complain and whine we need to realize a few things. One thing is this when we complain it is like we are not appreciating all those things that are going well for us. We could have just gotten an awesome blessing and like the Israelites start to complain all over again and sometimes even about what He just blessed us with. Can you imagine giving someone something and then they complain about what you didn’t do? I think of that a wonder what God must think of that. The next thing is words are so powerful and what we release from our mouths is so important! Lots of times when we are complaining negativity is spewing out of our mouths about our situation. I know I have said such things as “It’s never going to happen”, “Maybe God forgot about me”, “I’m tired of this just forget it”. Just typing that makes my spirit drop. Those very words we say can hold us back, especially when God has already told us the promise for us to doubt it is a henderance. I can’t count how many times I have talked negatively over a situation not realizing I was doubting God’s power over my situations. WOW!!!! When I realized that it was a definite AH HA moment! Of course I know in The Word it tells us about the tongue being hard to tame and how it speaks life and death! Now here I was speaking death over situations in my life because they weren’t looking the way I thought they should as fast as I thought, which leads to my last point. We can’t tell God how to and when to move! Remember how I said that I would badger, and honestly still working on not doing that, the men I date until I got my way. I just realized that I was using that same method with God because although I didn’t say it I felt my way was the best way to handle it and the timing I wanted was the best for me. I can't count how many times I have "helped" God out in my process.I know you are reading this thinking “UHUH NO SHE DIDN’T”  I know..but yes I did. I have heard several sermons in the last month where they were saying openly that WE meaning me and you don’t have sense enough to know what is best for us and when its best for us but God knows all and sees all. I had to lift my hands and say praise God for His delay and His way because I know for a fact if He moved when I wanted Him to I would have mess right now. Think of  it this way…can you imagine a new born baby fresh out of the womb jumping on the floor and walking. Why not? If I’m guessing right your answer is that the baby wouldn’t be ready to walk yet and has to grow and get stronger before they can stand on those little fragile legs. EXACTLY! So we have to grow and get stronger before we can take the next step or move to the next phase. An God isn’t moving us until we are ready and any action we take without HIM will delay the process. Being content doesn’t mean you are complacent it means you have faith and want to be sure that the next step is one you are ready for. During this time work on you, seek God and ask Him to show you, YOU. He will do it! God doesn't delay to torture us! TRUST HIM!   An most of all  SAVE THE WHINING FOR THE BABIES!