Waging War

 I wrote in a previous blog that I made a promise to God to be celibate for six months unforced. I say unforced because I have went six months before but once it was because I was married and my husband was in prison, and any other time was because me and whoever I was with were on the outs. The times I have tried to do this without either of those being the case,  I hadn’t made it completely through, but this time my determination is totally different. When I first started I won’t deny it was torture, and the time before this time I was consumed with thoughts of having sex. It seemed everywhere I looked sex. I would wake up with texts on my phone about sex, I would get random pictures and when I would lay in my bed at night the desire was so strong I had to start forcing myself to go to bed early just to keep from calling him. It was so magnified that I swore I was being tortured. I went online and my feed was filled with sex, my inbox always had a tempting offer, and I felt this overwhelming loneliness that seemed to increase my desire. It was just crazy to me what was going on.  This is what drove me to research being tested and temptations. I found that God does not tempt us to do the wrong things. We have test to take us to the next level and grow. However, the devil’s job is to always attempt to make us fall away from the right things causing us to be at a spiritual depletion. All he needs is that one little foot in to start a downhill spiral of mess in your life. Usually, I will give in an its like I go through this phase of ridiculous over indulging!  I would often think I was off the wagon may as well go all the way! It seems ridiculous but I know I am not the only one that has ever thought that. I decided I could not do that this time…something had to be different so I could get a different result or it turns into pure insanity on my behalf.  I saw that I indeed was being tempted so that I could break my promise yet again, which after it was all said and done would lead me to the same frustration, guilt, and   shame…AND having to start ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!  So.. I not only acknowledged that I was being tempted but also dealing with a stronghold! I like to define a stronghold like my Pastor/Daddy as our “favorite” sin. That thing that you know you need to cut out but you like it so you don’t want to. J I am not afraid to admit that I absolute would rather not go without it for any amount of time. When I realized the devil's plan it’s like a new energy took over! I acknowledged the struggle, saw where it came from and was ready for battle just to find that the battle was in me knowing so I can be prepared and take the precautions needed.  If I know that certain people, and places will take me off of what I have promised God then I got rid of them. I started to disconnect from the groups that seemed to only talk about sex, erased any pictures or videos in my phone, if a text came thru and I knew that person was known for just wanting sex I wouldn’t even open it before I erased it. This is something I had never done before when I tried to do this. Now let me say this before you all get all big eyed judgmental..NO I wasn’t taking everyone up on their offers prior to this time of fasting at all. I generally have one person in my life and a backup plan. I know that sounds horrible but it’s true.  However, when I made that six month pledge it seemed to get hard to even tell the ones I told all the time no, no. BUT when I identified the devil and what was going on its like all the noise in my head stopped.  My body wasn’t so amped up all the time! My thoughts weren’t always on that but more so on my promise to God. I was amazed at how most of the uncontrollable thoughts and urges stopped. I said most because I am still human and blood runs through my veins of course!The great part is I pray and ask God to refocus my thoughts and just like that He does. He is my hiding place mentally as well!  Amazing!  I still have offers of course, who doesn’t? I even had someone tell me the other day that I have said this before and broke it so why not break it with him now? WOW! Thanks for reminding me how determined I am to at least keep this promise this time!!!  I am usually a basket case by now but not even that is going on. I admit I have very little cushion for nonsense but that is my character anyway. I told this very personal  story to say this….We have to be more aware of the war we fight daily against the prince of darkness. The battle we fight is not a joke! It’s not always as simple as we dismiss it to be, but when you know and identify what is going on you are already taking steps to defeat the devil. God never intends for us to be in the dark however we have to WANT to see the light. We are waging a war everyday against satan…but no battle can be won without the proper tools and awareness. Ask God to show you YOU….and be ready and willing to start chiseling away that old you, and walking into the new better you. What better way to break endless cycles than to pick a new path planned out by God.

In Your Own Skin

I have had boyfriends that have certain things that they express as unattractive on a woman…I had one that said he didn’t want a woman with stretch marks…which mind boggled me given I have had stretch marks on my hips since I hit puberty. Then there was the one that preferred really dark skinned women…which I am not. I had a man to express that I need to get a perm because my hair was nappy….Oh lets not forget the one that absolutely didn’t want a big woman an said he was used to women that are size 9’s which again I am NOT nor do I desire to be. My ex husband was  rare because he  didn’t care how big or little I was, he thought I was beautiful when I woke up in the morning so he was either crazy or in love... He had known me since I was 15 so he had seen me at my smallest and biggest and they all looked good to him. I remember how bad I would feel when I would hear the others rattling off these expectations that obviously were the opposite of me. I never felt quite good enough after those conversations. It was like someone had let the air out of a balloon because I felt so flat after that. I would spend the remaining of those relationships wondering if I could live up to what they wanted because I wasn’t it per se. I would make myself nuts trying to make up for short comings I felt I had in their eyes. Somehow along the way between little girl and womanhood I lost some of that being comfortable in my own skin just the way I am…The great thing is I got it back and not only did I get that LOVING feeling back I got my sanity and self worth back as well.  I think back on that and think about how crazy that was because if I was so much not their type then why were they with me in the first place?  Now before I start this let me say this…I am in NO WAY saying to not care about your appearance, or not to exercise and take care of your health, yes put on deodorant and all of that. J  (That’s my disclaimer) What I AM saying is be happy with who you are and confident with it. Everyone is not meant to be a size 6…an we all are made just the way we are which is beautiful.  I can’t count how many times I have heard my friends say and  I even said myself that I must not be good enough because he won’t do this or that….or maybe if I did this or that I would be more acceptable to him. I even tried doing this and that and it didn’t make a bit of difference with how they behaved. I later realized that way of thinking is the very thing that holds us back from expecting and demanding more. I also realized that a lot of times to put someone else down to build yourself up is insecurity within itself.  Our own thoughts of less than worthiness hold us hostage to a point where we allow ourselves to stay in situations we should leave, or put up with being treated a certain way. I have seen people spend years with someone they thought they weren’t good enough for when it was very clear the other party was the one that was the bum.  One of the most insane things to do is to not love yourself to the fullest. You have to live with who and what you are before you can truly expect anyone else to. That is a fact. I purposely started to tell myself daily how gorgeous I am. Not only am I gorgeous but I am specifically designed by God to be just the way I am which is beautiful. Think of it this way if God in all of His perfection loves me just the way I am then how can anyone, including me, dispute that? We all have areas in our life we should work on because we are human, but those things that we can do nothing about we have to learn to embrace and love just as they are.  Confidence is one of the most beautiful things you can wear daily, right along with self worth and esteem.  It’s not always easy changing a way of thinking, but in order to get there you have to start somewhere. When someone compliments you, don’t be afraid to own that compliment instead of saying something negative. If you date someone who makes you feel you aren’t good enough…dump them and move on!  Don’t wait for anyone else to tell you how great and beautiful you are…tell yourself that daily when you look in the mirror. Being confident in who your own skin is something you have to decide for yourself, but I guarantee you once you do it will change your outlook on so many things that you wont believe that you were ever depriving yourself of loving the skin you are in.

BE A LADY

I was one of many women that flocked to Steve Harvey’s book “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man”. I am not much of a reader but I read that book in less than 24 hours. It had lots of information that made sense not because it was so profound or new but because for some reason along the way we forget those very clear reasonable standards we should have for ourselves and those obvious signs that we need to bolt and run. I still recommend that book to so many of my friends in the mist of me giving relationship advice. Here lately I have been really taking a look at what BEING a lady looks like and feels like. I am always curious as well how men react to “ladies”.  I am NEVER afraid to admit that I have not always been very “lady like” and it wasn’t that long ago trust me. This last year or two I have really been paying attention to my patterns and decisions I make in regards to men whether it be the man I love or just someone I am considering dating.  I am definitely a STRONGER woman than I was in the past. I didn’t do very well with the waiting part. I was brought up like most girls to believe that once a boy gets “it” they leave….but when I found that to not necessarily to be true…I didn’t think there was any real significance in waiting. I have had some long relationships…even got married and I didn’t enforce a “wait” rule with any of them. However, hindsight is 20/20 because jumping in to the physical quickly makes my judgment cloudy, and truly has my emotions all over the place. I can also say that I have “thought” I was in love quite a bit just to figure out I have only truly been in love three times total.  I am also not afraid to admit this is partially why I have been in the situation I am currently in for eight years. Not to say he isn’t nuts as well…but... If I would have started with the wisdom I have now I don’t think we would be where we are right now….which is nowhere! We are both confused and frustrated.  Ok so what do I do about this….I step back, stop and start where I have fallen…I look at my relationships. I have told people, many times, that as a person that was raped twice and molested for years I felt that was all I had to offer to a man at some point…it was just since my divorce eight years ago that I realized and started to see myself having way more to offer than that. I am kind hearted, loyal, smart, not to mention a strong Christian woman. Of course I still believe I am sexy and beautiful but I am so much more..I am that stuff that doesn’t fade with time but only gets better!!! SUBSTANCE! The hard part is breaking my old patterns and way of doing things also acting and knowing I have more to offer than my goodies.  So I have made a promise to myself and God that I would start with no sex for six months. Before everyone jumps all over that yes I do realize premarital sex is a sin but cut me some slack here…baby steps.  J When I tell my friends this they think I am nuts because it’s no small task for someone that is used to doing what they want when they want and to be honest with who I want. However, I have absolutely tried the other way of doing things and if nothing else I need to hit the reset button mentally. What does that mean? That means that I need to do more of the opposite of what I have been doing. I have to admit to myself I have no clue what is best for me and need to pay attention to God’s voice in regards to relationships. I have found that moving too fast is an awful disadvantage in relationships. One of my favorite verses in the Bible is in Songs of Solomon where it states, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.”  That little tiny verse to me translates to BE A LADY!!!  Don’t get your emotions tied up in someone before its time and we all know that physical connections bring about deceit through your emotions.  Yes old patterns are hard to break, and the flesh is weak! But I have never felt so much like a lady than I do RIGHT NOW.  I am starting to hear clearer. Yes I still love who I love but it’s beyond the physical part of it all and I am willing to accept however God works that out as well. Don’t cheat yourself by cheapening yourself…stand your ground and don’t break your own rules. Don’t just act like a lady….Be one.