WHOA! I Kept Going

It's no secret that I have had a very busy year. I don't do a lot of sharing of my personal life other than the pictures of my family, my husband and an occasional shout out to a love one or a flirty note to my honey. But it has been really busy especially the last 90 days or so. The obvious is I got married. Andre and I have a combination of 4 kids total 25, 20, 15 and 8.Three boys and one 15 year old girl. That dynamic alone is interesting to say the least. Andre has had to get used to how teenage girls behave and getting along with my kids dad. I have had to get used to a little person in the house and,although we have never met, being civilized with his youngest child's mom.We are getting used to sharing space with each other and disagreeing in a way that is productive for us when it is all calm again. That has basically been my life until about a month ago. Things escalated a bit in our household to where we had to be more aggressive about some things and we had to spend unnecessary money which anyone that knows me knows I hate spending money but I did some fussing and kept going as usual. Then my parents called me about one of my little cousins that had been very sick battling diabetes and it was not looking like she was going to make it. I kept going. On top of all of that this was the year for the Semi Annual Womens All Night Prayer Retreat and I had not put everything all together for it or even felt confident in the material. I kept going. So on Thanksgiving weekend we were told that my cousin was non responsive and they made the decision to remove her very young 33 year old self from life support and let her go in a peaceful way. The day of myself and as many family and friends that could handle it stayed in the room with her until she went. I have NEVER done that before but I just didn't feel right leaving the room. I kept going. The following week on Friday I lead the All Night Prayer Retreat from 10p-4a went home took a nap and went to my cousins funeral at 11 that I also had to sing at. I kept going. The next week Andre and I got some resolve and actually a win in our situation but I ended up blowing up about the way things were handled or agreed to. I kept going. For about a week I started to feel a bit out of it,my heart was racing and my blood pressure was higher than normal.I hadn't been sleeping near enough because there was so much going on, on top of my husband working nights I was restless. Finally, on a Thursday I called my Dad after Andre left for work and told him how I was feeling. After we went back and forth about my symptoms he told me to go to the ER. Long story short I got to the ER and my bp was 180/101. WHOA!!! That night I stayed at the hospital for some hours with my mom, daughter and friend until my bp went down. This is when it hit me how much I had dealt with and suppressed over the last couple of weeks and how much better I needed to do in taking a break,and dealing with whatever was happening. Then I needed to rest from dealing with it. Anyone that knows me would describe me as a strong person. I wouldn't disagree with that too much,but I would disagree with the fact that people don't believe strong people need a break or time to regroup. Not only do others not realize it, neither do the strong people aka me. But seeing my blood pressure that high and thinking I would have to take medicine, or even worse have a stroke, really reminded me of the fact that I do need breaks and have to force in relaxation, and exercise more. Great thing is no meds, and Andre and I exercising together on top of me cutting my salt intake down has lowered my blood pressure to a normal number. God reminded me that I am not invincible and my peace mentally and spiritually directly effects me physically. I can't just keep going and stuff things away. And I definitely can not go without God's guidance and peace. I am not sure who needs to read this to know even the strongest people struggle with emotions and frustrations. I say to you an myself TAKE TIME FOR YOU to rest, heal, and pray. That is the only way to KEEP GOING.

Fearless Power

My family went on our summer vacation a few weeks back to Biloxi. This was the first trip with my fiance' and my niece so it was very exciting. I came back joking about how I almost drowned in the Ocean after getting thrown off of a jet ski. Recently, I have been mulling over the verse "God has not given us the spirit of fear, but He has given us power!"I tied that verse this week in to my experience out there in the water. Anyone that knows me knows that I am scared of large bodies of water and heights but in the last two years my family has managed to get me to fly in an airplane and most recently adventure out on a jet ski in water that I could not touch the bottom with my feet. Now initially I was not going to go. My fiance had even expressed his concern with me going. But I was in a "live a little" mood so I said ok I will give it a try. I talked myself through it because my son is a deep water certified life guard and I can swim. I knew he would take it easy with me because he knew I was scared and if I was going to trust anyone it was going to be him to rescue me. So I watch my sister and daughter ride a bit, and initially my son and nephew on the water. They were all doing ok. So now it was my turn. I get on and Caleb(my son) tells me to lock my hands around his waist. We are flowing through pretty easy. I am nervous but calm. We made our first lap and it was all ok. We made round two casually chatting and when we went to turn we got thrown off of the jet ski. I went under water and felt nothing. I had enough sense to swim up but once I got my head above water I was terrified of all of the things that could go wrong. My son was reaching for me telling me to trust him and grab his hand. I wouldn't do that because I was terrified he couldn't pull me and all I kept thinking was he is just a kid. Then he started to try to coach me and remind me that I can swim and I started crying because I didn't trust my swimming either. I tried to pull up onto the jet ski and it kept dipping into the water so I was afraid it would flip over. At this point Caleb is really frustrated that I didn't trust him enough to at least reach out to him. I froze holding on to the back of the jet ski screaming DON'T LET ME DIE!!! Finally, one of the workers in the ski place came and asked did we need help, and I said yes. Caleb began to tell him that he can help me I am just panicking. Eventually, they got me back on and I made a b-line for the shore! Today I was reflecting on that day and how I let fear take my power away. I could swim...I had a trained life guard there...and I had on a life jacket, but I was so afraid I didn't use any of the tools I had. WOW!!! Isn't that how the devil tricks us with fear??? We have the power of the Holy Spirit and a direct line to God through Jesus and we will let our own fears make us NOT utilize our power! Caleb is a good example of Jesus reaching out to us saying take my hand I have the skills and tools you need but instead of taking His hand we stay in that deep water stagnant and frozen in our situation. The part I left out was when they guy came to help he could stand in the water. So even though it was deeper than my height I have swam in water way deeper before with no problem but by this time I was frantic with what? FEAR! How many times has God brought us through something and then the very next thing that happens we panic and forget that if He could deliver us out of far worse situations then He definitely can handle the simplest of them. What the devil does though is whisper that fear in and convinces you that all things are hopeless and you are powerless. He is an eloquent liar and unfortunately we often fall for it. After it was all said and done my son just shook his head at me and I had to even laugh at myself because I had behaved badly but I learned a great lesson of why that verse is so important and more than just a cliche we use. The power that God gives us exceeds any issue or problem we may have if we use it. Don't forget about your power and most definitely don't forget to use them even when you may be afraid.

A Fancy or a Feeling?

Anyone who knows me knows that one of my favorite movies to watch over and over is Sense and Sensibility. I even referenced it before in one of my blogs. The movie is a story of 4 women who lost the head of the family and during these times he could only leave his inheritance to his son. At the beginning of the movie he begs the son to take care of his sisters and their mother(which wasn't his mom) while he is on his death bed. Long story short the son didn't do what he promised and they were left on their own. The movie describes their struggles of living without near as much income, and finding love. The younger sister was a lot more passionate in regards to expressing her feelings compared to her older more reserved sister. She was questioning her sisters feelings for the man she desired and in her rant she asked her "Is love a fancy or a feeling!?" I love that sentence in the movie. I took it as can you take or leave him whenever, or do you truly desire this person to be in your life beyond on a whim. The last time I wrote I was in a weird place in my love life. I had been dating someone from my past and was really unsure where it was going to lead. Thinking back on it I was super guarded because I was honestly worn out from the whole dating scene. I had been dating someone that would do anything for me EXCEPT commit for 13 years! I tried dating other people but failed miserably at it. In 2017, I decided I was perfectly happy with myself! I loved sleeping smack dead in the middle of my king size bed. I didn't have to give account to anyone when I wanted to hang out or go somewhere. I was a happy bachelorette. It took me up until that point to get there, but I was happy with who I was and decided I was not willing to settle just to have a body laying next to me. Right when I make up my mind to be happy here comes this man from my past wanting to date me and really be with me. I didn't believe him so I really was dismissive and not the easiest to deal with. I thought he was one of those guys that see you are a good woman and even though they aren't ready they know they SHOULD be with you. We were nine months in before I truly started to take him seriously. NINE MONTHS! I guess he figured he needed a lot of help with me because in the mist of that he re-dedicated his life to Christ, got baptized again and STILL found time to complete my list of things he needed to do to be with me. Then one day it was like God himself whispered my prayer in my ear and showed me this man was my prayer answered. At first I thought maybe I was regretting that prayer and needed a re-do. The more I pondered it, the more God reminded me of that prayer. I realized that I was rejecting the possibility because I had got conditioned to what I had been dealing with for years.I wasn't used to someone openly showing me affection.The lack of those things was the very reason I prayed for those specific things in my prayer for my mate.I missed them. Things like random I love yous, kisses, compliments, wanting to spend time with me and talk to me, and TRANSPARENCY!!! I will admit God had to really work with me. He remained persistent and finally one day said, "Sharhonda I am not going to stop pursuing you until you tell me that there is no chance you want me." I was and have to admit still a bit afraid to trust someone else and I was REALLY happy in my singleness finally in a way I never thought was possible. I also realize relationships are a lot of work. IT is so much more than a "fancy"! So much communication, and compromise goes into it. It's deeper than lust could ever be. I kept telling him "I JUST DON'T WANT TO DO ANY WORK!" I was totally in a selfish mode and being with someone is a selfless act. I had to make up my mind although I was happy with me did I want to grow old alone? Did I want to reject a possibility because of my past experiences? Plus, this is a good guy do I REALLY want to reject that? And lastly... Did I love him enough to make a real go of being in a relationship? I realized I really love this man. I am not sure how that happened in the mist of me fighting tooth and nail along the way.(again poor man!) I mean I gave him the blues! I don't know if it was his tender way of dealing with me, his respect for me no matter what, his persistence or how safe and covered I felt with him but I truly loved him. I think it was his renewed spirit that drew me in, because no way would have the patience he has with me without that. We started dating again in April and began officially dating December 2017 and were engaged by March 2018 AND getting married in September 2018. I am about to be a MRS!!! I am shocked myself and to link up with my first love I ever had again in my 40's is totally a surprise. There God goes again answering my prayers in a totally unexpected way.God is something else! So what I have learned is when I pray and get the answer to that prayer accept it! God said yes and my crazy self said no for 9 months! That is long enough to bring forth life yawl! God brought forth a new life for me without me even realizing that was what was going on! I guess that is why I am admittedly an IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN.