My SELF Esteem is Mine

In our world today we are flooded with so many different images that are labeled as beautiful. It is starting to change little by little but most pictures of beauty we see are of people with what the world labels as a perfect body...or perfect skin...perfect hair. When I was a little girl I was perfectly fine with my skin tone but I always wished for naturally straight hair that curled up when I wet it. 😊Needless to say I had to grow to love my own thick hair that no way curled neatly when I wet it. Then I went through a phase where I wanted a humongous butt with a little wasted...I learned to appreciate my mid size derrière and Im semi working on my waste.😆 As I have grown though I have gotten to a place where I loooove everything about this beautiful design God made called ME! I remember reading once how insulting it has to be to God for me to be complaining about how He made me. The next thing I realized was that not being happy completely with myself caused me to not make the best choices for myself and tolerating things I never would have if I had more SELF esteem. It wasn't an obvious lack of self esteem though...I never thought I was ugly or any but maybe not as cute as I should be. I had to learn how accept compliments without denying it by just saying thank you. I would worry about being judged by who I was dating about my weight...skin...hair...which was ridiculous. I wrote before about how when I got married my ex husband had to literally turn every light on and hide the covers before I'd let him see me nude. That poor man had to do more assuring me of my beauty that first couple of years to the point he banned anyone else to comment on it..lol I guess it was hard enough. Before my grandmother passed she had started calling me Pretty Girl...and every time I would look behind me as if someone else had to be there.  Somewhere in the mist I had to take ownership of healing my SELF esteem that I had realized was seriously broken.How did I do this? I spent a year looking on the mirror telling myself how beautiful I was and that I was beautiful and wonderfully made. I had a whole thing I would say to myself until I  believed it. Next if someone compliments me...I say....THANK YOU...I know it sounds simple..Last but most important I reminded myself constantly that God made me just like this...yes I can work out...do things to my hair...but God purposely made me this way. Taking ownership of my SELF esteem makes me only except what is best for me. If someone approaches me w things they wish I'd change I don't entertain it...No I'm not perming my hair...no I will not ever be a skinny minny...but YES you cant accept me as God designed me to be or keep walking. I wont try to prove how wonderful I am to you because I don't fit your ideal woman. Being me and comfortable with who I am is one of the best things I have grown to do.

Forgiving

It's been a while since I've had the time to write anything, and I admit I often stop because it seems no one is paying attention until someone out of the blue will ask why I haven't written anything, or will come to me and say how they love that I'm open to share such hard things. Writing has been my therapy since I was a little girl and it just comes natural for me. Today I want to talk about the importance of forgiveness. If you have read some of my past posts you know that as a child from 12-15 I was molested, at 16 I was raped, and at 28 I was raped and held hostage. These acts were all committed by someone I knew and trusted. And unfortunately have had to see repeatedly over time. One of the things people tend to ask me is how I can manage to not be angry all the time. Honestly I can only say it's God's doing because He knew if I harbored that kind of anger and resentment that I couldn't be what He needed me to be as far as witnessing to others about forgiving. Here are some misconceptions about forgiving that I myself have found to be true. First, the phrase forgive and forget is misleading. Forgive and forget doesn't mean you forget what was done or what took place it means that it doesn't have such a clutch on your spirit and heart that you live and breath that discretion to the point it consumes you. When my ex husband raped and held me hostage it took the courts two years to decide the case was worthy of a trial. In all honesty I had forgiven him long before that..it didn't make me forget what happened but I didn't spend two years reliving that night. Can you imagine how far behind I would be spiritually if I hadn't went on from that night? It was absolutely not easy and I wouldn't want to do it ever again. So when you hear forgive and forget it doesn't mean erase it from memory because there is a lesson in every trial we have. Next know when you have forgiven by how you react. Ok I'll admit forgiving is hard to do especially when someone had hurt us or our love ones...so don't think I'm the Saint of forgiveness...its hard but if we say we forgive someone then we hear their name or see them we lose our minds then likely you haven't forgave them. When I would see the person who molested me or the one who raped me and they were living fancy free and on top of that wanted to speak to me as if they hadn't done any harm I would want to use them for target practice. Now the most I think is that it's a shame they are so sick minded they see no wrong in their perverse minds. Now don't get me wrong I am not friends with them...we dont chat...and I have no words for them but I wish no harm or foul to them. It happens that both are very ill at this point in life and I have no glee in my spirit about their suffering. That has to be God because me left to my own resources would be throwing a party. Last forgiving is more for you than the person you are forgiving. I have said this often...why are we walking around all upset at this person and they are going on about their lives. Who are we really hurting here? I refuse to allow someone who has caused me pain directly to continue to have that control over me when they aren't phased one bit by it. Not to mention I'm responsible for my end and will have to give account for not doing what I was supposed to. So let's see...I'm going to be wronged...be mad and make myself miserable while they go on with life...AND get in trouble with God because I refused to forgive? Wow when I Iook at it that way it just isn't fair to me not to forgive. I wrote this hoping it reaches someone. This is not something I have mastered and I struggle with forgiving people at times so don't think I'm the queen of this topic I always have work to do. I just felt it was something we all needed to hear.

Ephesians 4:31-32 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.(attitude: loving and forgiving just like God forgave