Naked

Some years back before I had my current job I remember sitting around having girl talk with my then co-workers, all women. Somehow we got on the topic of insecurities about our bodies and at the time I was very insecure about my body and I still struggle with that from time to time.  I'm sure it's from some things that happened early in life that I dragged with me into adulthood but that's another blog day...so we are talking and I'm telling them how when I got married I never wanted my husband to see me naked. I would hurry and turn the lights out and jump under the covers...until he got tired of it and flipped the lights on and hijacked the covers one day and reminded me he thinks I'm beautiful. Of course they were all shocked because to know me you'd never think I'd have such a hangup. Then one of the ladies said something that was crazy to me at the time but now makes perfect sense to me. She said she just walks in takes everything off and says HERE I AM EVERY BUMP, STRETCH MARK, CHUBBY SPOTS AND SCARS. IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT OH WELL YOU CAN GO. I thought she must be nuts but she had the right idea. Why do we spend so much time trying to hide who we are for people. Now let me elaborate. ..I'm not encouraging we all walk around nude by any means but I am encouraging us to be able to be free to be us and realize anyone who can't accept us for who we are is not meant for us an besides you can't hide forever right?  The great thing about God is we don't have to hide because He knows the NAKED truth about us AND He STILL loves us! We should never be afraid to be who God has designed us to be. If you have a problem with your weight...eat better and exercise...if your spirit is ugly get in your Word and tighten your relationship with God but don't turn off the lights an hide under the covers afraid of what man will think or how they will judge you...be bold in you design and only be concerned about what God sees and how He sees you when you are naked before Him.

Dark

Have you ever turned all the lights out in a room and when you first turn them off you cant see anything at all clearly? Have you noticed as you continue to sit there it seems to get lighter and you can see a little better and if you try hard enough eventually you will be able to see through the dimness. This is a great example of how the Devil tricks us into believing our darkness is actually not so bad. I can't tell you how many times in my life I have done things knowing they were wrong and at first I feel horrible thinking of how wrong it is but the more I do it the more comfortable I get in that wrong and then it doesn't seem so bad. The world is definitely designed that way and our flesh adjusts to our sins easily but if you notice even when you are in that dark room and your eyes adjust where you can see a tad bit better....you will still move slowly and run into things here and there until you finally turn the lights on. We are the same way in our sin. We move around about our lives ok, making it but all the while slowing down our blessings. We try to get comfy cozy in out dark ways but the Spirit keeps whispering to us that we are not living the way God intends to the point we are never fully comfortable until we correct that dark behavior.  Lets not get so comfortable walking in our darkness that we ignore that still small voice of righteousness and miss out on the great things God has for us in the light.

Bad Day

As I said before tons of stuff to write just trying to break it down in increments. It was Friday and I was still working in a different area. I had got paid the day before and was fretting over bills and money which isn't uncommon for me as a single momma. I woke up extra mad because when I woke up at 6 am the first thing I did was look up my bank account on my phone. Now let me say I didn't expect to see much in it BUT it was far less than I anticipated.  Come to find out one of those pay day loan people who I used previously AND paid off after 6 months of not drafting had drafted my account. So needless to say I woke up mad. I griped a bit and sent some request for prayer to my friends because me being that mad before 7 am was NOT good. In the mist of me driving to work and me griping to God one of my favorite songs came on and its titled HAPPY. Anyone that can listen to that song and not feel the least bit better has to be miserable. So I started to feel better and decided I'd go to the bank during my lunch and call the pay day loan people and give them the blues until they reverse what they did. I get to work feeling a little better, but I'm rushing because I'm running late. I get to the last step before the door and fall and hurt my leg...I manage to pull myself up and limp in just a minute before I'd have a tardy. I sat down and griped some more to God about hows it's not 8 am good and now I'm injured as well as broke! I started to work and got a email about someone that I used to know getting a promotion.  Now typically I'm very good about being happy for others even those I don't necessarily like but THIS day I had to fake it until I made it because I still hadn't heard anything after over a week about my interview and I was pretty sure I didn't get it. So again I started whining to God, REALLY LORD?! I DON'T DESERVE A PROMOTION! I started to list all the reasons why this was an injustice. I ended  my griping with BUT OK LORD GUESS ITS STIIIIIIIILL NOT MY TURN. I also started to gripe because it seemed like the place I teach classes at was trying to stiff me out of my money.  I hadn't heard from them and it was days pass the usual pay out date. That added to my anger. I griped about that too and decided I was going to tell them how wrong they are as well....later.  I couldn't wait to go to lunch so I could give that bank and pay loan people the blues! I called the pay day loan people and in short they said their system was down for 6 months and that the info they sent about payment being final was incorrect and they would continue to draft me. I lost it and started cussing and yelling in the phone (yes remember IMPERFECT) and then I hung up as I stomped with a limp  like Ms Sophia from The Color Purple for my battle with the bank. There was a line so I pulled up my bank account while I waited so I could be ready to engage in a verbal war with them. When it came up I saw that the bank had already reversed the charges off. I felt an instant calm and said Thank you Lord. I talked to the bank and they explained the reversal and blocked that company from being able to go and come as they pleased on my account. Thank you again Lord. I was much happier especially since now that it was fixed I could get me something for lunch. While I was grabbing me some lunch I got a text that I could get my check for the class I teach. Whoa good thing i didn't say what I planned to say earlier....that would have been horrible. Again God was showing me how HE is in charge.  Thank YOU LORD...and so sorry about all the griping earlier...  (Smiley) I was breathing easier about my finances that went from a - to a + literally within hours!!! The end of the day came and I shook my head at the thought of waiting thru the weekend to find out I didn't get the promotion but I didn't whine this time because so much had turned around for me I had to be thankful for it. I left work and went to get my check and while I waited I got a call from my job which was odd at almost 6 on a Friday.  Needless to say when I answered it was the call offering me the job. I absolutely had to laugh at myself because I spent the first half of my day just so mad and frustrated. Then God took each gripe and irritation and said LOOK! I GOT YOU! HE turned it all around in ways only He could In spite of myself!  I told every one He probably shook His head at my whining and limping around all day. I admit I flunked the portion on this test of not whining...but never did I think God had left me or wasn't in control. This is a prime example of how God has a plan for us and its better than the plan we have for ourselves but we have to trust that He is in control when we and our situation seems out of control. An He surely has a sense of humor!  Amen. (Dropping mic and limping away)

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Promotion

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Promotion: In the last few months I have had so many changes to occur in my life to talk about them all would take all day so I will try to stay focuse...

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Promotion

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Promotion: In the last few months I have had so many changes to occur in my life to talk about them all would take all day so I will try to stay focuse...

Promotion

In the last few months I have had so many changes to occur in my life to talk about them all would take all day so I will try to stay focused. :) I can say God never ceases to amaze me with how he deals with me in certain areas of my life. Anyone that knows me knows I have a tendency to grow bored in jobs that seem too routine day after day same thing...no curves or hills...just straight road with grass on each side. I had been feeling that way for a while with my job so I started to apply for different positions a couple of years ago. I can't even tell you how many interviews and rejection emails I received.  I got discouraged and took a break then again...someone else got the position.  I would ask for feedback and the ones who responded always said I interviewed fine but the other person just had more experience.  I reminded myself that what is for me is for me and God has a plan. I took another break from applying just to regroup. One afternoon I got out of my car and literally murmured, "God I AT LEAST need a break...something new, even if it's not a promotion" That same night around 10pm I got a text from my supervisor about an opportunity to go help another division.  I replied instantly before I knew what it was or anything. This was on a Thursday night and I was somewhere else by the following Monday. The area I was in was so much less intense than what I was used to. It was just what I needed. I was getting a much needed break from what I was used to doing. I stayed in that department for about a month and a half when an opening came for another position that would be a lead for the team I had been working on the last 4 years. Long story short I ended up getting that promotion. There are so many lessons I learned from this two year experience. I learned to rejoice in other's blessings. I was never mad at any person who may have got their blessing before me...just knew it just wasnt my time yet. I learned to trust God's decision even when I thought I knew what was best at the time. An most of all I learned to wait..."They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength.  They shall mount up w wings as eagles." I ABSOLUTELY love how God positions us just right for what we need.

FOCUS CHALLENGED!

Lately I have really been having a hard time focusing…hence the reason why I haven’t been writing as regularly. I have so much going on in my life right now. I am starting to get geared up to move in June. I entered the year with a totally different attitude regarding my love life where I was just in total disarray. I am reading the book I want to use for the All Night Women’s Prayer Retreat. I let go of those jobs I had in the church that God had not called me to do and focused more on what I should do. I am trying to keep my kids focused at the end of the school year which is a challenge. I am teaching Zumba classes twice a week…trying to lose weight….the list goes on and on.  I know I need to spend more time with God and meditating but when I do my brain wont settle down.  So what do I do when I cant seem to focus at all…..I sing. That is the one time I am focused on nothing but God and the message I have for Him. I don’t know about you but it is so important to me that He knows that in the hustle and bustle of all that I do I haven’t forgotten Him. Nothing else crosses my mind, or interrupts my thoughts, its just me and God on one accord. This week I have been singing….OH IT IS JESUS, YES IT IS JESUS! ITS JESUS..IN MY SOUL…FOR I HAVE TOUCHED THE HEM OF HIS GARMENT,AND HIS BLOOD HAS MADE ME WHOLE.  I know in those moments that I cant do anything to focus other than singing God knows I am trying to show Him my heart. Thank You God for placing a song in my heart and letting me have that way to be one on one with You when there is no other way to settle my brain down. AMEN. 

Divine Appointment

Anyone that knows me knows that I truly believe in divine appointments. I also realize that most times they happen at times that we are in a rush or when its not the most convenient.  I decided that I would go to the store right quick to get some veggie, and some snacks for the kids during my lunch. I only had an hour so I was in a hurry to get it done and get back. I am walking thru the store and make eye contact with this young lady and smiled and said hello to her. (I am really working on my facial expressions when I greet people)  After we spoke I kept shopping. She came to my isle and made a comment about needing a basket because she was lugging around bottled water. I replied stating how I do that myself sometimes and kind of laughed.  Then she made a comment about not being able to go home because she would miss him too much. I was a bit taken off guard because it seemed to just come out of nowhere. I instantly apologized for her loss and before I could complete my condolences she started to talk.  She told me about his illness, how he died, and how they were planning her birthday which is this week and she was burying him this week.  She explained how he had to know he was leaving because it was like he was rushing her to go to work that day and he passed soon after she left. She talked about how they never had children and how she has loved him since high school. He was very young and his mothers baby. She told me how strong she is trying to be for his mother. As you imagine I really could do very little aside from listen and empathize with her pain and after she was done talking and explaining her situation I asked her could I pray for her and his mother and she accepted. I knew in my heart I couldn’t do anything or say anything that could make her pain get better and all I had was prayer for her.  Here I am running somewhere right quick for my lunch break and end up doing some work for God instead. After I prayed I gave her the biggest hug I could and assured her that I would continue to pray for her strength and peace through this time and I thought about her all the way home.  It never ceases to amaze me how God does things in my life. He will find a way to make me pause for Him and each time initially I think I am being inconvenienced but I gain something from it. I am so grateful for the gift of gab that God has given me. Not only can I talk, people talk to me about ALL manner of things and trust me. This divine appointment today truly blessed me and reminded me to appreciate those I love that much more because someone is missing theirs. It also taught me that we should never dismiss the power of praying for others no matter where we are or who is around don’t put it off for later when they need it at that moment. She said that me praying for her and that hug made her feel so much better and even though I know it wasn’t me at all but God using me it made me feel great to give in that way. Thank you God for choosing me to be a messenger of hope and peace today feel free to use me anytime! Amen.

Living for the Love of Me

It’s amazing how much I have grown over the last year. Now let me first say I am absolutely far from where I should be but I have shed so many insecurities and self doubts. The thing that I absolutely do well is fake it until I make it so most times people wouldn't have a clue of the things that I stress about…unless you are one of the very few people I open up to and even with that very small bunch I limit what I tell them. Its just me and God that know exactly what is going on in this head and heart of mine. The beginning of last year 2013…I was unsure of so many things…financially stressed….friendships stressed…not really loving my body stressed…..maybe I'm not good enough stressed…what am I to do now stressed…am I a good enough mamma stressed…why are you ignoring my desires GOD stressed!!!!  I wasn't resting well because its like my brain NEVER turned off! I was STRESSED! The crazy thing about it is I didn't even really realize how much fretting I was doing. It had become so common for me to function the way I was. I realize now that I was in high gear mentally and just making myself nuts! It took for me to be a true state of peace of mind to realize that I just worrying way too much. Thank God  I am no longer stressed that way. Let me first say this….I do have things that I still have to work through..And all the things above are still factors in my life. So what happened? It’s a simple thing that we all hear all the time….I let God have control in all of it and those things I could fix I started to work on. I committed myself to not doing things the same way no matter how scared I may be to make changes. I was sick of getting the same results because I was too crazy to change how I was doing things.  It was like an amazing epiphany out of nowhere,but in all actuality it was plain old common sense.  Once this mindset kicked in I was resting better and worrying less. The next things  I realized was that I was not loving me nearly enough. I was selling myself short in a lot of areas and it absolutely made no sense at all. Why would I do that to myself???  So I started to focus on more positive things in my life. Instead of wishing for a body like someone else I love the one I have and do what I can to be healthier realizing I have never been a skinny girl nor will I be....an in all honesty I love my curves...I just need them to be healthy curves. Anyone with a problem with that isn't meant for me.  I don’t worry about my love life because in all honesty I was making myself nuts trying to work things out on my own….handed that headache right over to God. God knows my desires... Those broken friendships were necessary and even though it hurt initially I could see on the back end why it had to be. My phone is the quietest it has been in years. No one is calling from morning to night with their problems and issues. I was taking on their anguish...and adding them right into my stress pool. Thank God for releases that chain that I didn't even realize was weighing me down. This whole process last year has made me so much more at ease with seeing what God has in store for me and accepting the choices He has made for me without still yearning for the opposite of His decision. After all I don't know better than Him.  We all have things that we fret about but we have to be careful to not let those things take over our minds and consume us daily. That is no way to live. God has so much for us, all we have to do is believe and trust Him. Each day I do my best to first acknowledge God and then make a commitment to do my best to be positive in my thinking, and do my best with each moment I have. Thank God for a new found peace. 

God Pause

Anyone that knows me knows it is no secret that I can be a very impatient person. At one point I did a prayer for patience, which by the way I will NOT do again, and that is when I realized how impatient I was. I can honestly say that I have grown a lot in this area and I am far more patient than I used to be especially in regards to my personal life, and believe me there are lots of things I could be impatient about in that area.  I tell people that I use 90% of my patience on my kids and family so tread lightly. J The thing that is most interesting about God though is His sense of time is NOWHERE near ours, but He still manages to still ALWAYS be right on time. It’s tedious and amazing all at once. Through different times in my life I have noticed periods that seemed like absolutely nothing was moving forward. It drove me nuts! I would aimlessly pray and beg for God to have mercy which now I realize translated into “GOD CAN YOU HURRY UP I DON’T WANT TO WAIT ANYMORE FOR THE PLAN I HAVE FOR ME!” I, most times ,don’t stop to think initially how God has a plan that will exceed my own and in all honesty one that I would rather Him carry out.  God is so awesome in my life. He knows just when to press a pause on my life.  I find over and over that God pushing pause is not to stop things at all…but so that things can go forward the way He plans for my life. I love Him for that. So when it seems that God is not moving things along the way you think He should…chances are it’s not time or He has something better in store for you. God knows the desires of our hearts even when we have forgotten them, or dismissed them. Trust Him.

They that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up on wings as eagles. They shall walk and not be weary. They shall run and not faint. Teach me Lord…how to wait.  AMEN.

Re-Record

All of us have a certain amount of baggage that comes with us from past experiences and situations. We would be lying to ourselves if we believed that things that have happened haven’t shaped us in some kind of way. It could be anything from being in abusive relationships to trust issues or fears of rejections….there are so many things that happen to us and a lot of the times we don’t even realize the real effects until long after we are out of the situation. I myself have experienced where I have to remind myself that one situation has nothing to do with another and that everyone deserves a fresh start. Thoughts of doubt will creep in and tell us that we don’t deserve any better or its always going to be the same thing over and over. I have a friend that always says that we have to re-record another tape to play in our heads that is filled with positive thoughts and second chances to get it right. I have learned that having self destructive thoughts is not something that God intends for us to do. That He brings forth life to us…new beginnings…and a fresh way of doing things…so anything that is the opposite of that is not of God. Press re-record on that tape that is playing in your head so that you can walk into the blessings God has for you.

STAND

From the time I was 12-15 I was molested by my step dad. I had pretty much become numb to the entire situation. I had decided that I would just do my best to make it until I was 18 because in my brain I didn’t want to mess up my mom’s happiness. I’ll never forget going to school on Valentine’s Day 1991 I showed up at school in all black from head to toe. I didn’t even bother combing my hair. I just threw on a black head band and brushed my hair straight back. For some people that wouldn’t be too out of the ordinary but for someone who LOVES Valentine’s Day it was extremely out of my normal behavior. I was in a serious fog that day. I remember just having a blank look on my face while everyone else was happy about candy and balloons and candy grams. I wasn’t fazed a bit.  The night before was the last time my step dad would be able to violate me the way that he had for the last three years, and I didn’t even know it. One of my best friends from the time I was 10 saw me and instantly knew what was wrong…. He knew all about the things that were happening to me and even though he wanted me to tell someone what was going on I had sworn him to secrecy.  He would stay on the phone with me late many nights when I was scared that night would be another night my step dad would come to “visit” me in my sleep. On this particular day he got really frustrated with me not wanting to go tell anyone what happened. I guess he couldn’t deal with seeing me so upset.  We had this exchange back and forth that ended with him saying he would not continue to talk to me if I didn’t tell anyone because he couldn’t take seeing me that way anymore. Well… if you have paid attention to anything I have written before or know me you know that I am super stubborn. I was scared to tell anyone…I didn’t know what would happen…I was embarrassed and ashamed for so many reasons that til this day I haven’t told anyone…and I didn’t think anyone would listen and what would happen once my then step dad knew I told. I had so many fears running through my head…and I resented him for trying to push me into something so hard to do.
I told him that it was fine if he didn’t talk to me again. He looked a bit stunned at first but he regrouped and said ok and walked off. I couldn’t believe he just walked off! The first thing I thought was that he didn’t care about me or he wouldn’t pressure me to tell anyone….and he should just respect my choice because it’s me in the situation not him. The NERVE! What I didn’t realize was how much I relied on his friendship to keep me sane through all I was going through.  We had known each other since we were 10 and even though we were just 15 at the time 5 years is a long time for kids to be friends. The entire day when I saw him we just looked and didn’t speak at all. I remember my other classmates asking what was wrong with us because they knew it was weird for he and I not to talk and play with each other through the day. I acted like it didn’t bother me that we weren’t talking, but I felt horrible the entire day. One day felt like forever….I barely slept that night but I made up my mind I would give in. I went straight and told him the next day that I would tell but he had to be with me because I was scared. He gave me a hug that instantly made me feel like it was all going to be ok. We went to a teacher first and she reported it to the office and sent me to the counselor right away. He stayed with me the entire time…even when they tried to send him back to class he stayed until I said it was ok for him to leave…which was when my mom got there. To this day we are the best of friends and he has no clue that 15 year old boy refusing to agree to keep silent saved my life and I will love him forever for that. I’m so thankful God had him there strong for me when I couldn’t be strong for myself. I learned early that sometimes we have to be strong for each other, and sometimes that means saying no to someone and taking a stand that is not comfortable for us. We often think saying yes or going along shows our love for someone but that is not the case and it’s not always what is best for them. God says no to us all the time an in the end it’s for our good. This time was for my good.  Next time you know you should say no to someone for their own good whether it be someone that is an addict,  or even someone In the situation I was in where there is abuse..don’t think of it as not loving them or doing them wrong…you may be saving their life.