This is the beginning of the 1st chapter of my book...It was the 4th of July, 1987 and I was 12 years old. The summer was at its peak of heat and I was excited for my 7th grade year to begin. My mom and aunt had bought loads of food to eat, and enough fireworks for my little cousin's to torture me with all day. Unless it was a sparkle I wasn't having any part in the fireworks, but I was definitely there for the food. One of my friends mom had to work so he spent the day with us too. I had known him since I was in the 1st grade and we called ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend and ever so often we would give each other a peck on the lips to confirm it. This was the first holiday in a while that my mom actually seemed happy since her and my dad divorced. She had a new boyfriend and that seemed to really lift her spirits and outlook on things. He was a pretty cool guy I supposed because he would always talk to me about grown up things and didn't treat me like a little baby like my family did. He let me watch rated R Movies and never made me go to bed early or any of that like most adults. My aunt was always fun to be around with her colorful language and crazy sense of humor she brought life to any situation. We packed up all of the food and headed to the park to grill and have space for us kids to run wild as much as we wanted in between eating. I spent most of the day trying to shake my little cousin's so I could sneak a kiss which didn't work at all. Nonetheless we had  great time. Once it started getting dark we moved the food to our house where we played music, watched tv and the adults played cards until it was time for my friend to go home. It had to be about 10 when my moms boyfriend took him to his house. I was still up and my mom told me to go to bed. I went to my room where my cousin's were overlapping each other snoring in my bed and started talking on the phone to my friend. He called as soon as he got home as if we hadn't been together all day long. He told me that he and my mom boyfriend had a strange conversation on the way home and he asked him had we had sex before. Sex? I told him it was cool that he always talked about those kinds of things. He still thought it was strange because we thought a simple peck was major for our age but sex definitely was not on our slate. We talked until about 12 and his mom made him get off the phone. I laid down for a while and remembered all the food we had left in the refrigerator and got up for the kitchen. The house was completely quiet and I was guessing everyone had went to bed. I began rummaging through leftovers when I turned around startled to see my mom's boyfriend standing there. He chuckled because he must have seen that he definitely caught me off guard and told me he heard me get up and decided to come talk to me. I didn't think much of it and he started to ask me questions about me and my friend and if we were thinking of having sex. I responded with I'm sure a puzzled look when I told him no. He began to tell me how nothing is wrong with having sex and it's a natural thing to do. The conversation and his tone started to get weird to me but I wasn't sure how to dismiss myself from it so I told him I was going to get me some clothes to change into and go to bed. I  walked into the washroom and he followed me and came behind me and started kissing my neck. I froze because I was shocked. When I turned around and started to say again that I needed to go to bed he began to shush me and grabbed me and started to stick his tongue in my mouth so deeply and all I could taste was cigarettes and his spit. I was thinking of all the things I should do...scream or something but all I could seem to do is stand there as he began to tell me how he has wanted me for so long and how he was jealous that I had my friend over all day. After some time he told me to go to my room quietly. I started to think I had to be dreaming a horrible dream but I realized it was indeed a reality when he shortly came in after me. He told me to be very quiet and that it would hurt my mom too much if she found out he wanted me the way he does and it would ruin her. I didn't want her to be mad at me and I kept thinking how if I would have went to bed this never would have happened. He started pulling my panties off and pushing his fingers inside of me. I started to get loud because of the pain when he told me I need to relax because he has something much bigger than his finger so he was trying to open me up some. Once he realized that there was no way he could go all the way without anyone hearing he stopped. I laid there silently as he told me I couldn't tell anyone what happened or it would cause a lot of trouble for my mom and me and my little brother would be sent away. After he left my room that night...I stayed up the rest of the night wondering whether I should tell what happened...was what happened my fault because I got out of bed...he hadn't beat me so was it really rape? It was the first hardest decision I ever had to make and I was only 12 years old.

Renewal

A couple of weeks ago I went to visit my church prior to joining the  church my dad pastors. I like to go there when I have no duties to fulfill at my church....which is rare. It was very hard for me to leave this church because I honestly enjoyed being somewhere for a while where all I had to do was be a member. I tithed and worshiped and grew there like never before. I had no idea the ins and outs of business of the church or who was click-ish or rude because I didn't see any of that. I went got the word and went home. This is when I started to have defined dreams and started believing in prophesying and understanding true anointing. I realized later after God forced me to change membership I had to be there for a period of time to be able to do what I do now and see the vision. So you can see why I sneak off here and there to be reminded and refreshed. This last time we went the Bishop said somethings that really stuck for me about my carnal mind. My carnality is a constant struggle because God shows me so much but my carnal mind at times rules my thoughts and actions. When He shows me something and it doesn't happen right away I instantly see it as a taken back promise because I don't understand the process and I become withdrawn and fall back into what's comfortable and seemingly safe for me because it's what I know. In the sermon Bishop made a statement similar to 'How do you know your struggle isn't there to get you to a breakthrough?' I thought because it doesn't feel good...we are so conditioned in this world to getting what we want fast that at times we don't realize the best things take time. Example...one of my best friends used to make this sun tea...I asked her how she made it because it was so delicious and she told me it seeps in the sun for hours through the day. I decided then that I would never make that tea because I didn't want to seep it for hours in the sun...lol I didn't have the patience for it where she had mastered it and decided the result was worth the time it took for it to sit. To me that has been a powerful lesson in my life...letting my situations be steeped by God so I can have the best result. One more point he brought up was how if we aren't in the word of God consistently that our carnal influence will over take us. TRUTH! I'm sure anyone who is a Christian will agree that they are at their strongest in rebuking the carnal way of doing things when they are prayed up and studied up. I sure am but for some reason I can be doing great with it and one small thing will throw me off and I have to start all over. We all need a constant revival in our spiritual life to keep the carnal man at bay. Just remember God always provides an out from bad decisions whether it's a subtle whisper or a crashing thunder. And just because you fall doesn't mean you have to crawl the rest of your life.

The Process

It's been quite some time since I wrote anything....not because I don't have plenty going on in my head but I just have so much going on in my life all the time by the time I sit down all I want to do is SIT. I need to do better. 😊 Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking about the things I have been praying for in my life and why some prayers seem to get answered with ease while the ones I pray the most seem to be stuck on a back shelf collecting dust. It's a very frustrating thing to think God is ignoring what you believe to be a simple step. But is He really ignoring me? I would say no because He shows me a lot but it's just not the process I chose in the timing I would like...isn't that the case with most of us when it comes to those MEGA prayers in our life? You may pray for a million dollars and see over a million in your lifetime go through your hands but since it wasn't a lump sum you think you never got it. You may pray for a mate and think they will be and look a certain way and the love of your life is the complete opposite of what you imagined. Why do you think that is? I have a theory  of course...we don't know who or what is best for ourselves so God shows us. Here is a great example. When I got divorced I gave myself a 2 year timeline before I got married again. I have to laugh at the thought now...11 years later I'm still very unmarried. ..but I'm so glad I didn't meet that two year goal because I was definitely not healed enough emotionally nor spiritually to be with anyone as their wife. I just was realizing I had low self esteem and how to rebuild it. I grew spiritually in ways I never would have if I had got married again soon. And I really needed more time to heal from my failed marriage and sort out all that happened and my responsibility in it. I needed time to realize what peace was. My list goes on and on and I realize the importance of the time God has taken to reveal me to ME....and show me all those areas I had tucked away behind a strong wall. I'm so glad God ignored my instant request to give Himself time to work on my wounds that I didn't realize I had. Now I won't lie 10 years of not having a long term relationship is a bit much to me and I was just telling my Ma that God is indeed punishing me for all the fun I had when I was young but I have no doubt He is working on my behalf. So I will say this to myself and you all trust God's process because your struggle may be leading to your next break through. He knows far better than we do what we need and even our true hearts desire. I know we like to quote all the time "Ask and you shall receive, knock and the door will be open" but we miss that part about having like minds with God so His will, will match our desires because we are so in tune with Him. Are you in tune to God's will and are you willing to trust His process?

I Just Look Like This

When I was married my husband had this phrase he would say when he felt someone thought he was easy to get over on and it would tickle me to hear him say "I just look like this here " basically saying just because I look stupid doesn't mean I am. Today as I write I want to use it differently...I look well put together...always strong...without struggles...or a care in the world...I JUST LOOK LIKE THIS...but I share the same struggles as anyone else. I have accepted the fact that God places people in my life that have similar insecurities I have had...similar struggles and questions as me...but one of the hardest thing with talking to people within these situations is convincing them we share the same battles...I JUST LOOK LIKE THIS. There was a young lady who felt her body was all she had of value to offer a man...when she first started talking to me she thought for sure I would judge her or think she was dirty but once I shared the exact same battle that I had with self image and how God showed me how valuable I am then changed my thoughts of my worth she saw hope for herself. There are so many times I have been forced to tell someone something I did in my past or went through that was embarrassing or actually held me hostage from shame in order to witness to someone who was in the same situation . One of the biggest mistakes we as Christians make is acting as if we have never done things wrong or shameful...we often come off condescending or as if we have arrived to the highest state of glory to the point we can look down on others. I personally make a point to explain my imperfect ways now and in the past. I don't do this to excuse behavior but to say we ALL are imperfect and we ALL have done things we are ashamed of. Not only that but we ALL also have struggles. The great thing is being able to know God brought me out of my ridiculous mess then and continues to revamp me as I grow. To me that is what being a Christian is about being able to use your battles that you have won to inspire someone in the same situation. So if you see me and think I'm always on top...or have it all together...or always do the right thing..etc...just remember I'm no better than you or anyone ekse.. I JUST LOOK LIKE THIS.

It's not what you go through....its how you go through.

Traveling Light

When it comes to sharing my experiences I try to talk about things from how I'm feeling at that time. If you have taken the time to read any of my past posts you know I have so many reasons to not trust or enough stuff to make anyone nuts for sure. I have had people tell me it's a wonder I like men at all but that is definitely a God gift. However one of the hardest things I fight against is baggage. There are things that trigger me wanting to put on my running shoes and take off because of so many bad experiences in relationships. One of my friends is always saying it's so hard to erase those old tapes in your head when they have been playing over and over for years. I'm sure I'm not the only one that at times feels God is having a good ole chuckle at my expense because the craziest stuff happens to me when I date...lets see there was the guy that was head over heels for me then I prayed about it to God and the next day he said he was going to ask his ex to marry him...then there was the one who loved me since we were kids but um...left me for his crazy baby momma...there was the other one that wanted to really get revenge on me because when we were kids I never gave him a chance...oh and the refuse to commit year after year one...and that is the short list from the last 3 years .I mean I swear this is the longest episode of Punkd I've ever witnessed. When I talk to my friends they don't really understand because for the most part they are all married or have men and they haven't a clue what dating is like right now in 2015. The hardest thing right now for me is not so much giving up but not being scared of the process. We all have baggage and things that we never want to do again but when so many different things happen it's hard to not wait for the shoe to fall when you meet someone. Now I'm even scared to pray the LORD IF THIS IS NOT FOR ME REMOVE HIM prayer because something major always happens and poof 99.9% are gone but that .1 is always there not moving forward or backward. My prayer today is that I don't let my circumstances and past bad experiences de-motivate me. Being in Love is an amazing gift but unfortunately  I have to keep taking a chance and maybe one day God will say I have had enough and let me experience it again but with reciprocation. Meanwhile, I pray my baggage be packed light and doesn't get so heavy I can even carry it, that my friends STOP giving me those be strong speeches or any of that because it just annoys meat this point  and the next person I like will have his baggage light enough to carry on forward.
PS God if I am missing something can you help me out here? Amen.

My SELF Esteem is Mine

In our world today we are flooded with so many different images that are labeled as beautiful. It is starting to change little by little but most pictures of beauty we see are of people with what the world labels as a perfect body...or perfect skin...perfect hair. When I was a little girl I was perfectly fine with my skin tone but I always wished for naturally straight hair that curled up when I wet it. 😊Needless to say I had to grow to love my own thick hair that no way curled neatly when I wet it. Then I went through a phase where I wanted a humongous butt with a little wasted...I learned to appreciate my mid size derrière and Im semi working on my waste.😆 As I have grown though I have gotten to a place where I loooove everything about this beautiful design God made called ME! I remember reading once how insulting it has to be to God for me to be complaining about how He made me. The next thing I realized was that not being happy completely with myself caused me to not make the best choices for myself and tolerating things I never would have if I had more SELF esteem. It wasn't an obvious lack of self esteem though...I never thought I was ugly or any but maybe not as cute as I should be. I had to learn how accept compliments without denying it by just saying thank you. I would worry about being judged by who I was dating about my weight...skin...hair...which was ridiculous. I wrote before about how when I got married my ex husband had to literally turn every light on and hide the covers before I'd let him see me nude. That poor man had to do more assuring me of my beauty that first couple of years to the point he banned anyone else to comment on it..lol I guess it was hard enough. Before my grandmother passed she had started calling me Pretty Girl...and every time I would look behind me as if someone else had to be there.  Somewhere in the mist I had to take ownership of healing my SELF esteem that I had realized was seriously broken.How did I do this? I spent a year looking on the mirror telling myself how beautiful I was and that I was beautiful and wonderfully made. I had a whole thing I would say to myself until I  believed it. Next if someone compliments me...I say....THANK YOU...I know it sounds simple..Last but most important I reminded myself constantly that God made me just like this...yes I can work out...do things to my hair...but God purposely made me this way. Taking ownership of my SELF esteem makes me only except what is best for me. If someone approaches me w things they wish I'd change I don't entertain it...No I'm not perming my hair...no I will not ever be a skinny minny...but YES you cant accept me as God designed me to be or keep walking. I wont try to prove how wonderful I am to you because I don't fit your ideal woman. Being me and comfortable with who I am is one of the best things I have grown to do.

Forgiving

It's been a while since I've had the time to write anything, and I admit I often stop because it seems no one is paying attention until someone out of the blue will ask why I haven't written anything, or will come to me and say how they love that I'm open to share such hard things. Writing has been my therapy since I was a little girl and it just comes natural for me. Today I want to talk about the importance of forgiveness. If you have read some of my past posts you know that as a child from 12-15 I was molested, at 16 I was raped, and at 28 I was raped and held hostage. These acts were all committed by someone I knew and trusted. And unfortunately have had to see repeatedly over time. One of the things people tend to ask me is how I can manage to not be angry all the time. Honestly I can only say it's God's doing because He knew if I harbored that kind of anger and resentment that I couldn't be what He needed me to be as far as witnessing to others about forgiving. Here are some misconceptions about forgiving that I myself have found to be true. First, the phrase forgive and forget is misleading. Forgive and forget doesn't mean you forget what was done or what took place it means that it doesn't have such a clutch on your spirit and heart that you live and breath that discretion to the point it consumes you. When my ex husband raped and held me hostage it took the courts two years to decide the case was worthy of a trial. In all honesty I had forgiven him long before that..it didn't make me forget what happened but I didn't spend two years reliving that night. Can you imagine how far behind I would be spiritually if I hadn't went on from that night? It was absolutely not easy and I wouldn't want to do it ever again. So when you hear forgive and forget it doesn't mean erase it from memory because there is a lesson in every trial we have. Next know when you have forgiven by how you react. Ok I'll admit forgiving is hard to do especially when someone had hurt us or our love ones...so don't think I'm the Saint of forgiveness...its hard but if we say we forgive someone then we hear their name or see them we lose our minds then likely you haven't forgave them. When I would see the person who molested me or the one who raped me and they were living fancy free and on top of that wanted to speak to me as if they hadn't done any harm I would want to use them for target practice. Now the most I think is that it's a shame they are so sick minded they see no wrong in their perverse minds. Now don't get me wrong I am not friends with them...we dont chat...and I have no words for them but I wish no harm or foul to them. It happens that both are very ill at this point in life and I have no glee in my spirit about their suffering. That has to be God because me left to my own resources would be throwing a party. Last forgiving is more for you than the person you are forgiving. I have said this often...why are we walking around all upset at this person and they are going on about their lives. Who are we really hurting here? I refuse to allow someone who has caused me pain directly to continue to have that control over me when they aren't phased one bit by it. Not to mention I'm responsible for my end and will have to give account for not doing what I was supposed to. So let's see...I'm going to be wronged...be mad and make myself miserable while they go on with life...AND get in trouble with God because I refused to forgive? Wow when I Iook at it that way it just isn't fair to me not to forgive. I wrote this hoping it reaches someone. This is not something I have mastered and I struggle with forgiving people at times so don't think I'm the queen of this topic I always have work to do. I just felt it was something we all needed to hear.

Ephesians 4:31-32 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.(attitude: loving and forgiving just like God forgave

Courthouse Miracle

Once the probation officer told me the public defender would be back the next week I began to call her....and call her AND CALL HER. I called that woman every single day for a month. I never would get anything more than her voice mail and no returned call.  How in the world will she be able to defend Caleb if she has no idea who he is? I was irritated that I had to basically have a child on punishment that did nothing wrong other than leaving his car door open. He hated not going to school. I was irritated with everyone...the schools...the attorneys...everyone and all Caleb would say is THEY ARE JUST DOING THEIR JOBS. IM NOT WORRIED IT WILL BE FINE.  I was glad he remained faithful but I was frustrated beyond measure. Finally the Thursday before our court date I randomly called expecting no answer and got her on the phone.  She was very short with me and sounded a tad agitated that I had called her so much. I even ended up telling her that I was TOLD  she is a good attorney so I am asking questions based on that not to be annoying. She got kind of quiet and asked WHEN CAN I MEET CALEB. This is where my mouth couldn't match my thoughts because all I could think of is how I had been trying to call her for a month and Caleb has been available...she was the one out of pocket! I digressed and set an appointment for 2 that Friday. The next day Ma, Caleb and I went to meet her. She was 15 minutes late, walked in talking on her cell and didn't speak nor apologize for her tardiness. She came back to the door and said Caleb's name. I stood up with Caleb and she said no just Caleb. I know my face looked funny because it took me off guard. But when she asked me WHATS THAT FACE FOR? I really was irritated. All I could think was about how Caleb represents himself  and how I didn't want to tarnish that. I let it go. About 30 minutes later she came and got me and Ma. Her attitude was a lot better which I was glad of and assumed after she talked to Caleb she knew he wasn't a thug and realized her demeanor was not necessary. She explained she basically went back on vacation when she came back from Europe which she had been gone a month...then came back for a day or two and left again for two weeks. So she was behind. I understood her position but honestly that was not my problem because my kid had court Monday. I asked her about dna she said it was irrelevant...I asked her about the other boy we had received pictures of with a gun on Instagram nope she hadn't heard of it...sigh...she really didn't know the case but she did know the law and in short said Caleb  would get the charge for possession since the gun was in the car. I explained to her how the school had even released the boy from attending Lisa because they saw the Instagram post. I asked her about the character letters and she said they were nice but his character didn't matter...just the law. I was just hurt at him possibly having to have a charge on his juvenile record. He is at a crucial planning period granted college doesn't check juvenile records but he is also considering air force and they do! But I prepared myself and my family. Right before we left the attorney asked if I could get the vice principal to come testify at the last minute. We left the office and not long after I got to my folks house the vice Principal called ME. She was irritated that the prosecutor called to ask her to testify that  Caleb had the gun. She told her that she won't ever say anything that will hurt Caleb and the gun isn't his. I asked her to please come. She agreed and met us at the court room and stayed the entire morning.We sat for about 2 hours after and the attorney finally came to get me, Arthur and Caleb and told us the prosecutor offered a deal for Caleb to get a pass where as long as he doesn't get in trouble the next year all charges will be dismissed!! No probation...no probation officer...just keep being good. THIS is the very thing Garanimals laughed in my face when I ask d her about last time we were in court. Out attorney didn't even mention it as a potential result. Everyone kept saying his character was irrelevant all that mattered was the law. But when the prosecutor stood up to announce the plea she stated that she doesn't believe it is his weapon. After the judge okayed it all and set a court date for a year from now. Caleb went and thanked the prosecutor and shook her hand..she replied I heard you are a good young man so you are welcome. When we went out Caleb's attorney said out of 15 years she had NEVER saw that happen with these kind of charges. She was shocked. I was so happy and told her it was all God. When we left I asked how Caleb felt and all he said was God told me He was allowing this to happen for a reason but He would get me out of it so I never was worried because He has ME. Amen Caleb Amen!

1st Court Date Frustration

As you all can imagine by Monday we all were as sleep deprived as we could be. Kennedy was moping around, even the dog kept going to Caleb's room looking for him and whining. Arthur was irritated because it has been even longer since he saw him. All I kept thinking about was him being without contact with us all weekend. The whole village was there dressed like we THOUGHT everyone dressed for court, especially since we were representing the type of family comes from. The room was packed with people mostly waiting for court with their child, some actually had two kids with court. Let me say this before I make this statement I don't believe every child that acts up was not brought up knowing better or doesn't have parents that pray and love them like I do with mine. Sometimes they just make decisions to exert their free will and it's the opposite of what they are taught. But their are more times where the parents are trifling, hence them fighting when they were coming to visit their child in juvenile causing a lock down, and the room was full of examples why my heart breaks for our youth. When the momma shows up like she is fresh from the club and the daddy's that were even there come in without their hair combed and sagging where you can see their underwear its no wonder the list is so long with kids in trouble. Several kids cursing at their parents. Quite the mess to say the least. We finally were called in and only Me, Arthur, Ma, and Daddy were allowed back as we were bluntly told only after we got up to go in. Once we got in court a woman with an oversized garanimal outfit, bad teeth and lack of eloquence in her speaking came to talk to us. If you know me, ma or Arthur you know we don't do well with facial expressions and Arthur is always talking where only I can hear him and Ma just says stuff out loud. Well this was one of those crazy face, talking under our breath moments. Meanwhile, the prosecutor had on a full suit, looked professional, and was very articulate. Nonetheless  I did my best to listen to her hoping this was not the GREAT public defender my associate that is a prosecutor mentioned to me worked the juvenile cases. Let's just call this woman Garanimals because I don't remember her name. So anyway Garanimals comes to talk to us and mid sentence stops talking to is and starts laughing and playing with her co worker passing about whatever, but she never finished talking or explaining anything to us. Now when Daddy started to talk and say OH NO THIS WONT WORK that truly attest to how irritated we were with this woman that is supposed to be a professional. Court started and since this was a basic hearing to determine if Caleb will be released or not and conditions until his adjudication hearing. Caleb walked in still wearing the orange jail jumpsuit because we were not allowed to bring him clothes for court. I saw Garanimals whispering to Caleb and wondered what she was saying.( I later found out from him she was saying YOU GOT YOURSELF IN A MESS THIS TIME HUH?) The judge asked who everyone was in the court room and the charges of possession of a firearm on school property and theft by receiving was read off by the prosecutor. I was then called to the stand and asked questions like...do you have other children in the juvenile  system...were you married when you had Caleb....has Caleb ever ran away...does he stay out all night...what's Caleb's biological father name???? Ok I won't lie when he asked for his biological father's name my whole family cringed because he IS in the criminal system repeatedly and if that had any bearing on anything Caleb would nevrr come home. The judge lectured me about saying Arthur is the dad because when they ask for the father they mean biological...blah blah blah...I said the biological father is inactive and has been for over 10 years..he is not a factor when it comes to the rearing of the children and the judge allowed it after he reiterated terminology. He asked about plans for Caleb's school and told us GOOD LUCK in getting the school to do anything other than expel him for a year. He then said Caleb testing negative for all drugs TODAY as if tomorrow would be different. He allowed Caleb to be released to me and Arthur under the grounds that he only go to work or church and he could only drive to those places otherwise he had to be with either parent or grandparent. He said usually he bans driving but he would allow it in this case. He assigned Caleb a probation officer and random drug tests. Other than that he was free to go until the next court date June 1st. I tried to talk to Garanimals but she basically brushed me off and laughed in my face and said fat chance of Caleb getting a pass with his charges and refused to even consider the character letters. This couldn't be the great defense attorney I heard about. I still asked for her card which she reluctantly gave me. We then went to meet Caleb downstairs and then back to talk to the probation officer Dwayne Wilkins which we found out was related to Arthur.  The only thing he wanted Caleb to do was call him once a week and he would test him for drugs the next court date because he knows Caleb's not on drugs. We used the opportunity to ask about Garanimals and almost broke out in a holy ghost two step when he said she was just a sub and the one that would represent Caleb was in Europe and returning the following week and she was the one my friend had mentioned. Not long after we left we had to go to his school and see what their decision was and they opted to expel Caleb not because they believed it was him but because it was their policy. (I was able to appeal and with the help of his vice principal get his expulsion just from school grounds and he take his classes from home) For the mean time we were ecstatic to have Caleb back home and had his friends come over so they could see he was fine. Now we had to prepare for the next  fight to prove Caleb's innocence.

Character When We Weren't Watching

In my prior post I made  mention of us requesting that people write character letters for Caleb to present as statements of who he truly was. The kids rallied and did a free Caleb letter drive. It was so powerful reading letters that people wrote about how Caleb interacted with his peers...they used words like PEACE MAKER...CARING...GENTLE...LOVING...All those words a parent prays their child is when they are not looking. His peers were so funny because they even had a free Caleb hash tag until he was home. They were so sad when he wasn't home by Friday I felt bad for THEM! I wish I could post every single letter from students and teachers I got but I can't. So I will post a few from his peers that were emailed to me because the rest were typed out.

Character Letters

"The first time I met Caleb Boyd, we were freshmen. Being a new student, naturally he was more on the quiet side. As years went on and he  accumulated friends, I noticed that his shy and meek demeanor never changed. As I got to know him more (this year in particular), I realized that it was simply his personality to be more on the submissive and quiet side. 

In the 3 years of attending school with Caleb, never have I heard him say a bad word about anyone. Being such a small school, many students have experienced drama or some form of altercation with one another, but not Caleb. He always tried to stay away from anything that had potential of a negative outcome. I've witnessed Caleb mediate arguments between his friends and help to work the situation peacefully. Peaceful might be one of the best words to describe his character. Even in his voice, you can tell that he is a kind and meek individual. Not only is he kind, but he's also full of potential and any teacher or student could vouch for that. He has incredible writing skills and has many  goals and aspirations in life. And though the situation and circumstances, I still believe he will do great things because Caleb is driven to further his  education and be successful. I also recall him being very giving. If anyone needed something, he'd be there. If someone looked tired or overworked, he' d make a point to talk to them and see how they were doing. It seemed that he genuinely cared for the wellbeing of others and that in itself made me proud to call myself his friend.You can tell that his kindness is genuine and because of this, he tried so hard to see the good in everyone and he befriended people he probably shouldn't have. He likely did such in hopes that he could steer them in the right direction or provide some sort of moral support for those he felt needed it. I don't believe that the gun was Caleb's in any way. Not only because it doesn't fit his moral character but also because he is a smart, sweet, respectful kid with one of the most contagious smiles I've ever seen. There's a genuine innocence about him that's undeniable. Most everyone at school, including faculty were absolutely appalled when the news came forward and we are all convinced that there is more to the story (likely involving other people) due to the fact that it isn't like Caleb to have or do narcotics nor to carry or own a gun or anything of the sort.

All I can hope is that the truth comes forward and that Caleb will return to school soon and be relieved of the stress I can imagine came with this unfortunate situation.

Natalie"

"To Whom It May Concern:

My name is Morgan Holloman and I have had the privilege of becoming close friends with Caleb during my last year of high school. We met at the first home basketball game where he gave up his seat for me when the top section became crowded. Caleb is undoubtedly one of the kindest people I have ever met. Every single morning before school started, I could count of Caleb texting me "Good Morning!". It has been difficult not receiving those messages. If there was ever a time when I seemed upset or stressed, Caleb was one of the only people that would make sure my day turned around. Caleb and I often spoke about college, mutual engineering goals and the common goal to make our mothers proud. Spanish class was already stressful considering the rigor we were presented with, but turning around to the empty desk behind me where Caleb used to sit has been harder than I expected. My friendship with Caleb is a testament to the fact that the length of time you've known someone does not determine the significance of their role in your life. I recently came across a few pictures that Caleb and I took on my birthday. The image that is being portrayed by the media is not my friend. I'm a firm believer in the power of prayer and I know that God will see Caleb & his family through this hard time. Caleb has goals that no man can stop. Caleb has an impeccable amount of respect for authority and an unyielding amount of honesty. I know that at the end of this process, Caleb will walk away even stronger and resilient than he was before. I have no problem speaking on his behalf. In fact, I am grateful that I have the opportunity to speak about MY friend.

Thank You,
Morgan"

"I been knowing Caleb since the 8th grade. He is smart, funny, well-mannered, and one of the realest friends I ever had. He literally tells me everything and I can go to him for great advice for just about anything. When I found out he got arrested, I couldn't believe that it happened. I really thought I was dreaming, it really didn't hit me until the next day that he might actually get time for something that I know that he wouldn't do. I know he wouldn't do that because its not even in his character to do anything that the police report said. I know he wouldn't steal because he wouldn't even steal a pencil from one of his classmates. He always tells me to do the right thing even if times are hard. so I know for a fact its not his fault. My prays go out to his family and of course Caleb, hopefully the police will let him go.
Nate"

Ok let's be honest most people believe their kids are great...I'm no different...they are mine I'm supposed to think that but when so many people from kids... teachers...kids parent's ...the man he pays monthly for his mattress...to his boss at work KNOW from interactions with your child that is a wonderful thing. This part made me so happy to know he was doing his best to be a good person. We had so many letters by Monday and all of them telling different stories about Caleb. I never profess perfection from my kids or me for that matter. But to AT LEAST know your child knows the right way to live and has listened to something along the way is amazing. I tell people all the time that we do our very best to instill all we can and tell them whats right while we can so we can never feel bad for not doing it. They can never say we didn't teach them or show them the right thing. Kids are like sponges...they absorb what you put in... I'm so glad he has used his sponge wisely in how he carries himself even when we are NOT looking. 

Long Weekend

After channel 16 and 4 reported the story with our family statement, without lies, while the other stations were making up story lines we sat and purposely decided who we would and wouldn't tell. Other than my friend I initially called, and my supervisor I hadn't told anyone. I didn't want people asking me questions or making judgements or speculations. We knew Caleb would be home Monday so we especially didn't want people messing with him or saying stupid things people tend to do. When I sat there I realized I literally had a hand full of people I would tell. Not that my friends aren't my friends...just some of them talk too much. I had to think how helpful they would be in the situation...it boiled down to five of my friends and 1 church member that I would tell. They were my additional sanity. They did just what I needed. Meanwhile, Thursday night I received a text from Caleb's best friend that pictured another boy they went to school with that Caleb was friends with. The picture was of the boy holding a gun that he posted on Instagram. Caleb's friend said that he believes the gun was this boys and that he never liked the boy but Caleb still tried to be the boys friend. We became hopeful that the gun was the one they found in Caleb's car and that maybe we could get Caleb home Friday morning. We disbursed and went home on a high note that we could show this to the police and get Caleb home. The next morning we went to the police station and they said they had already received the picture from the vice Principal at the school and it was NOT the same gun. Sigh....they wouldn't even investigate any kind of way to see if there were prints on the gun that were someone else's even after I explained what's all of the kids were reporting about this other child that Caleb tried to befriend despite of the other kids not wanting to be bothered with him. After leaving the police station we started making calls and talking to people in law enforcement that we knew or anyone we knew that was an attorney. We knew a prosecutor and he basically told us that the ONLY thing the law has to prove is that the gun was in Caleb's car whether it was his or not since it was in his property the charge was on him.but he asked us has Caleb been in trouble before and was he a good kid. We told him no trouble and normal good kid. He told us to get letters attesting to Caleb's character from as many people as possible to present and see if Caleb could get what they call a pass meaning as long as he doesn't get in trouble for a year it will be dropped. So I started to rally as many sources as I could for character letters. I told his best friend. He told the kids and teachers at the school. It was the sweetest thing to see so many kids coming together and boldly asking their parents and teachers to write letters so Caleb could come home. I'll talk more about the letters tomorrow. We were told we could see Caleb from 1-5. I couldn't wait to see him because I really wasn't sure how he was. His dad had stayed with me I'm sure to watch how I was and we barely closed our eyes let alone rested worrying about Caleb's night and having to tell him he couldn't come home until Monday. As soon as one o'clock came I was there with Ma and Daddy. Arthur had an errand to run right quick and was headed there since we had 4 hours we thought. We were in this small room with two other parents and their children. Caleb came out in a orange jail jumpsuit and we smiled at him and told him how  awful that color was on him. He laughed. Then he said I JUST GOT THROUGH READING THE BIBLE AND PRAYING WITH MY CELL MATE RIGHT BEFORE THEY CALLED ME OUT HERE WHAT YAWL BEEN UP TO? I just looked at him in amazement. We all responded WORRYING ABOUT YOU! His response was a slight chuckle and he said I'M OK DON’T WORRY ABOUT ME GOD HAS ALREADY TOLD ME WHY I'M HERE AND HE IS GOING TO WORK IT OUT AND I BELIEVE HIM. DON’T WORRY I'M  OK. I again was amazed at Caleb's calm spirit and responses. Who knew he had such faith. He told us how he and the guy that he roomed with were reading and talking about the bible most times and other than being bored and wanting to go home he was fine. He was on a 48 hour lock down since he was new.We started telling him how the news 7 and 11 were making up stories and I asked did they question him some more or something and they had NOT. I asked him about the boy the kids were saying did it and Caleb wasn't sure who would do such a thing to him because he didn't have issues with anyone but he prayed whoever it was didn't do it again and turns their life around. He also said he refused to point fingers at anyone without knowing for sure because he wouldn't want anyone in that situation if they didn't do anything wrong like he hadn't. I was amazed because honestly that would not have been MY reply NOW let alone 17. Thirty minutes later they told us our time was up. Come to find out visitation was from 1-5 for 30 minutes only. His dad didn't make it to see him but at least we knew he was ok and is far better spirits than we thought he would be. He told us AGAIN to not worry because he wasn't. I kissed my son and told him I'd see him the next day. Another restless night and Saturday came. Arthur wanted to be sure to go so he could see Caleb since he missed Friday. We all met went to the door and was met with a sign on the door that stated "Weekend visits have been canceled" WHAT?????? I won't get to see my baby until Monday!? There was no explanation of why but we found out later that evening the PARENTS had been up there fighting so they locked it all down for the weekend....AGAIN I SIGH... Arthur was especially hurt an just kept saying I haven't seen my baby since THURSDAY! But there was nothing we could do but go home and pray his safety the next two days. I did thank God for letting me see him Friday and knowing he was okay. Arthur's birthday was on that Sunday and he went to church and got back in bed. I was barely eating without someone forcing me let alone sleeping. We all went to church missing Caleb's voice while we sang and back to my folks house to exchange more information. This was the longest weekend ever but God gave me just enough peace of mind when I saw Caleb to get me through it. Amen.

The Call

Disclaimer: This is a long testimonial story so I will break it down into different blog writings daily.  Anyone that knows me knows I  have always wanted to be a mom. Even now I would love to have one more, and if I would have stayed married I surely would have a house full. Given various situations I never thought I'd have children of my own so when I found out I was pregnant the first time with Caleb to say I was shocked would be an understatement. I was so glad God blessed me with the ability to carry and bare two children the very first thing I did when I had chance once the hospital room was cleared was thank God and give them back to Him so that He could guide me in this very hard role called parenting. I have done my best to always raise them as respectful children and I pray regularly for them to make wise choices. An anyone that talks to me regularly knows I have a wonderful support system that I call THE VILLAGE(the kids dad Arthur,  Ma, Daddy, Sis and Brother) to help me stay sane and to help me. I remember what I was like at their ages (12 and 17) and the challenges I faced so I know it's imperative to keep them covered in prayer because I never know what they may encounter in a course of a day. On April 23rd I received a call from my children's school which was a basic recorded message saying the school was having a random drug search and the children are on lock down until the search is done but to not be alarmed. Immediately after that call I received another call from the vice Principal saying I need to come to the school immediately regarding my son Caleb(17). The first thing that came to mind was that maybe my son had marijuana. I didn't believe Caleb was on drugs but it isn't uncommon for kids to experiment right? I rushed to leave work and frantically first called my sister, no answer. Then I called Momma...no answer. Next on the list was Daddy and he answered. I told him about the call and he said he would meet me at the school. I'm all ready to lecture my kid about smoking weed and I pull up and there are police everywhere. I get out of my car and I'm sure my face was puzzled at why in the world there was so many policemen for a little weed. An officer verified who I was and began to tell me that they found a 40 caliber loaded gun w hollow point bullets in it with one in the chamber in his floor board AND the gun was stolen out of Benton. t My only reply was EXCUSE ME WHAT? The officer repeated his statement and I immediately looked at Caleb to see what his eyes would tell me. He shook his head to say it wasn't his gun. A gun? I wasn't prepared for that at all! Where would my kid get a gun from and why would he need a gun? Was he in a secret gang? Did we miss something that was going on? Was he being bullied? Shortly after Daddy showed up and I told him what they said and his face was just as puzzled as mine. They gave me the keys to my son's car and told me they weren't towing it. (Blessing) But of course they were arresting Caleb. I called his dad to tell him what happened so he could meet me.frantically started calling my mom and sister and sending text messages as to what was happening. I still couldn't get anyone to answer so I called one of my close friends because at this point I was beyond frantic. I didn't know whether to believe Caleb or strangle him. I am not a parent that ever likes to say what my kids will never do because lets be honest we have all done things our parents probably never thought we would...it's called free will so I just was unsure what to believe. We all (the village) met at the police station, and at that point we all had mixed emotions about what was going on and so many questions. Finally the officer came to get me since Caleb is a minor they couldn't question him without me present. Caleb said it wasn't his gun, he doesn't know whose gun it is. He did admit that he never locked his doors because he was too lazy to. His story didn't waiver or change. He willingly took a dna test to prove he never handled the gun. The detective kept saying that Caleb didn't fit the bill of what they usually see and he really didn't believe it was his gun but that he knows whose it was. Caleb said he had no clue. I gave him the DON’T TAKE A CHARGE FOR SOMETHING YOU DIDN'T DO talk. He continued to say he wasn't and he absolutely had no idea. I believed him but I also realized that things were really serious. Because not only was it a gun but a stolen one as well. The more the detective talked to Caleb the more they realized his character but their hands were tied because the gun was in his car. Daddy came up because Caleb asked could he talk to him and he told him the same thing he told us that he didn't do it and the gun wasn't his. My dad believed him. The detectives started trying to call the prosecutor to ask if they could just release Caleb to me instead of him being locked in juvenile all weekend because he truly seemed like a good kid. The prosecutor said no not only would he have to go he had to stay until Monday because all of them were at  conference. My child had never been away from me in a strange place he didn't want to be. He never waivered the or even cried all he kept saying was it's not his gun and he didn't know whose it was. Of course when I had to tell everyone Caleb had to stay there were lots of tears. I couldn't allow myself to be overly emotional all I could think of is how can I get my baby home. The detectives let my mom go back an again Caleb pleaded his innocence. They called for transport and I was trying to get Ma and Joanna (my sister) out before they came through with Caleb in but I was unsuccessful and it was so sad to see that and my mom an sister broke down. Caleb asked the officers could he hug my sister so she knows he is ok and they let him. We all met at my parent's house and decided who we would and wouldn't talk to about it. The list was very short. I realized that I have quite a few friends who just talk too much so I didn't feel comfortable even talking to them an then there's the ones that always look for anything they can look down their noses at. We didn't need any extra drama or questions as it was. We went just in time to the school to get the car because the media was like hunting dogs chasing a rabbit. I was so overwhelmed and worried about my baby an then I had  strange number calling and when I answered it was a reporter. I was too exhausted and handed the phone to my Daddy. He told her we will make a decision whether we want to issue a statement. The phones were ringing with people who knew kids who went to Caleb's school and obviously told them what happened but it's funny people that never call all of  sudden calling as if they weren't calling  to be nosey. We still said nothing. My daughter started hanging up on her that were calling fishing for information. We decide to issue a statement from the family stat Caleb's innocence and caliber. We were grateful later for the opportunity because that reporter was the ONLY reporter who told the truth. The other stations seemed to have wrote their own story because I suppose the truth wasn't good enough. They weren't able to release his name but they released everything else plus some of their own extra lies with it. I couldn't believe that day was happening and only could pray for my son's protection and livelihood.  God remember  how I gave you my babies back right after you blessed me with them. He is yours please watch over and keep him. Amen.

Dating is Not a Foreign Concept

Dating for real??? I will be one of many to say that being single is challenging. One of the most frustrating things for me is the whole "so called" dating process society has put in place. My Daddy always taught me that a man should want to spend time with me openly and get to know me without automatically assuming that after he would be getting anything aside from a good conversation and a thank you and if its really good another date. Unfortunately, a lot of men have somehow lost this process along the way and replaced it with coming to each others house and "hookin up" with each other, which I often tell my friends is a trap which will leave you most times feeling very disappointed in yourself.  This is something I even have to admit I have fell for. (Imperfect remember?)When  I tell a man we can meet and bowl or eat dinner I have heard men complain that women just trying to get a free meal. I would think if you are pursuing me seriously I am worth a meal at the least sir!!!. I really get annoyed that if/when I go on a date the man thinks my cookie is up for negotiation and often asks if he will be rewarded with it if we go. It always amazes me that anyone would think buying a meal is equal to me giving one of my best assets in exchange. Seriously? 😐 I can go on and on about this topic but believe it or not this is not a griping post...recently my faith in the dating system was restored. I'm disappointed to say I was so used to the craziness I didn't recognize the TRUE process initially. Let me say first  Im not bragging at all but merely reassuring my sisters all hope for true dating is not lost. When I started dating this man he told me his intent in regards to me in the beginning..and what his needs were...and we set our own rules and boundaries along the way. It helped that we are friends so we could do that fairly quick and honestly. Men know what they want yawl...they aren't confused as they pretend to be or we like to believe they are. Dont rush them but dont believe they have no clue what plan they have in mind for you. They do. A big part of my goal is to be a peaceful place for him when we are together  so we go places together just for fun whether it be a walk in the park, dinner or whatever just to spend time. We dont always have to spend money....the time is what counts. When we are out with each other he is very complimentary and chivalrish which unfortunately I had gotten used to not having. Am I the only one who has been on a date and was sure people looking had no clue we were out together because the person seemed disconnected...Now I can't imagine life with anyone that didn't exhibit these characteristics . Most of all we usually do stuff that caters to my need to talk...lol He knows I love to talk and since we both have hectic lives I have lots to share and ask and for that time period I have his undivided attention. We talk on the phone but there is nothing like face to face conversation and feedback. I am not sure how it will all pan out for us but I have to say he is and has restored a lot of ideals that I thought for sure were mere fantasy in our society. Yessssss....all hope is NOT lost for us. So take it from one single person to another dating isn't a lost practice...don't sell yourself short or conform to anything less but be reasonable in your expectations.

I know its been a while since I wrote and so much has happened over the months I can't even begin to know what to write about first...I can definitely say that I have had some significant changes in how I see things...and I have been forced to step out of my comfort zone in so many areas in my life...work pushes me...church pushes me...my family pushes me...and my love life pussssssshes me. It's like God is sharpening me in all these areas at once and with each thing I learn in each area I am using what I learn in those other areas. Lets take patience...in my current position I have to have continued patience with all things that come about. That helps me in my leadership roles at church and dealing with people in a patient way. That spills over to my family...and love life. At some point I prayed for patience, which I won't ever do again, and God allowed me to go through situations that called for patience beyond what I ever thought I had. Now it's like I'm testing on what I have learned. Lord I hope I'm passing. I will do better with writing because if just one person can read and somehow learn something from my crazy life it's worth the time. Bye for now.