Wilderness'itis

I made up that word WILDERNESS'ITIS just now. It had to be a God sent word. I was trying to figure out what in the world I should be writing about today. An for some reason the Israelites wondering through the wilderness for forty years popped in my mind. Not as if them being in the wilderness ten times longer than it took to get to the promised land wasn't bad enough but what kept them from the promise is what came to my mind just now as I was thinking about the changes going on all around me. I am doing my best to not get WILDERNESS'ITIS. WILDERNESS'ITIS is grumbling and complaining the whole way through and not knowing how to acknowledge all that God is doing and be content with where I am in life. When we hear the story of the Israelites it's very easy to judge their ungratefulness and lack of faith in God but I wonder would I have been a grumbler/whiner that didn't make it to the promise land because of my lack of faith. I sure would hope not The truth is we ask God for so much and even if He gave us every single thing we asked for we would somehow find a way to moan and groan about it. Lord bless me with a job....He gives it to us next thing you know...Oh GOD! I'm sick of this job! We ask for food and shelter and then we complain about what type of food and shelter He provides. Then when He wants us to just be still and acknowledge Him we whine and complain all through that process as well. I can say I have had WILDERNESS'ITIS plenty of times. The truth is a lot of the things that we want when we want it are not things we are ready for. I have thought I was ready and realize after some time I wasnt ready at all when I thought I was. I thank God for knowing better than me because there would be many disasters in my life if He didnt. Sometimes He says a flat no because its not what we need or the best thing for us. Being content where I am in life, and seeking growth at whatever level I am at is sometimes the hardest thing to do. It is so easy to get into a whoas me state of mind. There are some people that reek of negativity and have no clue that all they do is moan and complain all the time and then wonder why things do seem to change. I am finding that contentment helps you to calm down and see exactly what is going on around you. It is a time to hear clearly without fretting over things that are not in our control anyway. Contentment doesn't mean I don't still desire those things that I have asked God for.It means that while He works it out I am at peace that however He does it....He has got me. Meanwhile I have work to do on me. I also realize that much like the Israelites I can easily get WILDERNESS'ITIS and stay stuck in the same spot for an indefinite amount of time all because I refused to give it over to God, and trust His choices for my life, AND refused to see the blessings right before me. So today writing this I compel you to be content with what God has given you at this point in life, but not complacent. Seek His will for your life and if you think you are stuck...ask Him to show you YOU and what HE(God) would have you to do while He works on your behalf.

BRINGING FORTH LIFE

When I found out I was pregnant with each child I was thrilled! No matter what situation I was going through I was ecstatic that God gave me an opportunity to bring forth life. Carrying and having a child is the most amazing thing I've done. I know I went through labour but I honestly don't remember the extent of pain and the 13 hours seemed now to have flown by. When I saw their little faces none of that mattered at all to me because I had gave birth to a brand new life! Wow...our spiritual lives aren't much different. I don't know about you but no one could have told me when I was having those contractions that all that suffering wouldn't matter at all and would become a vague memory because the beauty after that labor would supersede all that I went through to get those babies here.  If you are anything like me when you are going through trials and tribulations nothing erks you more than people saying "oh you will be fine" or "you will be alright". Yes its very true but in the mist of the situations we go through we don't want to hear such flip responses, and honestly there is not much anyone can say that helps you feel better when you in the deepest trial period. I have just now realized in my life that each trial I have had is just like the birthing process. It starts with just a discomfort. As time goes on the pain intensifies where it seems unbearable but you have to still wait. Then you come to a period when you have to push through even when you think you are just too weary to do one more thing. In the pushing process I find that I have to really focus on what God tells me I am supposed to be doing. I cant be distracted by my own will but have to let Gods will supersede my own. An when it seems like I want to just cut my losses God is still there saying I cant quit and that all I have to do is push. This push time is where most of us do our most whining and complaining. I know I have many times said I am tired of pushing my way through...why is my labour lasting longer than such and suches labour! This hurts too much, cant you give me something extra for the pain.With my most recent trial I have even said I don't want it anymore just forget it...send me a new one,  but when I heard Gods voice reminding me how far I have come and this is no time for quitting I realize that there is no other option but to push harder. Just in case you don't know God is the BEST motivational speaker ever! This is when the amazing thing happens...I start to see a glimpse of what God has for me. The mistake so many of us makes is seeing that glimpse and thinking the work is done, but not only do you see that glimpse so does satan. Its his job to steal, kill and destroy us not just physically but spiritually. If you have ever had a child you know getting that big old baby head out is the hardest part. We have to keep pushing and pushing even harder. How do you push? Pray without ceasing. Study the word. Fellowship with other Christians that will encourage you. An always consult with God before that next step. After the hardest push you will bring forth life...and how awesome that is. Life is your break through, whether it be a spiritual awakening, monetary, relationships, joy....those are just a few things you can give birth to. God wants us to have blessing but He is wise beyond measure. We could never have a better plan than He does. When we go through trials its to make us stronger and better people for Him and to prepare us for those things He has for us. With each trial I have experienced I come out like new. Yes some labour takes longer than others depending on me most times.  Obedience is not always an easy thing especially when you are used to doing things a certain way. When I look back I cant believe I was going throughsome of the things I went through and came out the way I am. After I had each child as soon as I got a moment of quiet I gave them right back to God. Are you in the middle of a birthing process? Don't stop pushing! Keep labouring and when you see that blessing crown push even harder you are bringing forth life! Your life! And one your life is made new give it back to God all over again!

Slow Down So I can See the Scenary

When I was a little bitty girl and my Daddy was a youngin he would go an get my great grandmother an take her to handle her errands from time to time. As usual Daddy was whipping along in the car and I remember Granny's small voice saying, "Slow Down Ken, I cant see the scenary".I still chuckle when I think of her saying that to him and of course he slowed the car to a pace that was more to her liking. Have you ever seemed like you were moving fast going no whe? There was all these things to do but you still seemed to be doing nothing and at the end of the day you were exhausted feeling you accomplished nothing. I truly believe that in those times God is telling us to SLOW DOWN SO WE CAN SEE THE SCENARY. I mentioned before how I would go all the time from sun up to sun down I was running around whether it be for the kids, my mate or the household. I never was sitting still. Im sure I made some very brash decisions  because I had no time to truly think through much of anything. I finally have got to a point where I actually sit back and take a real look at what is going on around me and it is one of the best things I have done. I dont want to do anything without understanding how it will affect me long term. What I have found is that I didnt reach that point in its entirety all at once. I believe the last thing has been my love life that I have actually been forced to slow down and see the scenary. Its amazing how differently things look when we STOP and truly look and listen to what God is saying. Everything in this life is so rushed, we are used to everything moving fast, going fast and happening fast we dont appreciate time and care in a situation. This is what I have come to...If God moved and rushed to my desire the way I wanted what a mess I would be in. By Him forcing me to slow down I noticed those things that needed work that would have torn things apart. I am glad for the care and patience God is taking with my life to shape me and mold me just perfectly. If I got half the things I want in a hurry I would mess them up and I realize that now. I want to say to you appreciate the time God gives youby slowing down, taking a breath so you can CLEARLY see the scenary God has put before you.

 

 

Eviction Notice

I remember when I was 19-20 not sure the exact age but I was staying with my Daddy. An of course I was grown and knew everything I needed to know with my 19-20 years worth of wisdom. :) Which is probably what lead to my Daddy telling me I needed to find me a place and he was giving me two months. I thought he had a lot of nerve to be giving me a timeline but if he wanted me to leave I was leaving. I started to look for a place immediately. I had made up my mind to move as soon as possible. I found a place within a week and moved out in less than a month. I remember Daddy telling Momma he didnt expect me to leave that quick. I had took on the attitude that if he wanted me gone I was out of there. I am even that way now if my lease is up and my landlord gives me a time frame I dont want to pay them another months rent I get out before the time allowed because I want to vacate and start building somewhere else.  I said all of that to say this...I look at my relationships..and wonder why is it when the person shows me with their actions, their words, and behavior that they want me out of their lives I dont exit as quickly. How many of us have held on to relationships past the termination date? I know I have. Here are the reasons why. I,like so many, allow myself to get physically involved and before now didnt realize that once you give your body to someone you have connected yourself to that person. It makes us move at a faster pace than we should and often causes us to ignore obivious signs should make us run for the hills immediately instead we want to marinate in the relationship. I can not think of one relationship that I have had that I didnt have signs early on that it wasnt for me. I have dated people knowing from the beginning it wouldnt work but the desire to have someone there with me would cause me to still step into territory I had no business just to end up still feeling alone. Then I would blame them for the demise of it all, even accusing them of using me. I realized that yes maybe on some level they were using me in one way or another but I was using them too. I was using them for the sex, using them for the warm body laying next to me even if it wasnt all the time. I used them to try to fill an empty void that I couldnt seem to fill. Wow it was amazing when God started to show me the ugly truth about me. He showed me that the loneliness remained, that the emptiness remained, and by sleeping around I was taking on connections and spirits adding to the things I already had going on. When He revealed those things to me I didnt immediately make a 360 but I started to pay closer attention and I still work on not using people to fill where God is supposed to be.I feel so much more whole and peaceful. Yes I still desire to have my mate, but I dont want him to MAKE me happy because I have the joy of God in me. I do want to be held and I get lonely at times but I dont want to sacrifice my peace just for that. Do I fall yes..we all do, but my goal is to make that fewer and fewer and to not use anyone for what God has told me He can and will provide for me. If you are challenged in your relationships or seem to always come to the same end, ask God to show you YOU...all of it.nThis can be scary because when the mirror is up in my face I swear at times I want to scream. Ask Him to show you those things you dont see and need to repair to have true joy an completeness and then put you in a position to recieve the blessings God has in store for you on that next level. An if you are in a relationship just because you are afraid of being alone,and you know the person has given you an eviction notice make an exit and allow God to fill any voids you have.

 

Much More

We all have experiences that shape us into who we are today that consist of a mixture of bad things with good that we survived and overcame. I was twelve years old when I first was molested, raped at sixteen, and my marriage ended with me being raped and held hostage. I know it sounds so tragic to read it all together like that but as you see God got me thru it in one piece by providing me with love and support from my parents, family and friends. He healed me from the abuse!  I have always had people that had no business trying to get with me hitting on me from friends boyfriends, husbands, boys I was dating dads…the list goes on.  I didn’t realize until I was much older that as a result of this not only did they obviously have a sick problem but I had a real problem as well. With all the things that took place I felt that maybe some how some way I was enticing these men and inviting them to treat me this way. Now with my marriage that wasn’t the case, it was more of a combination of being under the influence and sheer anger at me for being ready to move on. The rest were all the same. The problem this created was me feeling that all I had to offer was my body to a man not realizing that was not what God intended for me. Instead my goal became to make sure that I was great at all things sexual because after all that was my hottest commodity right? I was beyond wrong and didnt realize the kind of damage this was going to cause. I also had a real problem with saying no to men especially if they were excited already which put me in situations where I gave in even when I didn’t want to, thinking even if I said no they would become angry and take it anyway so I may as well spare myself the fight. I didn’t realize that each time I did that I gave a little piece of me away. I was injuring my spirit and self esteem. I started having sex at a very early age and I often confused the feeling of sex with love. Of course we know that is not always the case, love doesn’t come thru sex at all but it can definitely confuse the heck out of you when you do it. It wasn’t until I was divorced that I even realized that I felt this way about myself. I started to look at myself differently because I had to rebuild my life from scratch. I was spiritually grounded, smart, and pretty just to name few. Being good in bed was the least of my benefits and I finally started to believe that for real. I haven’t ever went back on that since! That is what made me start to be more demanding of those things I deserved, commanding respect and having respect for myself enough to not tolerate just any old thing. That was one of the most awesome points in my life. I no longer felt I had to give in when I didn’t want to. I was no longer afraid of saying no. I got so great at it I even was able to apply no to other areas in my life I was giving in to.  I felt great about who I was. Don’t use yourself as a tool. Your sexual “tool” doesn’t define you . You are so much more than that and deserve more than to just be pulled out to tighten up a screw and then put back in a box until next time. In the Bible it speaks of how we should treat our temples (bodies) and that is where the spirit of God dwells within us. The last thing we want to do is junk it up with a bunch of mess dumped off. I have told so many women I have talked to that even the way women are designed we are receivers and to be careful what you allow to plug into your body and spirit because before you know it you will have an all out warfare going! I know all too well what it like trying to get rid of extra because I allowed someone to plug in. Now not only do you have your stuff to deal with someone has dumped more off on you. That is not why we were made at all. I know society presents women so often as nothing more than pleasure stops but we are so much more than that! Learn to love yourself past your physical because one day that will all fade an all that will be left is your spirit, make sure that is in good shape and not all junked up with bad choices from your past….

Thugged Out

Anyone that knows me knows that I used to love me a thug! Shoot until the last year and a half I was in love with me some Lil Wayne. I know...but I was. As I grew up I realized that was not a reasonable fit for me and the things I desired. Now dont get me wrong now Im not saying they were all bad to me. Aside from the typical issues they were very sweet to me. Sad to say sweeter than the L7 type was or even is now, but their lifestyle and way of doing things didnt match the life I wanted to live. We would have these discussions where I would try to guilt them about the things they did and since their mentality was different from mine and our way of seeing things were totally opposite that would never work and would just lead to an ongoing battle. I remember going to court a couple of times with them for various things. This specific time I remember the judge asking my name and a list of questions. I had never been in trouble other than a ticket for speeding, went to church every Sunday and was a daycare teacher at the time. He had this look of "what the hell?" He knew like anyone else looking in that we were obviously unevenly yoked. In order to realize that I would have had to first be spiritually where I needed to be, which I was not. Then I would have to know that just because I loved someone that doesnt mean that is who God purposed for me.Which leads to...I would have to consult with God before choosing these men. Which again I was not doing. So after seven years marriage and drama guess what I did after my divorce? I got me ANOTHER thug! lol Whats worse is I had a good guy trying to be with me. I never had time for him because I was with my thug love. That went on for a year and it ended of course. Only this time I knew from the beginning it wouldnt work so I wasnt in love. I just was more used to that kind of man. I made up my mind that I wanted to date a man who matched my lifestyle more and had the same ideals as me, and that I could take around family or to a company function. Not to mention now I had two little ones and didnt need all the extra going on with them there. Funny thing was I only was attracting those same kind of men. I became very frustrated and talked to my mom about it. She told me that I attract who I am, and that I have got to make some changes in order to get a different result. This confused me because I didnt consider myself rogguish, I didnt even smoke weed! What was she talking about? Again I was soul searching because I really wanted to do better. Anyone that knows my mom knows she has a sense of humor so she says, "Girl try for you a reformed thug! That way they are not in that life anymore but they can get ignant when needed!" She was joking, kinda but that was a good idea. I had to change how I carried myself, and the vibes I gave off an to who I gave them. That meant I had to change my mentality and the only way to do that was to pray that God show me those things that needed to change in me and listen. Now dont get me wrong Im still a work in progress if you remember at the beginning of this post I admitted to loving me some Lil Wayne not so long ago, but in real life I dont attract thug men. They dont even approach me anymore, and yes there are grown tail men my age still trying to be a thug. Its a mentality remember? So with that being said, if you are stuck in a rut of the same person with a different face. I know you have seen this at least once but let me say it again its not them its YOU and what your putting out there in the atmosphere. If every person you get abuses you, then yes you are putting something out there that attracts that kind of person. If you always end up feeling used or taken advantage of then again look at what you put out. If every person you meet is down on their "luck" without a job, car or place to stay then ummmm....you have the hint. Stop, breath, and learn who you really are. Ask God to point out those things you need to change in you. There may be a healing from a past experience that you need in order to make that change. You have to purposely seek out your revelation.

Starting a New

When I first got divorced it was the weirdest feeling in the world for me. Not only did I have to deal with a failed marriage, but also with healing. For years I struggled to not leave just for the simple fact that I wanted to be sure that I didnt give up just because it was too hard and that I had done everything I could as a wife to make it work. When he cheated I didnt truly hold him fully accountable instead I thought that just maybe I should do more to keep him from cheating. Of course that never worked and I found myself stepping outside of my own morals just to try to satisfy his desires in hopes that he would stop. I could say the demise of our marriage was all his fault, but the things I did certainly didnt help it along either. I had love confused in my head as so many do. I felt if I love this man and show him that I will do anything to satisfy him that somehow this would enhance our marriage and change how he treated me. Well of course that wasnt true. Instead, I lost myself in him. I never called on him to truly be a man. He never had to fill out paper work, he didnt have a clue how to pay the bills, or even take care of the business for the house because I did everything in addition to raising the kids, cooking and cleaning. His bath water would be ran when he got home with a meal. I have to chuckle now because he wouldnt even come home half the times towards the end.  I woud even find him jobs and fill out the applications for him. I was like his mom almost except we slept together. When it was all said and done and the papers were signed I had lost myself in him and the truth was I had no one to blame. At the time of my marriage I didnt really understand that I was designed to be covered by my husband. I was all out of my role trying to just satisfy him, not realizing as a man it was his job to protect, and provide not just monetarily but spiritually. I said all of this to say dont ever lose yourself to keep anyone. Know who you are and what you deserve. Anyone that truly loves you will enhance you, and wont allow you to compromise yourself to satisfy them.