Wednesday, January 15, 2014

STAND


From the time I was 12-15 I was molested by my step dad. I had pretty much become numb to the entire situation. I had decided that I would just do my best to make it until I was 18 because in my brain I didn’t want to mess up my mom’s happiness. I’ll never forget going to school on Valentine’s Day 1991 I showed up at school in all black from head to toe. I didn’t even bother combing my hair. I just threw on a black head band and brushed my hair straight back. For some people that wouldn’t be too out of the ordinary but for someone who LOVES Valentine’s Day it was extremely out of my normal behavior. I was in a serious fog that day. I remember just having a blank look on my face while everyone else was happy about candy and balloons and candy grams. I wasn’t fazed a bit.  The night before was the last time my step dad would be able to violate me the way that he had for the last three years, and I didn’t even know it. One of my best friends from the time I was 10 saw me and instantly knew what was wrong…. He knew all about the things that were happening to me and even though he wanted me to tell someone what was going on I had sworn him to secrecy.  He would stay on the phone with me late many nights when I was scared that night would be another night my step dad would come to “visit” me in my sleep. On this particular day he got really frustrated with me not wanting to go tell anyone what happened. I guess he couldn’t deal with seeing me so upset.  We had this exchange back and forth that ended with him saying he would not continue to talk to me if I didn’t tell anyone because he couldn’t take seeing me that way anymore. Well… if you have paid attention to anything I have written before or know me you know that I am super stubborn. I was scared to tell anyone…I didn’t know what would happen…I was embarrassed and ashamed for so many reasons that til this day I haven’t told anyone…and I didn’t think anyone would listen and what would happen once my then step dad knew I told. I had so many fears running through my head…and I resented him for trying to push me into something so hard to do.
I told him that it was fine if he didn’t talk to me again. He looked a bit stunned at first but he regrouped and said ok and walked off. I couldn’t believe he just walked off! The first thing I thought was that he didn’t care about me or he wouldn’t pressure me to tell anyone….and he should just respect my choice because it’s me in the situation not him. The NERVE! What I didn’t realize was how much I relied on his friendship to keep me sane through all I was going through.  We had known each other since we were 10 and even though we were just 15 at the time 5 years is a long time for kids to be friends. The entire day when I saw him we just looked and didn’t speak at all. I remember my other classmates asking what was wrong with us because they knew it was weird for he and I not to talk and play with each other through the day. I acted like it didn’t bother me that we weren’t talking, but I felt horrible the entire day. One day felt like forever….I barely slept that night but I made up my mind I would give in. I went straight and told him the next day that I would tell but he had to be with me because I was scared. He gave me a hug that instantly made me feel like it was all going to be ok. We went to a teacher first and she reported it to the office and sent me to the counselor right away. He stayed with me the entire time…even when they tried to send him back to class he stayed until I said it was ok for him to leave…which was when my mom got there. To this day we are the best of friends and he has no clue that 15 year old boy refusing to agree to keep silent saved my life and I will love him forever for that. I’m so thankful God had him there strong for me when I couldn’t be strong for myself. I learned early that sometimes we have to be strong for each other, and sometimes that means saying no to someone and taking a stand that is not comfortable for us. We often think saying yes or going along shows our love for someone but that is not the case and it’s not always what is best for them. God says no to us all the time an in the end it’s for our good. This time was for my good.  Next time you know you should say no to someone for their own good whether it be someone that is an addict,  or even someone In the situation I was in where there is abuse..don’t think of it as not loving them or doing them wrong…you may be saving their life.

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