MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Imperfectly Perfect "The Abernathy's"

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Imperfectly Perfect "The Abernathy's": Well I am 6 months in to being a Mrs. This time last year I was smack dab in the middle of planning our wedding. I am not afraid to say that...

Imperfectly Perfect "The Abernathy's"

Well I am 6 months in to being a Mrs. This time last year I was smack dab in the middle of planning our wedding. I am not afraid to say that is a task I would never want to do again so it is a good thing this is until death do us part. The last six months has been very interesting to say the least. I think it is important to write this because I think it is so important for people that see us to know that each day is a new adventure and we too face challenges. We just make choices everyday that our marriage is worth it. One of our challenges has been me being a tad selfish. I have spent years learning how to care about myself as a priority and to not feel guilty for doing that.Prior to that I did a lot of catering to anyone I was close to, add in being a single mommy and that basically left me drained of mental energy for myself. It wasn't until my son graduated and went to college did I kick more into a SELFish mode. I bought a 6 speed sport car that basically only seats me comfortably and maybe one passenger, I moved into my apartment with only my teenage daughter and me in mind without any thought of ever having to share space outside of us two. Annnnd I finally was sleeping smack in the middle of my bed comfortably.I cooked when I wanted, made up my bed or not when I wanted, and came and went as I pleased. I was ok with me finally. As SOON as I got SELF love down pat then"here come Mistah" making me share and consider him too. For him, this is a concept he has easily mastered. He is very thoughtful in his actions most times but at times gives me the side eye because I am not so much as thoughtful as he is at times. I will cook and share most things I have with him but for example when Andre gets in bed he pulls all the covers back so we can easily both get in, but when I get in bed I pull down my side only leaving his side fully made up w decorative pillows and all. It took him 5 months to finally one day point it out and express how selfish that was. I thought he was just being overly sensitive but after days of him pointing it out and ranting " started to remember more to pull his side back too. More so he would stop fussing, but also because I could see his point after days of him exasperatedly saying "Baby LOOK you You did it again!! This is ridiculous!" It was just an unconscious action, but one I obviously need to work on so I try to remember. This is a minor difference but one of many we have had to work through. Another adjustment is our personalities that mesh well most times but just like the saying says the same thing that makes you smile will make you cry, in our relationship its more like the same thing we love is the very same thing that works our nerves about each other. For people that dont know I am a very strong personality. My life experiences had to do one of two things make me strong or break me and God saw me through to be strong. Most times my strength is admired by Andre. He loves how strong I am, and realizes my strength doesn't make him weak. But there are days he has to pull rank on me by usually saying "Hey you're off the clock, so you can stop SUPERVISING now". I try to not be bossy but it is second nature for me. In most cases Andre ignores it unless its something he cares about, then he says no. I usually pout a bit but I get over it. Andre is such a sweetheart to me and gives me compliments and lots of affection. I always would feel bad that no one ever wondered if I was ok, or if I took time to eat or checked on me period. Andre does that and I make him nuts with that too. lol I am not used to "checking in" so I forget to say I made it usually until I have been wherever for about an hour. Another thing that often causes us to side eye each other is we have different ways of looking at almost every important scenario. Part of it is how we were raised an part of it is things we have experienced in our pasts so we have a bag full of emotional luggage that we are slowly unpacking the more time that passes. Lastly, I have 2 kids from a previous marriage but there is also the man who raised them that they acknowledge as their dad that I was in a very complicated relationship with for over a decade. Then he has 2 kids from a previous marriage and a previous relationship. Reading those last two sentences should give you a good idea of the challenges there. Oh and believe there are challenges! Then add we are over 40 and both set in our ways! People see us in pictures and think oooh they are cute, and WE ARE SO FREAKIN CUTE! I agree! And our happiness and love are real.I don't want to be like a lot of couples that display perfection, meanwhile they are acting a fool in REAL LIFE. I like people to know the real of any relationship is great Godly foundation and 100% from both people. Everyday we face different challenges. Andre works alllll my nerves some days and I turn around and work alllll of his nerves the other days but we are blessed with wisdom from previous relationships gone wrong, real love for each other, a true friendship, great counselors that have our best interest in mind and most of all our spirituality to help us get through each situation. Although we are far from perfect we are imperfectly perfect for each other and I wouldn't have it any other way. Thank you Andre for putting up with me, AND You're Welcome!

WHOA! I Kept Going

It's no secret that I have had a very busy year. I don't do a lot of sharing of my personal life other than the pictures of my family, my husband and an occasional shout out to a love one or a flirty note to my honey. But it has been really busy especially the last 90 days or so. The obvious is I got married. Andre and I have a combination of 4 kids total 25, 20, 15 and 8.Three boys and one 15 year old girl. That dynamic alone is interesting to say the least. Andre has had to get used to how teenage girls behave and getting along with my kids dad. I have had to get used to a little person in the house and,although we have never met, being civilized with his youngest child's mom.We are getting used to sharing space with each other and disagreeing in a way that is productive for us when it is all calm again. That has basically been my life until about a month ago. Things escalated a bit in our household to where we had to be more aggressive about some things and we had to spend unnecessary money which anyone that knows me knows I hate spending money but I did some fussing and kept going as usual. Then my parents called me about one of my little cousins that had been very sick battling diabetes and it was not looking like she was going to make it. I kept going. On top of all of that this was the year for the Semi Annual Womens All Night Prayer Retreat and I had not put everything all together for it or even felt confident in the material. I kept going. So on Thanksgiving weekend we were told that my cousin was non responsive and they made the decision to remove her very young 33 year old self from life support and let her go in a peaceful way. The day of myself and as many family and friends that could handle it stayed in the room with her until she went. I have NEVER done that before but I just didn't feel right leaving the room. I kept going. The following week on Friday I lead the All Night Prayer Retreat from 10p-4a went home took a nap and went to my cousins funeral at 11 that I also had to sing at. I kept going. The next week Andre and I got some resolve and actually a win in our situation but I ended up blowing up about the way things were handled or agreed to. I kept going. For about a week I started to feel a bit out of it,my heart was racing and my blood pressure was higher than normal.I hadn't been sleeping near enough because there was so much going on, on top of my husband working nights I was restless. Finally, on a Thursday I called my Dad after Andre left for work and told him how I was feeling. After we went back and forth about my symptoms he told me to go to the ER. Long story short I got to the ER and my bp was 180/101. WHOA!!! That night I stayed at the hospital for some hours with my mom, daughter and friend until my bp went down. This is when it hit me how much I had dealt with and suppressed over the last couple of weeks and how much better I needed to do in taking a break,and dealing with whatever was happening. Then I needed to rest from dealing with it. Anyone that knows me would describe me as a strong person. I wouldn't disagree with that too much,but I would disagree with the fact that people don't believe strong people need a break or time to regroup. Not only do others not realize it, neither do the strong people aka me. But seeing my blood pressure that high and thinking I would have to take medicine, or even worse have a stroke, really reminded me of the fact that I do need breaks and have to force in relaxation, and exercise more. Great thing is no meds, and Andre and I exercising together on top of me cutting my salt intake down has lowered my blood pressure to a normal number. God reminded me that I am not invincible and my peace mentally and spiritually directly effects me physically. I can't just keep going and stuff things away. And I definitely can not go without God's guidance and peace. I am not sure who needs to read this to know even the strongest people struggle with emotions and frustrations. I say to you an myself TAKE TIME FOR YOU to rest, heal, and pray. That is the only way to KEEP GOING.

Fearless Power

My family went on our summer vacation a few weeks back to Biloxi. This was the first trip with my fiance' and my niece so it was very exciting. I came back joking about how I almost drowned in the Ocean after getting thrown off of a jet ski. Recently, I have been mulling over the verse "God has not given us the spirit of fear, but He has given us power!"I tied that verse this week in to my experience out there in the water. Anyone that knows me knows that I am scared of large bodies of water and heights but in the last two years my family has managed to get me to fly in an airplane and most recently adventure out on a jet ski in water that I could not touch the bottom with my feet. Now initially I was not going to go. My fiance had even expressed his concern with me going. But I was in a "live a little" mood so I said ok I will give it a try. I talked myself through it because my son is a deep water certified life guard and I can swim. I knew he would take it easy with me because he knew I was scared and if I was going to trust anyone it was going to be him to rescue me. So I watch my sister and daughter ride a bit, and initially my son and nephew on the water. They were all doing ok. So now it was my turn. I get on and Caleb(my son) tells me to lock my hands around his waist. We are flowing through pretty easy. I am nervous but calm. We made our first lap and it was all ok. We made round two casually chatting and when we went to turn we got thrown off of the jet ski. I went under water and felt nothing. I had enough sense to swim up but once I got my head above water I was terrified of all of the things that could go wrong. My son was reaching for me telling me to trust him and grab his hand. I wouldn't do that because I was terrified he couldn't pull me and all I kept thinking was he is just a kid. Then he started to try to coach me and remind me that I can swim and I started crying because I didn't trust my swimming either. I tried to pull up onto the jet ski and it kept dipping into the water so I was afraid it would flip over. At this point Caleb is really frustrated that I didn't trust him enough to at least reach out to him. I froze holding on to the back of the jet ski screaming DON'T LET ME DIE!!! Finally, one of the workers in the ski place came and asked did we need help, and I said yes. Caleb began to tell him that he can help me I am just panicking. Eventually, they got me back on and I made a b-line for the shore! Today I was reflecting on that day and how I let fear take my power away. I could swim...I had a trained life guard there...and I had on a life jacket, but I was so afraid I didn't use any of the tools I had. WOW!!! Isn't that how the devil tricks us with fear??? We have the power of the Holy Spirit and a direct line to God through Jesus and we will let our own fears make us NOT utilize our power! Caleb is a good example of Jesus reaching out to us saying take my hand I have the skills and tools you need but instead of taking His hand we stay in that deep water stagnant and frozen in our situation. The part I left out was when they guy came to help he could stand in the water. So even though it was deeper than my height I have swam in water way deeper before with no problem but by this time I was frantic with what? FEAR! How many times has God brought us through something and then the very next thing that happens we panic and forget that if He could deliver us out of far worse situations then He definitely can handle the simplest of them. What the devil does though is whisper that fear in and convinces you that all things are hopeless and you are powerless. He is an eloquent liar and unfortunately we often fall for it. After it was all said and done my son just shook his head at me and I had to even laugh at myself because I had behaved badly but I learned a great lesson of why that verse is so important and more than just a cliche we use. The power that God gives us exceeds any issue or problem we may have if we use it. Don't forget about your power and most definitely don't forget to use them even when you may be afraid.

A Fancy or a Feeling?

Anyone who knows me knows that one of my favorite movies to watch over and over is Sense and Sensibility. I even referenced it before in one of my blogs. The movie is a story of 4 women who lost the head of the family and during these times he could only leave his inheritance to his son. At the beginning of the movie he begs the son to take care of his sisters and their mother(which wasn't his mom) while he is on his death bed. Long story short the son didn't do what he promised and they were left on their own. The movie describes their struggles of living without near as much income, and finding love. The younger sister was a lot more passionate in regards to expressing her feelings compared to her older more reserved sister. She was questioning her sisters feelings for the man she desired and in her rant she asked her "Is love a fancy or a feeling!?" I love that sentence in the movie. I took it as can you take or leave him whenever, or do you truly desire this person to be in your life beyond on a whim. The last time I wrote I was in a weird place in my love life. I had been dating someone from my past and was really unsure where it was going to lead. Thinking back on it I was super guarded because I was honestly worn out from the whole dating scene. I had been dating someone that would do anything for me EXCEPT commit for 13 years! I tried dating other people but failed miserably at it. In 2017, I decided I was perfectly happy with myself! I loved sleeping smack dead in the middle of my king size bed. I didn't have to give account to anyone when I wanted to hang out or go somewhere. I was a happy bachelorette. It took me up until that point to get there, but I was happy with who I was and decided I was not willing to settle just to have a body laying next to me. Right when I make up my mind to be happy here comes this man from my past wanting to date me and really be with me. I didn't believe him so I really was dismissive and not the easiest to deal with. I thought he was one of those guys that see you are a good woman and even though they aren't ready they know they SHOULD be with you. We were nine months in before I truly started to take him seriously. NINE MONTHS! I guess he figured he needed a lot of help with me because in the mist of that he re-dedicated his life to Christ, got baptized again and STILL found time to complete my list of things he needed to do to be with me. Then one day it was like God himself whispered my prayer in my ear and showed me this man was my prayer answered. At first I thought maybe I was regretting that prayer and needed a re-do. The more I pondered it, the more God reminded me of that prayer. I realized that I was rejecting the possibility because I had got conditioned to what I had been dealing with for years.I wasn't used to someone openly showing me affection.The lack of those things was the very reason I prayed for those specific things in my prayer for my mate.I missed them. Things like random I love yous, kisses, compliments, wanting to spend time with me and talk to me, and TRANSPARENCY!!! I will admit God had to really work with me. He remained persistent and finally one day said, "Sharhonda I am not going to stop pursuing you until you tell me that there is no chance you want me." I was and have to admit still a bit afraid to trust someone else and I was REALLY happy in my singleness finally in a way I never thought was possible. I also realize relationships are a lot of work. IT is so much more than a "fancy"! So much communication, and compromise goes into it. It's deeper than lust could ever be. I kept telling him "I JUST DON'T WANT TO DO ANY WORK!" I was totally in a selfish mode and being with someone is a selfless act. I had to make up my mind although I was happy with me did I want to grow old alone? Did I want to reject a possibility because of my past experiences? Plus, this is a good guy do I REALLY want to reject that? And lastly... Did I love him enough to make a real go of being in a relationship? I realized I really love this man. I am not sure how that happened in the mist of me fighting tooth and nail along the way.(again poor man!) I mean I gave him the blues! I don't know if it was his tender way of dealing with me, his respect for me no matter what, his persistence or how safe and covered I felt with him but I truly loved him. I think it was his renewed spirit that drew me in, because no way would have the patience he has with me without that. We started dating again in April and began officially dating December 2017 and were engaged by March 2018 AND getting married in September 2018. I am about to be a MRS!!! I am shocked myself and to link up with my first love I ever had again in my 40's is totally a surprise. There God goes again answering my prayers in a totally unexpected way.God is something else! So what I have learned is when I pray and get the answer to that prayer accept it! God said yes and my crazy self said no for 9 months! That is long enough to bring forth life yawl! God brought forth a new life for me without me even realizing that was what was going on! I guess that is why I am admittedly an IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN.

Every Dog Has His Day

My grandmother always had these phrases for situations and at the time it sounded like normal Gan-Gan babble. But now I can recall most of her phrases and they make perfectly good sense. This weeks phrase that matches my life is "Every dog has his day"! Have you ever been in a situation where it looked familiar but in reverse? Meaning the players are different and now you are on the other side of the situation. About six months ago I prayed for God to send me all the things that I was missing in a relationship someone who adored me, wanted lots of kisses and affection and lastly was not scared to commit. Now if you are reading this you are probably seeing the flaws in my prayer...but at the time I thought my list was pretty concrete at the time. Well God sent me EXACTLY what I asked for...nothing more nothing less...EXACTLY the list I stated. I realized that what I needed was way more than I thought. I am so used to getting the other things such as stability, reliability, like mindsets and secure with the person I was with all the years that when all of that was gone and all I was left with was what I prayed for it about drove me nuts!!!! I now know exactly what the 80/20 decision is like. I still gave it a try though because after all this is what I asked for right? So about four months in I began to ask God, "Ok, besides the fact that I obviously need to be careful what I ask for what is my lesson in all of this???" I started to see myself in this guy...he was me except a guy version of course. I said he was me because I noticed some of his most annoying behaviors were the very same things that I realized I did myself in past relationships. At the time I just thought the guy was being mean when I called him 5 or 6 times in a day, being jealous when he didnt seem to give enough detail, not ever seemed to be getting enough time even when we had just saw each other. All of those things were happening to me now. Add insecurity to that and it was the whole kit and kaboodle. I could clearly see the error of my ways now. I had them explained to me but never absorbed it until the shoe was on the other foot and here I was trying to explain how annoying these things were to the person who was now doing them to me. That was lesson one, me basically seeing myself! I thought that was it but I still was trying to hang in there because I did like the attention but now my test came. Do I keep holding on to someone for my own selfish reasons like I had been done in the past. I always had men that knew they couldn't be faithful but wanted me for the things I did that made them feel good about themselves. So now do I be that same butt hole? I thought about it for a couple of weeks making sure this wasn't more than a lesson for me and that I may be thinking of getting rid of a potential mate. I prayed on it and pondered and God confirmed that it was just not meant and I wasn't going to try and force it. I definitely knew better than that! I told him and it seemed to go pretty well aside from him not totally getting my explanation mostly because he doesn't see things my way. I know it was the right choice though. Now back to what GAN-GAN used to say...EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY...yes indeed. But when it is your turn those decisions you make determine who you are as a person...I pray that I passed this test and lesson because I don't want to see it again in reverse.

From Desperation to Hesitation

Every since I was a teenager I always had a quick turnaround time on boyfriends. I never went more than a month or so without getting a new boyfriend. If too much time passed without me having a boyfriend I truly thought something must me be wrong with me. This lead to a lot of frog kissing and just all out bad decision making in regards to my dating life. That and my love for a bad boy together and you have sheer chaos in my life. Yes there were lots of lessons learned but if I would have just taken some time to at least consult God and been still for a bit I would have saved myself a lot of grief! Nonetheless, I have learned a lot and grown as a result of it all. Lately, I have been thinking about how un-bothered I have become about rushing into much of anything. Don't get me wrong I want a husband but I am no longer desperate for that. I didn't used to think of myself as a desperate person but isn't a side effect of desperation doing things that are unreasonable, accepting certain behaviors and overlooking good common sense all because you don't want to be without being alone? What I have found is being lonely with someone next to you is way worse than being alone. I have been really tickled with myself this year because I have gotten to a place I NEVER thought I would get. I AM PERFECTLY CONTENT BEING BY MY SELF!!! Don't get me wrong of course I want to get married. But the difference now is I don't desperately want it. That is a beautiful thing in my life right now because I was almost obsessed with getting a husband that I was making myself nuts. People laugh when I talk about how I finally stopped sleeping on one side of the bed and crash right in the middle with all the pillows just for me. I have one child at home full time and she is 14 and my son is 19 and in college and have only saw one man stay over and that is their Dad. I have to admit they are a big reason I have been at peace not jumping from relationship to relationship but God and growth got me to contentment.It is a feeling that I never imagined having as a 41 year old single woman. Single meaning I am not married. To me you are single until then. I listen to a lot of people(not just women) who are scared to death of growing old alone and as a result they make the craziest mate selections KNOWING that it won't work all for the sake of not being "alone". I have been there so many times so I truly get it.But now I value peace in a way like no other, I am so spoiled to reliability and sense-able actions I don't have a desire for anything that may jeopardize that. Look at GOD! It is amazing how God will work a miracle in me just by doing the opposite of what I think I need. He continuously confirms that I do NOT know diddly about what is best for me, and then I turn around and thank Him for not paying my foolish wishes any mind. Thank you Lord for taking me from Desperation to Hesitation.