MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Blindfolded Kicking and Screaming

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Blindfolded Kicking and Screaming: It seems I write some of my best writings when I am not in the best of moods. Well today should be a GREAT writing because although I am fee...

Blindfolded Kicking and Screaming

It seems I write some of my best writings when I am not in the best of moods. Well today should be a GREAT writing because although I am feeling much better than I was when I first woke up this morning I am still out of sorts as far as my “happy meter” goes. Friday we had our annual ALL Night Women Prayer Retreat and we had an activity where one person leads the other person around with a blind fold over their eyes and each time around they went faster and faster where the person blind folded had to trust the person leading them more and more. The activity was meant to show how relinquishing control to God can be very hard at first because we are not completely trusting of how things will turn out, and we still want to go our own way that we are comfortable with. One of the key points I drove home and we talked about was we have to RELINQUISH CONTROL  so that God can take the lead, and that He knows better than we do what we need and how we need it. Well low and behold I get a test this week in all of those things and now here it is Wednesday and I am just beside myself.  I was driving into work this morning exhausted, and disgusted with a few situations in my life that touch the top three things that can annoy the mess out of me: my family, the man I love, and finance in that EXACT order. It just seems like so much going on in my brain and when I think I am getting my bearings together in one area something else is working my nerves. The thing that is even more annoying none of the situations are anything I really have control over and anyone that knows me knows I may be a procrastinator in most cases but I don’t like my life to seem out of control! The last few days have been exhausting for me and today I am just not happy AT ALL. I was driving in to work with tired eyes and just an irritated, disgusted spirit. I usually turn from the gospel station after Sunday, I know it’s a shame, but this week I just haven’t been able to because I need every bit of the Holy Spirit I can get to keep from going postal on anyone. So this morning I was thinking of how unhappy I am right now and how it seems that God is just having a great laugh at my expense and not hearing me at all in my prayers. Then I questioned am I unhappy that I am having these situations or unhappy that I have to wait on God to fix them? It is definitely the latter of the two. Granted the situations are definitely not ones I would ask for and don’t get me wrong I still think that God is paying me back for all of the “fun” I had as a youth, but  in reality I know God is not out to get me. I venture to say everyone has had moments like this where you just want to pull the covers over your head and put red paint on your door as you hope what seems like THE WRATH passes over you and your household! That is definitely how I have felt today.  I am realizing this is one of those very times I just talked about at the Women’s Prayer Retreat where I need to RELINQUISH CONTROL and it is a test that I can admit I have NOT been passing so far. I have done the exact opposite of what we talked about…I have been kicking and screaming to get my way in my time frame. Then I stopped doing that and tried to figure out a plan for myself.  Last night I just decided to cry until I passed out sleep and then woke up angry this morning. Kind of sounds like a toddler throwing a fit until they realize they absolute are not going to just get their way. I realized that no matter how I kick and scream and cry God has already worked the plan out and believe it or not it is what is best for me. And although it doesn't seem like it now I will thank him for it later. Thank you God for yet again showing me a mirror of ME!

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Seasonal Changes

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Seasonal Changes: Ten years ago there is no way you would have been able to tell me that my then best friends would be people I barely talk to or not even sp...

Seasonal Changes

Ten years ago there is no way you would have been able to tell me that my then best friends would be people I barely talk to or not even speak to in passing, that I would be at the job I am at and not working in the criminal justice field that I majored in, and that I would STILL not be married. My 30 year old self had NO CLUE that God had a totally different direction for me to head than the one I had planned for myself. Isn’t life funny that way? What is odd about those changes is that I am SO glad that God knew better than I did when it came to plans for my life or I never would have grown as much as I have. I have to confess some of the plans I had seemed pretty good to me, and for that reason alone I fought against God’s way. Now I see on the back end….no way would I want to be in the criminal justice system as a daily profession, the old “good” friends I had were truly for a season of time and if things didn’t happen the way they did I would never have moved on, and being married….well I wasn’t ready for that either and we would be divorced by now if we would have married then because we both had a lot of growing and healing to do. I also see because I wanted to be within my own will it took me a bit longer than it had to just for me to get to where I am now mentally and spiritually.  The thing about these hindsight revelations is I had no clue until after I got over the kicking and screaming my way through the disappointment of things not going my way. That is when God showed me how those things not going as I planned helped me to become a better person in this season in my life. Can you imagine what would happen if the earth didn’t go through seasons and if we never had spring how the flowers wouldn’t have the opportunity to be pollinated? I personally love spring time and if I had it my way the weather would always be that way but that is not Gods design of things. Summer, Fall and Winter all have their purposes as well. It is the same with our lives. Each phase has it’s own purpose and ultimately takes us to a new level/ season in our lives that we could never get through without it.  When you look at the rough spots, or unplanned situations in your life do you see them as God not letting you have your way, or do you see it as God making a better way? I know it is hard to not get angry with the changes God has for your life especially when it looks nothing like your plan you had, but just remember it is only for a season that you will feel that way.  Once that season changes it will be spring all over again and God will pollinate you into something even more beautiful than you were before. Ecclesiastes 3:1 To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Today

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Today: Today I woke up once again frustrated with myself....my stomachs too big, my hair wont act right and I'm STILL single TODAY! Well I hav...

Today

Today I woke up once again frustrated with myself....my stomachs too big, my hair wont act right and I'm STILL single TODAY! Well I have to put on my big girl draws, fluff my hair, find what I think fits me for my mood TODAY. Today I still choose to smile and attempt to be positive even when there are so many things I could be negative about... but what good would that do me TODAY??? Will being negative make my day any better...will it make my body shrink to the first size I thought I was fat...or will it send me my prince charming that will sweep me off of my feet...will it even soothe my heat...will it do that TODAY. TODAY is what I didn't know was promised on yesterday because tomorrow is not a guarantee...but now that tomorrow is now TODAY I have to make the best of it and not harp on what is not but on what is....TODAY No I may not be a size 10-12, or have hair to the middle of my back or even have a man that can appreciate the beautiful woman I am but I still have TODAY...I have TODAY to remember that God created every curve and bump I have and gave me the power to of self control....TODAY I know that every hair on my head is structured and curled just like it should and that it's uniqueness contributes to my beauty..TODAY I know that even though I have no clue where the man God has for me is...somewhere God is shaping him for me. SO I smile and remain positive...confident...and trusting that GOD not only had me yesterday and tomorrow....but He has me TODAY....

This is the beginning of the 1st chapter of my book...It was the 4th of July, 1987 and I was 12 years old. The summer was at its peak of heat and I was excited for my 7th grade year to begin. My mom and aunt had bought loads of food to eat, and enough fireworks for my little cousin's to torture me with all day. Unless it was a sparkle I wasn't having any part in the fireworks, but I was definitely there for the food. One of my friends mom had to work so he spent the day with us too. I had known him since I was in the 1st grade and we called ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend and ever so often we would give each other a peck on the lips to confirm it. This was the first holiday in a while that my mom actually seemed happy since her and my dad divorced. She had a new boyfriend and that seemed to really lift her spirits and outlook on things. He was a pretty cool guy I supposed because he would always talk to me about grown up things and didn't treat me like a little baby like my family did. He let me watch rated R Movies and never made me go to bed early or any of that like most adults. My aunt was always fun to be around with her colorful language and crazy sense of humor she brought life to any situation. We packed up all of the food and headed to the park to grill and have space for us kids to run wild as much as we wanted in between eating. I spent most of the day trying to shake my little cousin's so I could sneak a kiss which didn't work at all. Nonetheless we had  great time. Once it started getting dark we moved the food to our house where we played music, watched tv and the adults played cards until it was time for my friend to go home. It had to be about 10 when my moms boyfriend took him to his house. I was still up and my mom told me to go to bed. I went to my room where my cousin's were overlapping each other snoring in my bed and started talking on the phone to my friend. He called as soon as he got home as if we hadn't been together all day long. He told me that he and my mom boyfriend had a strange conversation on the way home and he asked him had we had sex before. Sex? I told him it was cool that he always talked about those kinds of things. He still thought it was strange because we thought a simple peck was major for our age but sex definitely was not on our slate. We talked until about 12 and his mom made him get off the phone. I laid down for a while and remembered all the food we had left in the refrigerator and got up for the kitchen. The house was completely quiet and I was guessing everyone had went to bed. I began rummaging through leftovers when I turned around startled to see my mom's boyfriend standing there. He chuckled because he must have seen that he definitely caught me off guard and told me he heard me get up and decided to come talk to me. I didn't think much of it and he started to ask me questions about me and my friend and if we were thinking of having sex. I responded with I'm sure a puzzled look when I told him no. He began to tell me how nothing is wrong with having sex and it's a natural thing to do. The conversation and his tone started to get weird to me but I wasn't sure how to dismiss myself from it so I told him I was going to get me some clothes to change into and go to bed. I  walked into the washroom and he followed me and came behind me and started kissing my neck. I froze because I was shocked. When I turned around and started to say again that I needed to go to bed he began to shush me and grabbed me and started to stick his tongue in my mouth so deeply and all I could taste was cigarettes and his spit. I was thinking of all the things I should do...scream or something but all I could seem to do is stand there as he began to tell me how he has wanted me for so long and how he was jealous that I had my friend over all day. After some time he told me to go to my room quietly. I started to think I had to be dreaming a horrible dream but I realized it was indeed a reality when he shortly came in after me. He told me to be very quiet and that it would hurt my mom too much if she found out he wanted me the way he does and it would ruin her. I didn't want her to be mad at me and I kept thinking how if I would have went to bed this never would have happened. He started pulling my panties off and pushing his fingers inside of me. I started to get loud because of the pain when he told me I need to relax because he has something much bigger than his finger so he was trying to open me up some. Once he realized that there was no way he could go all the way without anyone hearing he stopped. I laid there silently as he told me I couldn't tell anyone what happened or it would cause a lot of trouble for my mom and me and my little brother would be sent away. After he left my room that night...I stayed up the rest of the night wondering whether I should tell what happened...was what happened my fault because I got out of bed...he hadn't beat me so was it really rape? It was the first hardest decision I ever had to make and I was only 12 years old.