Promise Keeper

Not long after I started to write this blog I mentioned a promise I made to God to do six months of celibacy.  It is a promise I made so long ago but it seemed before to be so hard to keep. I had been told to do it by so many people. This time my mind was different though. I was determined that I would keep my promise. I am not sure if it was more because I felt like I was in a circle of insanity that needed to be broken and I was convinced that I was being tortured as a result of me not doing what I said I would do, or if I just knew that it was time to go to a new level and my mind needed to be reset to follow my spirit. Either way I was determined. Now I absolutely know that abstinence is what I should totally be but with me being a person that has always been in over drive in that area I had to start here and in the mist of this six months God showed me so many things that I was blind to, He also showed me how I was using that as a tool for affection and a false sense of security. WHOA! Typing that even gave me chills. My mind is so much clearer now and I also got a chance to get confirmation about some things I was questioning. One of my great worries was that the man I love would freak out or just be doing whatever he wanted to do while I was keeping this promise.  He and I were already at a weird cross road as it was what would this decision that, by the way, I didn’t tell him I had made until maybe a month ago when we were talking,do to us. I had a fear of losing him all together and at the same time I had anger because it wasn’t fair for me to do this while he got off scot free!  Aren’t we funny that way when it comes to God calling us to do something we don’t want to do? Why do I have to do it and they don’t?  That is as bad as my kids fighting over whose piece of cake was bigger or how unfair it is to have to help clean up when the other one made the mess. We all at some point have complained about things not being fair or right. The first thing that came to mind once I stopped whining was that if its easy to do then it wouldn't be a sacrifice, and if it wasn't a situation that only God coudl have control over then how would He show His glory yet again to me? With that my lessons began! I quickly re-learned that I can’t worry about what he should or shouldn’t be doing because this was about what I needed to do. I also had to remind myself that God is in control of all things including the man I love  who is His child first!  It was very hard at first and I had to constantly replay in my head, “You can’t control anyone else’s choices, or actions. God has your best interest at heart in all situations including this one, and there are some things that need to be revealed through this to you.” After about a month of these self talks I began to truly relax and prepare for the lessons my clear mind, and dedicated heart were to receive.  God use this time to show me MYSELF!   It wasn’t  exactly a pretty site to see but it had to be done. The first part He showed me was desperation. Desperation is an ugly trick of the devil. In desperation you fall for things that make no sense, and settle for the unsettling all because you feel your time is running out and anything beats where you are now. I cringed when I saw it on someone else and God was like hey…that was you at some point. UGH! That is not cute and in desperation I have made some crazy choices that ended badly. The next thing He showed me was  lack of confidence. I always considered myself pretty confident but I sometimes struggle with not using sex as my confidence booster. I shared how in the past I felt that was all I had to offer and although I know better now every so often I start to slip into that old pattern I had set if I don’t catch it right off. I was able to show self control though in these situations because I was tempted pretty heavily to jump off the wagon right onto a rock road! Next thing He showed me was that I am not the easiest person  to get along with either. I complain quite a bit that my lovey is very hard at times but this was a simple reminder I'm no cake walk myself.  In my defense  I am the first to tell the cost anyone pays when they date me.  Next I saw the man I loves point of view and although I don’t completely agree with some of his thoughts or how he communicates them I have a better understanding of why he reacts the way he does. I learned more about his communication style verses mine and just because they are different doesnt mean either way is wrong. And we are better friends because of it! (Aint God Good!)Lastly God reminded me that HE HAS ME!!  We as Christians say we know God will take care of us and our needs but we often don’t truly turn things over to Him and HIS will. I could worry myself silly trying to figure out how this relationship will go or I can work on the things that I know need work as far as I go. In the end I know I will have a happy ending. Don't get me wrong I by no means have this perfected AT ALL but I am so glad that I saw these things for myself. Sadly half of my lessons came through friends who were in various situations but while I was sitting there shaking my head at how ridiculous their situations were I shook my head right into a GIRL THAT WAS YOU!!! God shows us the ugly truth when we are focused and ready  to receive it it. Divine revelation is a wonderful thing! Now I have reached my six month promise but I’m in no rush to jump into anything which is another surprise to me! God has kept His promise to show me things I needed to know, growing me and the man I loves friendship, and taking care of those areas I feared but had and still have no control over. At the same time He made me a testimony to someone else that may share the same experiences I have, and since I have been there I can better understand the struggles involved with no judgment. I don’t mind being the lesson when it can help someone else along the way. God is definitely a Promise Keeper and I'm so glad if nothing else I can count on that to be a fact.