Are You Somebody?

Earlier this year me and my mom had the privilege of going to see President Obama inaugurated for a second term. We knew this was history in the making and probably would be a long time before we would witness something as monumental. We wrote our state congressman to get tickets so we could get closer view of things instead of just standing around. It was amazing!!! We were right by the sidewalk so we could see all the famous people walking by and some would stop and take pictures with and for us. Of course there were people of all kinds there. An actor stopped and was taking pictures and this woman yells out “IS HE SOMEBODY???”  The actor that was initially bright and happy instantly turned cold and aloof. It was obvious he was offended by her so rudely yelling that out. I was offended for him so I could imagine how he felt. When she yelled that out I instantly thought what would make him “somebody”? I mean isn’t everyone “somebody”? I may not be famous or rich but I consider myself “somebody”.  If you base who you are on what others think of you or your status in society then you are possibly setting yourself up to be let down. We have all seen those tragic stories of people that were famous and rich but still miserable because they lacked self esteem and worth.  People thought they were living the life while all the while they were suffering in a private hell because they didn’t feel they were anybody special. Do you feel like you are anybody special? So many times we don’t feel special because someone else doesn’t when it’s our job individually to see the good in ourselves. So many people are broken on the inside and seek others to fill the voids that are within. I was that way at some point if I could just have a man I would be happy, if I just could have a good group of people around me I could be happy, if I could be accepted I would be happy. What I realized as I grew which happened a lot after 30 is that I can’t count on anyone else to fulfill me. Anybody else is an enhancement not an all that beats all. If my happiness is based on if someone is there or no, or if someone else behaves a certain way I will be miserable more than not. We all know that people can be flaky at best and if my self esteem was based on that I would never be happy with myself. I also find it unfair to expect any one person to be your happiness. If you can’t be happy with yourself then how in the world can you expect anyone else to? I make it a point to be my biggest cheerleader, first to compliment me, and pat myself on my own back. I don’t expect the man I love to complete me but to enhance my completeness. I know this all sounds like common sense but so many of us don’t get these simple things and wonder why even when we get that man or whatever we are still not happy. Start from within….love you first…and know that you are “somebody” even when nobody but you knows it.

GROWING SPIRIT

GROWING SPIRIT

I was baptized when I was nine years old. I will never forget the excitement I felt that I was saved and going to heaven because I accepted Jesus in my life. When you are a little kid it’s very exciting to tell everyone what you know and how you are saved. Anyone that I have ever known that was raised in church went thru a phase of “IM GROWN NOW AND NO ONE CAN MAKE ME GO!!!” This includes me. When I turned 18 church was a hit or miss for me. I may go if I felt like it or not, which most times was not. I did this for about two years or so. I really got back into it more when my husband and I got married and then got shaky again mid way through. By the time we were going thru our divorce I knew that I needed to grow not just for me but to set a good foundation for the kids as well. I stepped outside of my box and started to attend a different church than I grew up in. This is when I started to flourish in my growth. This is when I started to have the gift of dreaming. Being a spiritual dreamer is one of the most amazing but frustrating things that has happened in my growth. I remember the first years or so I would have dreams about people and get messages that I was supposed to get. At first it would be just dreams and as I continued to grow I would get woke up at night to pray or hear a message for someone else. It made me absolutely nuts initially because there is nothing like getting woke up at an odd hour from a sound sleep for SOMEONE ELSE!!! I would moan and groan and complain about it with God until I realized that did no good and until I did just what I was supposed to do there was no rest for me and if that meant God would wake me up at 3am every night then so be it until I was obedient to what He wanted me to do. This was so difficult for me because the messages I had weren’t always ones someone wanted to hear nor did I want to deliver. Before this growth I didn’t even believe in this sort of thing. Now it’s a regular thing in my spiritual life. I think the most amazing thing is when my grandmother comes to talk to me in my dreams. I even had cousins I was really close to come see me in my dreams too. I don’t really tell a lot of people this stuff that I am saying because let’s face it people that don’t know about this sort of thing for themselves will give me a side eye.  Anyone that is a Christian should know that staying stagnant shouldn’t be an option for you, and if it is then you are cutting yourself off from some awesome experiences that only your growth and Gods power can bestow upon you. If I would have never stepped up and out then the growth that I experience wouldn’t have happened. I wouldn’t have a clearer understanding of who God is and the power that he embeds in each of His children. I am wowed every time God gives me a message for someone else and when I go and tell them they know exactly what I am talking about when I haven’t a clue. The only answer I have for that is that God chose to use me at that moment for that purpose. Now I have had people get mad at me or reject totally what I say…and my reply to that is always ok Lord I did what you said please let me sleep tonight. Lol I have even got to where I see a thing here and there for me but in all honesty my life dreams make me probably more nuts than getting messages for others. Each of us has a spiritual gift from God how big it grows is up to us. Don’t be afraid to be a growing spirit.

Waging War

 I wrote in a previous blog that I made a promise to God to be celibate for six months unforced. I say unforced because I have went six months before but once it was because I was married and my husband was in prison, and any other time was because me and whoever I was with were on the outs. The times I have tried to do this without either of those being the case,  I hadn’t made it completely through, but this time my determination is totally different. When I first started I won’t deny it was torture, and the time before this time I was consumed with thoughts of having sex. It seemed everywhere I looked sex. I would wake up with texts on my phone about sex, I would get random pictures and when I would lay in my bed at night the desire was so strong I had to start forcing myself to go to bed early just to keep from calling him. It was so magnified that I swore I was being tortured. I went online and my feed was filled with sex, my inbox always had a tempting offer, and I felt this overwhelming loneliness that seemed to increase my desire. It was just crazy to me what was going on.  This is what drove me to research being tested and temptations. I found that God does not tempt us to do the wrong things. We have test to take us to the next level and grow. However, the devil’s job is to always attempt to make us fall away from the right things causing us to be at a spiritual depletion. All he needs is that one little foot in to start a downhill spiral of mess in your life. Usually, I will give in an its like I go through this phase of ridiculous over indulging!  I would often think I was off the wagon may as well go all the way! It seems ridiculous but I know I am not the only one that has ever thought that. I decided I could not do that this time…something had to be different so I could get a different result or it turns into pure insanity on my behalf.  I saw that I indeed was being tempted so that I could break my promise yet again, which after it was all said and done would lead me to the same frustration, guilt, and   shame…AND having to start ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!  So.. I not only acknowledged that I was being tempted but also dealing with a stronghold! I like to define a stronghold like my Pastor/Daddy as our “favorite” sin. That thing that you know you need to cut out but you like it so you don’t want to. J I am not afraid to admit that I absolute would rather not go without it for any amount of time. When I realized the devil's plan it’s like a new energy took over! I acknowledged the struggle, saw where it came from and was ready for battle just to find that the battle was in me knowing so I can be prepared and take the precautions needed.  If I know that certain people, and places will take me off of what I have promised God then I got rid of them. I started to disconnect from the groups that seemed to only talk about sex, erased any pictures or videos in my phone, if a text came thru and I knew that person was known for just wanting sex I wouldn’t even open it before I erased it. This is something I had never done before when I tried to do this. Now let me say this before you all get all big eyed judgmental..NO I wasn’t taking everyone up on their offers prior to this time of fasting at all. I generally have one person in my life and a backup plan. I know that sounds horrible but it’s true.  However, when I made that six month pledge it seemed to get hard to even tell the ones I told all the time no, no. BUT when I identified the devil and what was going on its like all the noise in my head stopped.  My body wasn’t so amped up all the time! My thoughts weren’t always on that but more so on my promise to God. I was amazed at how most of the uncontrollable thoughts and urges stopped. I said most because I am still human and blood runs through my veins of course!The great part is I pray and ask God to refocus my thoughts and just like that He does. He is my hiding place mentally as well!  Amazing!  I still have offers of course, who doesn’t? I even had someone tell me the other day that I have said this before and broke it so why not break it with him now? WOW! Thanks for reminding me how determined I am to at least keep this promise this time!!!  I am usually a basket case by now but not even that is going on. I admit I have very little cushion for nonsense but that is my character anyway. I told this very personal  story to say this….We have to be more aware of the war we fight daily against the prince of darkness. The battle we fight is not a joke! It’s not always as simple as we dismiss it to be, but when you know and identify what is going on you are already taking steps to defeat the devil. God never intends for us to be in the dark however we have to WANT to see the light. We are waging a war everyday against satan…but no battle can be won without the proper tools and awareness. Ask God to show you YOU….and be ready and willing to start chiseling away that old you, and walking into the new better you. What better way to break endless cycles than to pick a new path planned out by God.

In Your Own Skin

I have had boyfriends that have certain things that they express as unattractive on a woman…I had one that said he didn’t want a woman with stretch marks…which mind boggled me given I have had stretch marks on my hips since I hit puberty. Then there was the one that preferred really dark skinned women…which I am not. I had a man to express that I need to get a perm because my hair was nappy….Oh lets not forget the one that absolutely didn’t want a big woman an said he was used to women that are size 9’s which again I am NOT nor do I desire to be. My ex husband was  rare because he  didn’t care how big or little I was, he thought I was beautiful when I woke up in the morning so he was either crazy or in love... He had known me since I was 15 so he had seen me at my smallest and biggest and they all looked good to him. I remember how bad I would feel when I would hear the others rattling off these expectations that obviously were the opposite of me. I never felt quite good enough after those conversations. It was like someone had let the air out of a balloon because I felt so flat after that. I would spend the remaining of those relationships wondering if I could live up to what they wanted because I wasn’t it per se. I would make myself nuts trying to make up for short comings I felt I had in their eyes. Somehow along the way between little girl and womanhood I lost some of that being comfortable in my own skin just the way I am…The great thing is I got it back and not only did I get that LOVING feeling back I got my sanity and self worth back as well.  I think back on that and think about how crazy that was because if I was so much not their type then why were they with me in the first place?  Now before I start this let me say this…I am in NO WAY saying to not care about your appearance, or not to exercise and take care of your health, yes put on deodorant and all of that. J  (That’s my disclaimer) What I AM saying is be happy with who you are and confident with it. Everyone is not meant to be a size 6…an we all are made just the way we are which is beautiful.  I can’t count how many times I have heard my friends say and  I even said myself that I must not be good enough because he won’t do this or that….or maybe if I did this or that I would be more acceptable to him. I even tried doing this and that and it didn’t make a bit of difference with how they behaved. I later realized that way of thinking is the very thing that holds us back from expecting and demanding more. I also realized that a lot of times to put someone else down to build yourself up is insecurity within itself.  Our own thoughts of less than worthiness hold us hostage to a point where we allow ourselves to stay in situations we should leave, or put up with being treated a certain way. I have seen people spend years with someone they thought they weren’t good enough for when it was very clear the other party was the one that was the bum.  One of the most insane things to do is to not love yourself to the fullest. You have to live with who and what you are before you can truly expect anyone else to. That is a fact. I purposely started to tell myself daily how gorgeous I am. Not only am I gorgeous but I am specifically designed by God to be just the way I am which is beautiful. Think of it this way if God in all of His perfection loves me just the way I am then how can anyone, including me, dispute that? We all have areas in our life we should work on because we are human, but those things that we can do nothing about we have to learn to embrace and love just as they are.  Confidence is one of the most beautiful things you can wear daily, right along with self worth and esteem.  It’s not always easy changing a way of thinking, but in order to get there you have to start somewhere. When someone compliments you, don’t be afraid to own that compliment instead of saying something negative. If you date someone who makes you feel you aren’t good enough…dump them and move on!  Don’t wait for anyone else to tell you how great and beautiful you are…tell yourself that daily when you look in the mirror. Being confident in who your own skin is something you have to decide for yourself, but I guarantee you once you do it will change your outlook on so many things that you wont believe that you were ever depriving yourself of loving the skin you are in.

BE A LADY

I was one of many women that flocked to Steve Harvey’s book “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man”. I am not much of a reader but I read that book in less than 24 hours. It had lots of information that made sense not because it was so profound or new but because for some reason along the way we forget those very clear reasonable standards we should have for ourselves and those obvious signs that we need to bolt and run. I still recommend that book to so many of my friends in the mist of me giving relationship advice. Here lately I have been really taking a look at what BEING a lady looks like and feels like. I am always curious as well how men react to “ladies”.  I am NEVER afraid to admit that I have not always been very “lady like” and it wasn’t that long ago trust me. This last year or two I have really been paying attention to my patterns and decisions I make in regards to men whether it be the man I love or just someone I am considering dating.  I am definitely a STRONGER woman than I was in the past. I didn’t do very well with the waiting part. I was brought up like most girls to believe that once a boy gets “it” they leave….but when I found that to not necessarily to be true…I didn’t think there was any real significance in waiting. I have had some long relationships…even got married and I didn’t enforce a “wait” rule with any of them. However, hindsight is 20/20 because jumping in to the physical quickly makes my judgment cloudy, and truly has my emotions all over the place. I can also say that I have “thought” I was in love quite a bit just to figure out I have only truly been in love three times total.  I am also not afraid to admit this is partially why I have been in the situation I am currently in for eight years. Not to say he isn’t nuts as well…but... If I would have started with the wisdom I have now I don’t think we would be where we are right now….which is nowhere! We are both confused and frustrated.  Ok so what do I do about this….I step back, stop and start where I have fallen…I look at my relationships. I have told people, many times, that as a person that was raped twice and molested for years I felt that was all I had to offer to a man at some point…it was just since my divorce eight years ago that I realized and started to see myself having way more to offer than that. I am kind hearted, loyal, smart, not to mention a strong Christian woman. Of course I still believe I am sexy and beautiful but I am so much more..I am that stuff that doesn’t fade with time but only gets better!!! SUBSTANCE! The hard part is breaking my old patterns and way of doing things also acting and knowing I have more to offer than my goodies.  So I have made a promise to myself and God that I would start with no sex for six months. Before everyone jumps all over that yes I do realize premarital sex is a sin but cut me some slack here…baby steps.  J When I tell my friends this they think I am nuts because it’s no small task for someone that is used to doing what they want when they want and to be honest with who I want. However, I have absolutely tried the other way of doing things and if nothing else I need to hit the reset button mentally. What does that mean? That means that I need to do more of the opposite of what I have been doing. I have to admit to myself I have no clue what is best for me and need to pay attention to God’s voice in regards to relationships. I have found that moving too fast is an awful disadvantage in relationships. One of my favorite verses in the Bible is in Songs of Solomon where it states, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.”  That little tiny verse to me translates to BE A LADY!!!  Don’t get your emotions tied up in someone before its time and we all know that physical connections bring about deceit through your emotions.  Yes old patterns are hard to break, and the flesh is weak! But I have never felt so much like a lady than I do RIGHT NOW.  I am starting to hear clearer. Yes I still love who I love but it’s beyond the physical part of it all and I am willing to accept however God works that out as well. Don’t cheat yourself by cheapening yourself…stand your ground and don’t break your own rules. Don’t just act like a lady….Be one. 

Judging Discerment

I remember being at work one day and hearing there were new people being hired and sitting there working as they came to introduce the new hires. I remember looking up for a split second when they made it to my desk and seeing a tall, white woman with long hair and a deep country accent. I instantly thought…she didn’t like black people.  I decided at that moment that I wasn’t going to deal with that particular person. Well somehow within months me and that same lady, were and still are the closest of friends and during the time I held that position she and I were practically inseparable. We found that we had similar struggles and opinions. Of course she loved frog giggin where I prefer a pedicure but otherwise we were a lot alike.  Later she told me when she met me she thought I was a real butthole and planned to not talk to me unless she absolutely had to and I told her what I thought about her. When she heard that I thought she was racist she had to laugh because she actually was quite the opposite. Still to this day we are the best of friends. I told this story because I know that I am not the only one that does that.  How do we tell the different between judging someone and discernment?
I truly believe that God gives us discernment so that we do steer clear of certain things and people. However, more times than not we are judging someone by what we see not by what God is telling us. What’s even more bizarre is we are MORE LIKELY to ignore that tiny voice that is warning us. I can’t count how many times I have known better or have known someone was not good for me, not by their looks because most times what’s not good for you or to you looks wonderful, but held on to it or them for dear life. Meanwhile, rejecting what is sensible for nonsense. We are so funny that way. Some of the best people in my life are people initially I had judged to be one way and come to find out they were quite the opposite. That sure explains why God tells us not to judge, looking at me by myself would be a mess for sure and we have no way to look into someone’s heart as God does. The Holy Spirit, however, does warn us when we should not latch on to someone or something. We should work more on judging less and discerning more.

Stop

Stop

 

I was fourteen when I started willingly having sex. I remember my moms husband catching me and my boyfriend right in the middle of the act. I was mortified but I thought given his history he wouldn’t dare tell on me. BUT he did, and I got in so much trouble. It was close to Christmas and I remember my Ma screaming in the phone when he called her at work and my dad all the way in Indiana just furious. Not to mention they both sent any gift I had back!! All I got was a trip to Indiana and a lot of uncomfortable questions and not to mention they talked to his parents as well. The stupid thing was I didn’t care about any of that because I was only worried about whether my boyfriend was going to still be with me because I just really truly thought he was “the one”. I even told my parents that he and I were going to be together forever and get married. Twenty three years later I barely want to even speak to him let alone want to be with him. I think back now over all the relationships I have had and just in the last year or so realized I wasn’t in love near as many times as I thought. I always felt I had to have a boyfriend and I never took breaks. As a matter of fact I used the next to get over the last each time. Did you catch that word USED? It wasn’t until recently did I realize that I not only did I not love these men I used them for my own selfish motives of not being alone. The sad thing is with so many of them they were physically present but I was still alone because they were not emotionally healthy and neither was I. This was a great revelation for me but I had to dig into why I had such habits.  When I started to spend more time alone with me after my divorce I saw that I never gave myself time to really take a breath and get to know myself. I was obviously scared to be alone with myself. That sounds crazy I know but its true for so many people. My alone time with me during this period was an awesome thing God did with and for me. I had time with Him more because I wasn’t trying to please anyone else or distracted. This is when I learned my worth in God’s eyes versus my own eyes. I realized that I had low self esteem and often based my relationships on physical and not much beyond that. Physical is great and all but you sure can’t keep a relationship going with it. Who knew? J  God showed me what true peace felt like and that my body was not a tool to be used to lock in the deal. Yes I said that.  These are just a few things God showed me during this time out.  I had to be worn out to hear and see what God had to say and show me. I didn’t have a boyfriend because I was exhausted from my marriage and I just was not interested in being settled down with anyone. This was a first for me. My divorce was a devastating thing but what God did with me during that time was awesome. I am so glad that He showed me that I don’t have to have a man to justify who I am because I am who God says I am. If you are the sort of person that seems to frantically go from one relationship to the next in fear of being alone with yourself you are really doing yourself and the people you date an injustice. Take the time to completely regroup and let God direct you. Don’t use others to get over the one loss because that is not love. Don’t use people as fillers so you don’t have to be alone or go without physical contact that is not love either. Stop, pray, and take a breath. I promise you it’s the best thing you could ever do for yourself. I know no one wants to spend life alone. I am not saying that at all but I realized and am reminded quite often that I don’t have sense enough to run my own life the way I want  and that from what I have seen as far as me going off on my own shows my track record is not so hot. So what do I have to lose by doing something quite opposite of a method that doesn’t work anyway?  NOTHING! I challenge you to completely, wholeheartedly take a timeout and let God redirect you spirit, body and mind.