Stop

Stop

 

I was fourteen when I started willingly having sex. I remember my moms husband catching me and my boyfriend right in the middle of the act. I was mortified but I thought given his history he wouldn’t dare tell on me. BUT he did, and I got in so much trouble. It was close to Christmas and I remember my Ma screaming in the phone when he called her at work and my dad all the way in Indiana just furious. Not to mention they both sent any gift I had back!! All I got was a trip to Indiana and a lot of uncomfortable questions and not to mention they talked to his parents as well. The stupid thing was I didn’t care about any of that because I was only worried about whether my boyfriend was going to still be with me because I just really truly thought he was “the one”. I even told my parents that he and I were going to be together forever and get married. Twenty three years later I barely want to even speak to him let alone want to be with him. I think back now over all the relationships I have had and just in the last year or so realized I wasn’t in love near as many times as I thought. I always felt I had to have a boyfriend and I never took breaks. As a matter of fact I used the next to get over the last each time. Did you catch that word USED? It wasn’t until recently did I realize that I not only did I not love these men I used them for my own selfish motives of not being alone. The sad thing is with so many of them they were physically present but I was still alone because they were not emotionally healthy and neither was I. This was a great revelation for me but I had to dig into why I had such habits.  When I started to spend more time alone with me after my divorce I saw that I never gave myself time to really take a breath and get to know myself. I was obviously scared to be alone with myself. That sounds crazy I know but its true for so many people. My alone time with me during this period was an awesome thing God did with and for me. I had time with Him more because I wasn’t trying to please anyone else or distracted. This is when I learned my worth in God’s eyes versus my own eyes. I realized that I had low self esteem and often based my relationships on physical and not much beyond that. Physical is great and all but you sure can’t keep a relationship going with it. Who knew? J  God showed me what true peace felt like and that my body was not a tool to be used to lock in the deal. Yes I said that.  These are just a few things God showed me during this time out.  I had to be worn out to hear and see what God had to say and show me. I didn’t have a boyfriend because I was exhausted from my marriage and I just was not interested in being settled down with anyone. This was a first for me. My divorce was a devastating thing but what God did with me during that time was awesome. I am so glad that He showed me that I don’t have to have a man to justify who I am because I am who God says I am. If you are the sort of person that seems to frantically go from one relationship to the next in fear of being alone with yourself you are really doing yourself and the people you date an injustice. Take the time to completely regroup and let God direct you. Don’t use others to get over the one loss because that is not love. Don’t use people as fillers so you don’t have to be alone or go without physical contact that is not love either. Stop, pray, and take a breath. I promise you it’s the best thing you could ever do for yourself. I know no one wants to spend life alone. I am not saying that at all but I realized and am reminded quite often that I don’t have sense enough to run my own life the way I want  and that from what I have seen as far as me going off on my own shows my track record is not so hot. So what do I have to lose by doing something quite opposite of a method that doesn’t work anyway?  NOTHING! I challenge you to completely, wholeheartedly take a timeout and let God redirect you spirit, body and mind.