This is the beginning of the 1st chapter of my book...It was the 4th of July, 1987 and I was 12 years old. The summer was at its peak of heat and I was excited for my 7th grade year to begin. My mom and aunt had bought loads of food to eat, and enough fireworks for my little cousin's to torture me with all day. Unless it was a sparkle I wasn't having any part in the fireworks, but I was definitely there for the food. One of my friends mom had to work so he spent the day with us too. I had known him since I was in the 1st grade and we called ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend and ever so often we would give each other a peck on the lips to confirm it. This was the first holiday in a while that my mom actually seemed happy since her and my dad divorced. She had a new boyfriend and that seemed to really lift her spirits and outlook on things. He was a pretty cool guy I supposed because he would always talk to me about grown up things and didn't treat me like a little baby like my family did. He let me watch rated R Movies and never made me go to bed early or any of that like most adults. My aunt was always fun to be around with her colorful language and crazy sense of humor she brought life to any situation. We packed up all of the food and headed to the park to grill and have space for us kids to run wild as much as we wanted in between eating. I spent most of the day trying to shake my little cousin's so I could sneak a kiss which didn't work at all. Nonetheless we had  great time. Once it started getting dark we moved the food to our house where we played music, watched tv and the adults played cards until it was time for my friend to go home. It had to be about 10 when my moms boyfriend took him to his house. I was still up and my mom told me to go to bed. I went to my room where my cousin's were overlapping each other snoring in my bed and started talking on the phone to my friend. He called as soon as he got home as if we hadn't been together all day long. He told me that he and my mom boyfriend had a strange conversation on the way home and he asked him had we had sex before. Sex? I told him it was cool that he always talked about those kinds of things. He still thought it was strange because we thought a simple peck was major for our age but sex definitely was not on our slate. We talked until about 12 and his mom made him get off the phone. I laid down for a while and remembered all the food we had left in the refrigerator and got up for the kitchen. The house was completely quiet and I was guessing everyone had went to bed. I began rummaging through leftovers when I turned around startled to see my mom's boyfriend standing there. He chuckled because he must have seen that he definitely caught me off guard and told me he heard me get up and decided to come talk to me. I didn't think much of it and he started to ask me questions about me and my friend and if we were thinking of having sex. I responded with I'm sure a puzzled look when I told him no. He began to tell me how nothing is wrong with having sex and it's a natural thing to do. The conversation and his tone started to get weird to me but I wasn't sure how to dismiss myself from it so I told him I was going to get me some clothes to change into and go to bed. I  walked into the washroom and he followed me and came behind me and started kissing my neck. I froze because I was shocked. When I turned around and started to say again that I needed to go to bed he began to shush me and grabbed me and started to stick his tongue in my mouth so deeply and all I could taste was cigarettes and his spit. I was thinking of all the things I should do...scream or something but all I could seem to do is stand there as he began to tell me how he has wanted me for so long and how he was jealous that I had my friend over all day. After some time he told me to go to my room quietly. I started to think I had to be dreaming a horrible dream but I realized it was indeed a reality when he shortly came in after me. He told me to be very quiet and that it would hurt my mom too much if she found out he wanted me the way he does and it would ruin her. I didn't want her to be mad at me and I kept thinking how if I would have went to bed this never would have happened. He started pulling my panties off and pushing his fingers inside of me. I started to get loud because of the pain when he told me I need to relax because he has something much bigger than his finger so he was trying to open me up some. Once he realized that there was no way he could go all the way without anyone hearing he stopped. I laid there silently as he told me I couldn't tell anyone what happened or it would cause a lot of trouble for my mom and me and my little brother would be sent away. After he left my room that night...I stayed up the rest of the night wondering whether I should tell what happened...was what happened my fault because I got out of bed...he hadn't beat me so was it really rape? It was the first hardest decision I ever had to make and I was only 12 years old.

Renewal

A couple of weeks ago I went to visit my church prior to joining the  church my dad pastors. I like to go there when I have no duties to fulfill at my church....which is rare. It was very hard for me to leave this church because I honestly enjoyed being somewhere for a while where all I had to do was be a member. I tithed and worshiped and grew there like never before. I had no idea the ins and outs of business of the church or who was click-ish or rude because I didn't see any of that. I went got the word and went home. This is when I started to have defined dreams and started believing in prophesying and understanding true anointing. I realized later after God forced me to change membership I had to be there for a period of time to be able to do what I do now and see the vision. So you can see why I sneak off here and there to be reminded and refreshed. This last time we went the Bishop said somethings that really stuck for me about my carnal mind. My carnality is a constant struggle because God shows me so much but my carnal mind at times rules my thoughts and actions. When He shows me something and it doesn't happen right away I instantly see it as a taken back promise because I don't understand the process and I become withdrawn and fall back into what's comfortable and seemingly safe for me because it's what I know. In the sermon Bishop made a statement similar to 'How do you know your struggle isn't there to get you to a breakthrough?' I thought because it doesn't feel good...we are so conditioned in this world to getting what we want fast that at times we don't realize the best things take time. Example...one of my best friends used to make this sun tea...I asked her how she made it because it was so delicious and she told me it seeps in the sun for hours through the day. I decided then that I would never make that tea because I didn't want to seep it for hours in the sun...lol I didn't have the patience for it where she had mastered it and decided the result was worth the time it took for it to sit. To me that has been a powerful lesson in my life...letting my situations be steeped by God so I can have the best result. One more point he brought up was how if we aren't in the word of God consistently that our carnal influence will over take us. TRUTH! I'm sure anyone who is a Christian will agree that they are at their strongest in rebuking the carnal way of doing things when they are prayed up and studied up. I sure am but for some reason I can be doing great with it and one small thing will throw me off and I have to start all over. We all need a constant revival in our spiritual life to keep the carnal man at bay. Just remember God always provides an out from bad decisions whether it's a subtle whisper or a crashing thunder. And just because you fall doesn't mean you have to crawl the rest of your life.

The Process

It's been quite some time since I wrote anything....not because I don't have plenty going on in my head but I just have so much going on in my life all the time by the time I sit down all I want to do is SIT. I need to do better. 😊 Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking about the things I have been praying for in my life and why some prayers seem to get answered with ease while the ones I pray the most seem to be stuck on a back shelf collecting dust. It's a very frustrating thing to think God is ignoring what you believe to be a simple step. But is He really ignoring me? I would say no because He shows me a lot but it's just not the process I chose in the timing I would like...isn't that the case with most of us when it comes to those MEGA prayers in our life? You may pray for a million dollars and see over a million in your lifetime go through your hands but since it wasn't a lump sum you think you never got it. You may pray for a mate and think they will be and look a certain way and the love of your life is the complete opposite of what you imagined. Why do you think that is? I have a theory  of course...we don't know who or what is best for ourselves so God shows us. Here is a great example. When I got divorced I gave myself a 2 year timeline before I got married again. I have to laugh at the thought now...11 years later I'm still very unmarried. ..but I'm so glad I didn't meet that two year goal because I was definitely not healed enough emotionally nor spiritually to be with anyone as their wife. I just was realizing I had low self esteem and how to rebuild it. I grew spiritually in ways I never would have if I had got married again soon. And I really needed more time to heal from my failed marriage and sort out all that happened and my responsibility in it. I needed time to realize what peace was. My list goes on and on and I realize the importance of the time God has taken to reveal me to ME....and show me all those areas I had tucked away behind a strong wall. I'm so glad God ignored my instant request to give Himself time to work on my wounds that I didn't realize I had. Now I won't lie 10 years of not having a long term relationship is a bit much to me and I was just telling my Ma that God is indeed punishing me for all the fun I had when I was young but I have no doubt He is working on my behalf. So I will say this to myself and you all trust God's process because your struggle may be leading to your next break through. He knows far better than we do what we need and even our true hearts desire. I know we like to quote all the time "Ask and you shall receive, knock and the door will be open" but we miss that part about having like minds with God so His will, will match our desires because we are so in tune with Him. Are you in tune to God's will and are you willing to trust His process?

I Just Look Like This

When I was married my husband had this phrase he would say when he felt someone thought he was easy to get over on and it would tickle me to hear him say "I just look like this here " basically saying just because I look stupid doesn't mean I am. Today as I write I want to use it differently...I look well put together...always strong...without struggles...or a care in the world...I JUST LOOK LIKE THIS...but I share the same struggles as anyone else. I have accepted the fact that God places people in my life that have similar insecurities I have had...similar struggles and questions as me...but one of the hardest thing with talking to people within these situations is convincing them we share the same battles...I JUST LOOK LIKE THIS. There was a young lady who felt her body was all she had of value to offer a man...when she first started talking to me she thought for sure I would judge her or think she was dirty but once I shared the exact same battle that I had with self image and how God showed me how valuable I am then changed my thoughts of my worth she saw hope for herself. There are so many times I have been forced to tell someone something I did in my past or went through that was embarrassing or actually held me hostage from shame in order to witness to someone who was in the same situation . One of the biggest mistakes we as Christians make is acting as if we have never done things wrong or shameful...we often come off condescending or as if we have arrived to the highest state of glory to the point we can look down on others. I personally make a point to explain my imperfect ways now and in the past. I don't do this to excuse behavior but to say we ALL are imperfect and we ALL have done things we are ashamed of. Not only that but we ALL also have struggles. The great thing is being able to know God brought me out of my ridiculous mess then and continues to revamp me as I grow. To me that is what being a Christian is about being able to use your battles that you have won to inspire someone in the same situation. So if you see me and think I'm always on top...or have it all together...or always do the right thing..etc...just remember I'm no better than you or anyone ekse.. I JUST LOOK LIKE THIS.

It's not what you go through....its how you go through.

Traveling Light

When it comes to sharing my experiences I try to talk about things from how I'm feeling at that time. If you have taken the time to read any of my past posts you know I have so many reasons to not trust or enough stuff to make anyone nuts for sure. I have had people tell me it's a wonder I like men at all but that is definitely a God gift. However one of the hardest things I fight against is baggage. There are things that trigger me wanting to put on my running shoes and take off because of so many bad experiences in relationships. One of my friends is always saying it's so hard to erase those old tapes in your head when they have been playing over and over for years. I'm sure I'm not the only one that at times feels God is having a good ole chuckle at my expense because the craziest stuff happens to me when I date...lets see there was the guy that was head over heels for me then I prayed about it to God and the next day he said he was going to ask his ex to marry him...then there was the one who loved me since we were kids but um...left me for his crazy baby momma...there was the other one that wanted to really get revenge on me because when we were kids I never gave him a chance...oh and the refuse to commit year after year one...and that is the short list from the last 3 years .I mean I swear this is the longest episode of Punkd I've ever witnessed. When I talk to my friends they don't really understand because for the most part they are all married or have men and they haven't a clue what dating is like right now in 2015. The hardest thing right now for me is not so much giving up but not being scared of the process. We all have baggage and things that we never want to do again but when so many different things happen it's hard to not wait for the shoe to fall when you meet someone. Now I'm even scared to pray the LORD IF THIS IS NOT FOR ME REMOVE HIM prayer because something major always happens and poof 99.9% are gone but that .1 is always there not moving forward or backward. My prayer today is that I don't let my circumstances and past bad experiences de-motivate me. Being in Love is an amazing gift but unfortunately  I have to keep taking a chance and maybe one day God will say I have had enough and let me experience it again but with reciprocation. Meanwhile, I pray my baggage be packed light and doesn't get so heavy I can even carry it, that my friends STOP giving me those be strong speeches or any of that because it just annoys meat this point  and the next person I like will have his baggage light enough to carry on forward.
PS God if I am missing something can you help me out here? Amen.

My SELF Esteem is Mine

In our world today we are flooded with so many different images that are labeled as beautiful. It is starting to change little by little but most pictures of beauty we see are of people with what the world labels as a perfect body...or perfect skin...perfect hair. When I was a little girl I was perfectly fine with my skin tone but I always wished for naturally straight hair that curled up when I wet it. 😊Needless to say I had to grow to love my own thick hair that no way curled neatly when I wet it. Then I went through a phase where I wanted a humongous butt with a little wasted...I learned to appreciate my mid size derrière and Im semi working on my waste.😆 As I have grown though I have gotten to a place where I loooove everything about this beautiful design God made called ME! I remember reading once how insulting it has to be to God for me to be complaining about how He made me. The next thing I realized was that not being happy completely with myself caused me to not make the best choices for myself and tolerating things I never would have if I had more SELF esteem. It wasn't an obvious lack of self esteem though...I never thought I was ugly or any but maybe not as cute as I should be. I had to learn how accept compliments without denying it by just saying thank you. I would worry about being judged by who I was dating about my weight...skin...hair...which was ridiculous. I wrote before about how when I got married my ex husband had to literally turn every light on and hide the covers before I'd let him see me nude. That poor man had to do more assuring me of my beauty that first couple of years to the point he banned anyone else to comment on it..lol I guess it was hard enough. Before my grandmother passed she had started calling me Pretty Girl...and every time I would look behind me as if someone else had to be there.  Somewhere in the mist I had to take ownership of healing my SELF esteem that I had realized was seriously broken.How did I do this? I spent a year looking on the mirror telling myself how beautiful I was and that I was beautiful and wonderfully made. I had a whole thing I would say to myself until I  believed it. Next if someone compliments me...I say....THANK YOU...I know it sounds simple..Last but most important I reminded myself constantly that God made me just like this...yes I can work out...do things to my hair...but God purposely made me this way. Taking ownership of my SELF esteem makes me only except what is best for me. If someone approaches me w things they wish I'd change I don't entertain it...No I'm not perming my hair...no I will not ever be a skinny minny...but YES you cant accept me as God designed me to be or keep walking. I wont try to prove how wonderful I am to you because I don't fit your ideal woman. Being me and comfortable with who I am is one of the best things I have grown to do.

Forgiving

It's been a while since I've had the time to write anything, and I admit I often stop because it seems no one is paying attention until someone out of the blue will ask why I haven't written anything, or will come to me and say how they love that I'm open to share such hard things. Writing has been my therapy since I was a little girl and it just comes natural for me. Today I want to talk about the importance of forgiveness. If you have read some of my past posts you know that as a child from 12-15 I was molested, at 16 I was raped, and at 28 I was raped and held hostage. These acts were all committed by someone I knew and trusted. And unfortunately have had to see repeatedly over time. One of the things people tend to ask me is how I can manage to not be angry all the time. Honestly I can only say it's God's doing because He knew if I harbored that kind of anger and resentment that I couldn't be what He needed me to be as far as witnessing to others about forgiving. Here are some misconceptions about forgiving that I myself have found to be true. First, the phrase forgive and forget is misleading. Forgive and forget doesn't mean you forget what was done or what took place it means that it doesn't have such a clutch on your spirit and heart that you live and breath that discretion to the point it consumes you. When my ex husband raped and held me hostage it took the courts two years to decide the case was worthy of a trial. In all honesty I had forgiven him long before that..it didn't make me forget what happened but I didn't spend two years reliving that night. Can you imagine how far behind I would be spiritually if I hadn't went on from that night? It was absolutely not easy and I wouldn't want to do it ever again. So when you hear forgive and forget it doesn't mean erase it from memory because there is a lesson in every trial we have. Next know when you have forgiven by how you react. Ok I'll admit forgiving is hard to do especially when someone had hurt us or our love ones...so don't think I'm the Saint of forgiveness...its hard but if we say we forgive someone then we hear their name or see them we lose our minds then likely you haven't forgave them. When I would see the person who molested me or the one who raped me and they were living fancy free and on top of that wanted to speak to me as if they hadn't done any harm I would want to use them for target practice. Now the most I think is that it's a shame they are so sick minded they see no wrong in their perverse minds. Now don't get me wrong I am not friends with them...we dont chat...and I have no words for them but I wish no harm or foul to them. It happens that both are very ill at this point in life and I have no glee in my spirit about their suffering. That has to be God because me left to my own resources would be throwing a party. Last forgiving is more for you than the person you are forgiving. I have said this often...why are we walking around all upset at this person and they are going on about their lives. Who are we really hurting here? I refuse to allow someone who has caused me pain directly to continue to have that control over me when they aren't phased one bit by it. Not to mention I'm responsible for my end and will have to give account for not doing what I was supposed to. So let's see...I'm going to be wronged...be mad and make myself miserable while they go on with life...AND get in trouble with God because I refused to forgive? Wow when I Iook at it that way it just isn't fair to me not to forgive. I wrote this hoping it reaches someone. This is not something I have mastered and I struggle with forgiving people at times so don't think I'm the queen of this topic I always have work to do. I just felt it was something we all needed to hear.

Ephesians 4:31-32 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.(attitude: loving and forgiving just like God forgave