MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Seasonal Changes

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Seasonal Changes: Ten years ago there is no way you would have been able to tell me that my then best friends would be people I barely talk to or not even sp...

Seasonal Changes

Ten years ago there is no way you would have been able to tell me that my then best friends would be people I barely talk to or not even speak to in passing, that I would be at the job I am at and not working in the criminal justice field that I majored in, and that I would STILL not be married. My 30 year old self had NO CLUE that God had a totally different direction for me to head than the one I had planned for myself. Isn’t life funny that way? What is odd about those changes is that I am SO glad that God knew better than I did when it came to plans for my life or I never would have grown as much as I have. I have to confess some of the plans I had seemed pretty good to me, and for that reason alone I fought against God’s way. Now I see on the back end….no way would I want to be in the criminal justice system as a daily profession, the old “good” friends I had were truly for a season of time and if things didn’t happen the way they did I would never have moved on, and being married….well I wasn’t ready for that either and we would be divorced by now if we would have married then because we both had a lot of growing and healing to do. I also see because I wanted to be within my own will it took me a bit longer than it had to just for me to get to where I am now mentally and spiritually.  The thing about these hindsight revelations is I had no clue until after I got over the kicking and screaming my way through the disappointment of things not going my way. That is when God showed me how those things not going as I planned helped me to become a better person in this season in my life. Can you imagine what would happen if the earth didn’t go through seasons and if we never had spring how the flowers wouldn’t have the opportunity to be pollinated? I personally love spring time and if I had it my way the weather would always be that way but that is not Gods design of things. Summer, Fall and Winter all have their purposes as well. It is the same with our lives. Each phase has it’s own purpose and ultimately takes us to a new level/ season in our lives that we could never get through without it.  When you look at the rough spots, or unplanned situations in your life do you see them as God not letting you have your way, or do you see it as God making a better way? I know it is hard to not get angry with the changes God has for your life especially when it looks nothing like your plan you had, but just remember it is only for a season that you will feel that way.  Once that season changes it will be spring all over again and God will pollinate you into something even more beautiful than you were before. Ecclesiastes 3:1 To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Today

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Today: Today I woke up once again frustrated with myself....my stomachs too big, my hair wont act right and I'm STILL single TODAY! Well I hav...

Today

Today I woke up once again frustrated with myself....my stomachs too big, my hair wont act right and I'm STILL single TODAY! Well I have to put on my big girl draws, fluff my hair, find what I think fits me for my mood TODAY. Today I still choose to smile and attempt to be positive even when there are so many things I could be negative about... but what good would that do me TODAY??? Will being negative make my day any better...will it make my body shrink to the first size I thought I was fat...or will it send me my prince charming that will sweep me off of my feet...will it even soothe my heat...will it do that TODAY. TODAY is what I didn't know was promised on yesterday because tomorrow is not a guarantee...but now that tomorrow is now TODAY I have to make the best of it and not harp on what is not but on what is....TODAY No I may not be a size 10-12, or have hair to the middle of my back or even have a man that can appreciate the beautiful woman I am but I still have TODAY...I have TODAY to remember that God created every curve and bump I have and gave me the power to of self control....TODAY I know that every hair on my head is structured and curled just like it should and that it's uniqueness contributes to my beauty..TODAY I know that even though I have no clue where the man God has for me is...somewhere God is shaping him for me. SO I smile and remain positive...confident...and trusting that GOD not only had me yesterday and tomorrow....but He has me TODAY....

This is the beginning of the 1st chapter of my book...It was the 4th of July, 1987 and I was 12 years old. The summer was at its peak of heat and I was excited for my 7th grade year to begin. My mom and aunt had bought loads of food to eat, and enough fireworks for my little cousin's to torture me with all day. Unless it was a sparkle I wasn't having any part in the fireworks, but I was definitely there for the food. One of my friends mom had to work so he spent the day with us too. I had known him since I was in the 1st grade and we called ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend and ever so often we would give each other a peck on the lips to confirm it. This was the first holiday in a while that my mom actually seemed happy since her and my dad divorced. She had a new boyfriend and that seemed to really lift her spirits and outlook on things. He was a pretty cool guy I supposed because he would always talk to me about grown up things and didn't treat me like a little baby like my family did. He let me watch rated R Movies and never made me go to bed early or any of that like most adults. My aunt was always fun to be around with her colorful language and crazy sense of humor she brought life to any situation. We packed up all of the food and headed to the park to grill and have space for us kids to run wild as much as we wanted in between eating. I spent most of the day trying to shake my little cousin's so I could sneak a kiss which didn't work at all. Nonetheless we had  great time. Once it started getting dark we moved the food to our house where we played music, watched tv and the adults played cards until it was time for my friend to go home. It had to be about 10 when my moms boyfriend took him to his house. I was still up and my mom told me to go to bed. I went to my room where my cousin's were overlapping each other snoring in my bed and started talking on the phone to my friend. He called as soon as he got home as if we hadn't been together all day long. He told me that he and my mom boyfriend had a strange conversation on the way home and he asked him had we had sex before. Sex? I told him it was cool that he always talked about those kinds of things. He still thought it was strange because we thought a simple peck was major for our age but sex definitely was not on our slate. We talked until about 12 and his mom made him get off the phone. I laid down for a while and remembered all the food we had left in the refrigerator and got up for the kitchen. The house was completely quiet and I was guessing everyone had went to bed. I began rummaging through leftovers when I turned around startled to see my mom's boyfriend standing there. He chuckled because he must have seen that he definitely caught me off guard and told me he heard me get up and decided to come talk to me. I didn't think much of it and he started to ask me questions about me and my friend and if we were thinking of having sex. I responded with I'm sure a puzzled look when I told him no. He began to tell me how nothing is wrong with having sex and it's a natural thing to do. The conversation and his tone started to get weird to me but I wasn't sure how to dismiss myself from it so I told him I was going to get me some clothes to change into and go to bed. I  walked into the washroom and he followed me and came behind me and started kissing my neck. I froze because I was shocked. When I turned around and started to say again that I needed to go to bed he began to shush me and grabbed me and started to stick his tongue in my mouth so deeply and all I could taste was cigarettes and his spit. I was thinking of all the things I should do...scream or something but all I could seem to do is stand there as he began to tell me how he has wanted me for so long and how he was jealous that I had my friend over all day. After some time he told me to go to my room quietly. I started to think I had to be dreaming a horrible dream but I realized it was indeed a reality when he shortly came in after me. He told me to be very quiet and that it would hurt my mom too much if she found out he wanted me the way he does and it would ruin her. I didn't want her to be mad at me and I kept thinking how if I would have went to bed this never would have happened. He started pulling my panties off and pushing his fingers inside of me. I started to get loud because of the pain when he told me I need to relax because he has something much bigger than his finger so he was trying to open me up some. Once he realized that there was no way he could go all the way without anyone hearing he stopped. I laid there silently as he told me I couldn't tell anyone what happened or it would cause a lot of trouble for my mom and me and my little brother would be sent away. After he left my room that night...I stayed up the rest of the night wondering whether I should tell what happened...was what happened my fault because I got out of bed...he hadn't beat me so was it really rape? It was the first hardest decision I ever had to make and I was only 12 years old.

Renewal

A couple of weeks ago I went to visit my church prior to joining the  church my dad pastors. I like to go there when I have no duties to fulfill at my church....which is rare. It was very hard for me to leave this church because I honestly enjoyed being somewhere for a while where all I had to do was be a member. I tithed and worshiped and grew there like never before. I had no idea the ins and outs of business of the church or who was click-ish or rude because I didn't see any of that. I went got the word and went home. This is when I started to have defined dreams and started believing in prophesying and understanding true anointing. I realized later after God forced me to change membership I had to be there for a period of time to be able to do what I do now and see the vision. So you can see why I sneak off here and there to be reminded and refreshed. This last time we went the Bishop said somethings that really stuck for me about my carnal mind. My carnality is a constant struggle because God shows me so much but my carnal mind at times rules my thoughts and actions. When He shows me something and it doesn't happen right away I instantly see it as a taken back promise because I don't understand the process and I become withdrawn and fall back into what's comfortable and seemingly safe for me because it's what I know. In the sermon Bishop made a statement similar to 'How do you know your struggle isn't there to get you to a breakthrough?' I thought because it doesn't feel good...we are so conditioned in this world to getting what we want fast that at times we don't realize the best things take time. Example...one of my best friends used to make this sun tea...I asked her how she made it because it was so delicious and she told me it seeps in the sun for hours through the day. I decided then that I would never make that tea because I didn't want to seep it for hours in the sun...lol I didn't have the patience for it where she had mastered it and decided the result was worth the time it took for it to sit. To me that has been a powerful lesson in my life...letting my situations be steeped by God so I can have the best result. One more point he brought up was how if we aren't in the word of God consistently that our carnal influence will over take us. TRUTH! I'm sure anyone who is a Christian will agree that they are at their strongest in rebuking the carnal way of doing things when they are prayed up and studied up. I sure am but for some reason I can be doing great with it and one small thing will throw me off and I have to start all over. We all need a constant revival in our spiritual life to keep the carnal man at bay. Just remember God always provides an out from bad decisions whether it's a subtle whisper or a crashing thunder. And just because you fall doesn't mean you have to crawl the rest of your life.

The Process

It's been quite some time since I wrote anything....not because I don't have plenty going on in my head but I just have so much going on in my life all the time by the time I sit down all I want to do is SIT. I need to do better. 😊 Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking about the things I have been praying for in my life and why some prayers seem to get answered with ease while the ones I pray the most seem to be stuck on a back shelf collecting dust. It's a very frustrating thing to think God is ignoring what you believe to be a simple step. But is He really ignoring me? I would say no because He shows me a lot but it's just not the process I chose in the timing I would like...isn't that the case with most of us when it comes to those MEGA prayers in our life? You may pray for a million dollars and see over a million in your lifetime go through your hands but since it wasn't a lump sum you think you never got it. You may pray for a mate and think they will be and look a certain way and the love of your life is the complete opposite of what you imagined. Why do you think that is? I have a theory  of course...we don't know who or what is best for ourselves so God shows us. Here is a great example. When I got divorced I gave myself a 2 year timeline before I got married again. I have to laugh at the thought now...11 years later I'm still very unmarried. ..but I'm so glad I didn't meet that two year goal because I was definitely not healed enough emotionally nor spiritually to be with anyone as their wife. I just was realizing I had low self esteem and how to rebuild it. I grew spiritually in ways I never would have if I had got married again soon. And I really needed more time to heal from my failed marriage and sort out all that happened and my responsibility in it. I needed time to realize what peace was. My list goes on and on and I realize the importance of the time God has taken to reveal me to ME....and show me all those areas I had tucked away behind a strong wall. I'm so glad God ignored my instant request to give Himself time to work on my wounds that I didn't realize I had. Now I won't lie 10 years of not having a long term relationship is a bit much to me and I was just telling my Ma that God is indeed punishing me for all the fun I had when I was young but I have no doubt He is working on my behalf. So I will say this to myself and you all trust God's process because your struggle may be leading to your next break through. He knows far better than we do what we need and even our true hearts desire. I know we like to quote all the time "Ask and you shall receive, knock and the door will be open" but we miss that part about having like minds with God so His will, will match our desires because we are so in tune with Him. Are you in tune to God's will and are you willing to trust His process?