Walk Away

Last year around this time I was going through what was the beginning of a big fall out with two of, at the time, my closest friends. One I even claimed as a sister and shared my family with her because we were that tight. I have known both of them since we were fourteen years old. I thought that it was the normal type of stupid quarrel that women have for some reason with each other which was truly not uncommon for this set of friends.  It started simple with the one I will call Sister Friend not talking to me. We went from talking every single day, texting and emailing to total silence. I wasn’t aware of any issues or anything I did, and every time I would ask what was wrong she said she was busy or just had a lot going on is all. I thought it was odd because we always had a lot going on but I trusted that if she was upset with me she would tell me. Meanwhile every time I would bring up to Best Friend that Sister Friend wasn’t talking she would change the topic as if I didn’t say anything. I was getting really annoyed with the both of them because obviously something was wrong and it was something I wasn’t privy too.  While this was going on I had a bit of a scare at the doctor because when he went to do my annual exam he found a cyst tucked deep away. Anyone that knows me knows that I have had some not so great experiences with this sort of thing. I really needed my sisters to be supportive. I had to go to a radiologist and get the cyst tested for cancer. Over the years I have had chryo surgery, and a leets procedure done so to say the least my nerves were quite shot this day and the last thing I needed was some mess. Knowing all too well my personality BF told me why SF was mad at me. In short, I told BF something that I thought to be true but it actually wasn’t true until after I said it. I know it’s confusing. I was very mad that the both of them knowing my situations couldn’t stop for a minute and see how things went with this health issue I had going on. I had people that I just met within the last few years calling me and praying with me while I waited for this appointment and the results of the test but the two people that were closest didn’t.  I was very hurt to say the least but I wanted to work out whatever was wrong. SF was still not talking to me but now that I knew why I sent an email since no other form of communication seemed to work. I explained to her that I thought what I said was accurate because of the last conversation we had. In her reply to me she said a bunch of things that I didn’t agree with but to top it off she called me a liar. WOW! I was stunned and shocked. Anyone that knows me knows that being called a liar sends me from 0 to 100 quickly because misunderstanding something and purposely making up a story is two different things. Needless to say this email didn’t go very well. It resulted in her calling me on my phone calling me a liar again and hanging up in my face…which is my second 0-100. I was fuming hot at her because not only has she known me for years, she knows those two things are a no for me. I talked to BF about what happened and she chose the neutral route.  I have to say that bugged me because she kept saying there was some more to it and we need to just sit down and talk, but SF that was all to it. Eventually, BF made a statement saying she can see where we both are right and wrong. I asked her how was I wrong. Her reply was that she didn’t say that I was wrong. Since the conversation was in text I sent her the text that showed she said it. We haven’t talked since that day. I wrote this soap opera out for you all for a reason.  I was so hurt about the loss of these friendships because I truly didn’t understand how something so small as a misunderstanding turned into an all out blowout ending with me losing two of, what I thought, dearest friends. There was so much drama with the whole situation from being blocked off FB pages to people not wanting to work with me in church! I couldn’t believe how it all went. I was so angry every time someone brought it up my head hurt and all those feelings of betrayal came back. It was not until some months passed and I started to ask God to show me some things that I may have missed about it. His answer was simple…It was time to clear some things out so you could hear ME a little clearer and stop relying so much on others for answers. I had got really used to getting their advice and thoughts on things to where I was praying but I relied on them quite a bit emotionally. With SF we kind of fed off of each other when it came to various situations which wasn’t always a positive thing.  God works in strange ways when it comes to growth. This was truly a trial but it was also a step to growth. It forced me to rely more on God for any issues I was having an then taught me a huge lesson in forgiveness. When we pray we secretly have it planned how we think it should look, but God's way usually is on a whole other level than what we could ever plan. He has a way of moving people that may be a hindrance to where He needs us to be.  When I say that I am not saying they are bad people I am saying I was being hindered by the friendships. I hope that makes sense. Not only that I got a good dose of "so you CALL yourself a Christian" literally and at the same time I kept hearing God say yeah...now show that you are. I was forced to be nice when I wanted to be mean. I was lied on repeatedly and being called a liar and there was nothing I could do about it.  I learned what it was like to have someone to accuse you of having ill intent when that was the furthest thing from your mind. I learned that when no one else was there to talk to God gave me peace of mind,and a hiding place when needed. I also am learning a tough lesson in forgiveness. It’s weird to me I have forgiven the man that molested me for 3 years and told people I was a whore, the man that raped me, and my ex husband but forgiving these friends has been harder for me for some reason. I think it was more of a sense of real betrayal that stalled this forgiving process out. This is when God started to show me that I need to get over myself and move forward. How can I ask Him for forgiveness and not be able to forgive. I was forced out of what I was used to, to where I needed to be. I thank God for growing me in this area. I have learned that no one can substitute God’s friendship. Sometimes we have to just walk away. There is nothing wrong with having friends but God is the ultimate counselor and all He does is for our good.  I have learned that God’s process is not always the one I thought it would be.  He will allow us to go thru trials to make us stronger.  I appreciate this experience because it was a true test to show me who I am and even where I needed growth. I thank Him for the new people He has placed in my life and the ones that I neglected before that have been there. Remember that nothing happens without a reason..and every trial we make it thru brings about growth.  I thank God for the trials and the growth! 

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