Renewal

A couple of weeks ago I went to visit my church prior to joining the  church my dad pastors. I like to go there when I have no duties to fulfill at my church....which is rare. It was very hard for me to leave this church because I honestly enjoyed being somewhere for a while where all I had to do was be a member. I tithed and worshiped and grew there like never before. I had no idea the ins and outs of business of the church or who was click-ish or rude because I didn't see any of that. I went got the word and went home. This is when I started to have defined dreams and started believing in prophesying and understanding true anointing. I realized later after God forced me to change membership I had to be there for a period of time to be able to do what I do now and see the vision. So you can see why I sneak off here and there to be reminded and refreshed. This last time we went the Bishop said somethings that really stuck for me about my carnal mind. My carnality is a constant struggle because God shows me so much but my carnal mind at times rules my thoughts and actions. When He shows me something and it doesn't happen right away I instantly see it as a taken back promise because I don't understand the process and I become withdrawn and fall back into what's comfortable and seemingly safe for me because it's what I know. In the sermon Bishop made a statement similar to 'How do you know your struggle isn't there to get you to a breakthrough?' I thought because it doesn't feel good...we are so conditioned in this world to getting what we want fast that at times we don't realize the best things take time. Example...one of my best friends used to make this sun tea...I asked her how she made it because it was so delicious and she told me it seeps in the sun for hours through the day. I decided then that I would never make that tea because I didn't want to seep it for hours in the sun...lol I didn't have the patience for it where she had mastered it and decided the result was worth the time it took for it to sit. To me that has been a powerful lesson in my life...letting my situations be steeped by God so I can have the best result. One more point he brought up was how if we aren't in the word of God consistently that our carnal influence will over take us. TRUTH! I'm sure anyone who is a Christian will agree that they are at their strongest in rebuking the carnal way of doing things when they are prayed up and studied up. I sure am but for some reason I can be doing great with it and one small thing will throw me off and I have to start all over. We all need a constant revival in our spiritual life to keep the carnal man at bay. Just remember God always provides an out from bad decisions whether it's a subtle whisper or a crashing thunder. And just because you fall doesn't mean you have to crawl the rest of your life.

The Process

It's been quite some time since I wrote anything....not because I don't have plenty going on in my head but I just have so much going on in my life all the time by the time I sit down all I want to do is SIT. I need to do better. 😊 Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking about the things I have been praying for in my life and why some prayers seem to get answered with ease while the ones I pray the most seem to be stuck on a back shelf collecting dust. It's a very frustrating thing to think God is ignoring what you believe to be a simple step. But is He really ignoring me? I would say no because He shows me a lot but it's just not the process I chose in the timing I would like...isn't that the case with most of us when it comes to those MEGA prayers in our life? You may pray for a million dollars and see over a million in your lifetime go through your hands but since it wasn't a lump sum you think you never got it. You may pray for a mate and think they will be and look a certain way and the love of your life is the complete opposite of what you imagined. Why do you think that is? I have a theory  of course...we don't know who or what is best for ourselves so God shows us. Here is a great example. When I got divorced I gave myself a 2 year timeline before I got married again. I have to laugh at the thought now...11 years later I'm still very unmarried. ..but I'm so glad I didn't meet that two year goal because I was definitely not healed enough emotionally nor spiritually to be with anyone as their wife. I just was realizing I had low self esteem and how to rebuild it. I grew spiritually in ways I never would have if I had got married again soon. And I really needed more time to heal from my failed marriage and sort out all that happened and my responsibility in it. I needed time to realize what peace was. My list goes on and on and I realize the importance of the time God has taken to reveal me to ME....and show me all those areas I had tucked away behind a strong wall. I'm so glad God ignored my instant request to give Himself time to work on my wounds that I didn't realize I had. Now I won't lie 10 years of not having a long term relationship is a bit much to me and I was just telling my Ma that God is indeed punishing me for all the fun I had when I was young but I have no doubt He is working on my behalf. So I will say this to myself and you all trust God's process because your struggle may be leading to your next break through. He knows far better than we do what we need and even our true hearts desire. I know we like to quote all the time "Ask and you shall receive, knock and the door will be open" but we miss that part about having like minds with God so His will, will match our desires because we are so in tune with Him. Are you in tune to God's will and are you willing to trust His process?

I Just Look Like This

When I was married my husband had this phrase he would say when he felt someone thought he was easy to get over on and it would tickle me to hear him say "I just look like this here " basically saying just because I look stupid doesn't mean I am. Today as I write I want to use it differently...I look well put together...always strong...without struggles...or a care in the world...I JUST LOOK LIKE THIS...but I share the same struggles as anyone else. I have accepted the fact that God places people in my life that have similar insecurities I have had...similar struggles and questions as me...but one of the hardest thing with talking to people within these situations is convincing them we share the same battles...I JUST LOOK LIKE THIS. There was a young lady who felt her body was all she had of value to offer a man...when she first started talking to me she thought for sure I would judge her or think she was dirty but once I shared the exact same battle that I had with self image and how God showed me how valuable I am then changed my thoughts of my worth she saw hope for herself. There are so many times I have been forced to tell someone something I did in my past or went through that was embarrassing or actually held me hostage from shame in order to witness to someone who was in the same situation . One of the biggest mistakes we as Christians make is acting as if we have never done things wrong or shameful...we often come off condescending or as if we have arrived to the highest state of glory to the point we can look down on others. I personally make a point to explain my imperfect ways now and in the past. I don't do this to excuse behavior but to say we ALL are imperfect and we ALL have done things we are ashamed of. Not only that but we ALL also have struggles. The great thing is being able to know God brought me out of my ridiculous mess then and continues to revamp me as I grow. To me that is what being a Christian is about being able to use your battles that you have won to inspire someone in the same situation. So if you see me and think I'm always on top...or have it all together...or always do the right thing..etc...just remember I'm no better than you or anyone ekse.. I JUST LOOK LIKE THIS.

It's not what you go through....its how you go through.

Traveling Light

When it comes to sharing my experiences I try to talk about things from how I'm feeling at that time. If you have taken the time to read any of my past posts you know I have so many reasons to not trust or enough stuff to make anyone nuts for sure. I have had people tell me it's a wonder I like men at all but that is definitely a God gift. However one of the hardest things I fight against is baggage. There are things that trigger me wanting to put on my running shoes and take off because of so many bad experiences in relationships. One of my friends is always saying it's so hard to erase those old tapes in your head when they have been playing over and over for years. I'm sure I'm not the only one that at times feels God is having a good ole chuckle at my expense because the craziest stuff happens to me when I date...lets see there was the guy that was head over heels for me then I prayed about it to God and the next day he said he was going to ask his ex to marry him...then there was the one who loved me since we were kids but um...left me for his crazy baby momma...there was the other one that wanted to really get revenge on me because when we were kids I never gave him a chance...oh and the refuse to commit year after year one...and that is the short list from the last 3 years .I mean I swear this is the longest episode of Punkd I've ever witnessed. When I talk to my friends they don't really understand because for the most part they are all married or have men and they haven't a clue what dating is like right now in 2015. The hardest thing right now for me is not so much giving up but not being scared of the process. We all have baggage and things that we never want to do again but when so many different things happen it's hard to not wait for the shoe to fall when you meet someone. Now I'm even scared to pray the LORD IF THIS IS NOT FOR ME REMOVE HIM prayer because something major always happens and poof 99.9% are gone but that .1 is always there not moving forward or backward. My prayer today is that I don't let my circumstances and past bad experiences de-motivate me. Being in Love is an amazing gift but unfortunately  I have to keep taking a chance and maybe one day God will say I have had enough and let me experience it again but with reciprocation. Meanwhile, I pray my baggage be packed light and doesn't get so heavy I can even carry it, that my friends STOP giving me those be strong speeches or any of that because it just annoys meat this point  and the next person I like will have his baggage light enough to carry on forward.
PS God if I am missing something can you help me out here? Amen.

My SELF Esteem is Mine

In our world today we are flooded with so many different images that are labeled as beautiful. It is starting to change little by little but most pictures of beauty we see are of people with what the world labels as a perfect body...or perfect skin...perfect hair. When I was a little girl I was perfectly fine with my skin tone but I always wished for naturally straight hair that curled up when I wet it. 😊Needless to say I had to grow to love my own thick hair that no way curled neatly when I wet it. Then I went through a phase where I wanted a humongous butt with a little wasted...I learned to appreciate my mid size derrière and Im semi working on my waste.😆 As I have grown though I have gotten to a place where I loooove everything about this beautiful design God made called ME! I remember reading once how insulting it has to be to God for me to be complaining about how He made me. The next thing I realized was that not being happy completely with myself caused me to not make the best choices for myself and tolerating things I never would have if I had more SELF esteem. It wasn't an obvious lack of self esteem though...I never thought I was ugly or any but maybe not as cute as I should be. I had to learn how accept compliments without denying it by just saying thank you. I would worry about being judged by who I was dating about my weight...skin...hair...which was ridiculous. I wrote before about how when I got married my ex husband had to literally turn every light on and hide the covers before I'd let him see me nude. That poor man had to do more assuring me of my beauty that first couple of years to the point he banned anyone else to comment on it..lol I guess it was hard enough. Before my grandmother passed she had started calling me Pretty Girl...and every time I would look behind me as if someone else had to be there.  Somewhere in the mist I had to take ownership of healing my SELF esteem that I had realized was seriously broken.How did I do this? I spent a year looking on the mirror telling myself how beautiful I was and that I was beautiful and wonderfully made. I had a whole thing I would say to myself until I  believed it. Next if someone compliments me...I say....THANK YOU...I know it sounds simple..Last but most important I reminded myself constantly that God made me just like this...yes I can work out...do things to my hair...but God purposely made me this way. Taking ownership of my SELF esteem makes me only except what is best for me. If someone approaches me w things they wish I'd change I don't entertain it...No I'm not perming my hair...no I will not ever be a skinny minny...but YES you cant accept me as God designed me to be or keep walking. I wont try to prove how wonderful I am to you because I don't fit your ideal woman. Being me and comfortable with who I am is one of the best things I have grown to do.

Forgiving

It's been a while since I've had the time to write anything, and I admit I often stop because it seems no one is paying attention until someone out of the blue will ask why I haven't written anything, or will come to me and say how they love that I'm open to share such hard things. Writing has been my therapy since I was a little girl and it just comes natural for me. Today I want to talk about the importance of forgiveness. If you have read some of my past posts you know that as a child from 12-15 I was molested, at 16 I was raped, and at 28 I was raped and held hostage. These acts were all committed by someone I knew and trusted. And unfortunately have had to see repeatedly over time. One of the things people tend to ask me is how I can manage to not be angry all the time. Honestly I can only say it's God's doing because He knew if I harbored that kind of anger and resentment that I couldn't be what He needed me to be as far as witnessing to others about forgiving. Here are some misconceptions about forgiving that I myself have found to be true. First, the phrase forgive and forget is misleading. Forgive and forget doesn't mean you forget what was done or what took place it means that it doesn't have such a clutch on your spirit and heart that you live and breath that discretion to the point it consumes you. When my ex husband raped and held me hostage it took the courts two years to decide the case was worthy of a trial. In all honesty I had forgiven him long before that..it didn't make me forget what happened but I didn't spend two years reliving that night. Can you imagine how far behind I would be spiritually if I hadn't went on from that night? It was absolutely not easy and I wouldn't want to do it ever again. So when you hear forgive and forget it doesn't mean erase it from memory because there is a lesson in every trial we have. Next know when you have forgiven by how you react. Ok I'll admit forgiving is hard to do especially when someone had hurt us or our love ones...so don't think I'm the Saint of forgiveness...its hard but if we say we forgive someone then we hear their name or see them we lose our minds then likely you haven't forgave them. When I would see the person who molested me or the one who raped me and they were living fancy free and on top of that wanted to speak to me as if they hadn't done any harm I would want to use them for target practice. Now the most I think is that it's a shame they are so sick minded they see no wrong in their perverse minds. Now don't get me wrong I am not friends with them...we dont chat...and I have no words for them but I wish no harm or foul to them. It happens that both are very ill at this point in life and I have no glee in my spirit about their suffering. That has to be God because me left to my own resources would be throwing a party. Last forgiving is more for you than the person you are forgiving. I have said this often...why are we walking around all upset at this person and they are going on about their lives. Who are we really hurting here? I refuse to allow someone who has caused me pain directly to continue to have that control over me when they aren't phased one bit by it. Not to mention I'm responsible for my end and will have to give account for not doing what I was supposed to. So let's see...I'm going to be wronged...be mad and make myself miserable while they go on with life...AND get in trouble with God because I refused to forgive? Wow when I Iook at it that way it just isn't fair to me not to forgive. I wrote this hoping it reaches someone. This is not something I have mastered and I struggle with forgiving people at times so don't think I'm the queen of this topic I always have work to do. I just felt it was something we all needed to hear.

Ephesians 4:31-32 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.(attitude: loving and forgiving just like God forgave

Courthouse Miracle

Once the probation officer told me the public defender would be back the next week I began to call her....and call her AND CALL HER. I called that woman every single day for a month. I never would get anything more than her voice mail and no returned call.  How in the world will she be able to defend Caleb if she has no idea who he is? I was irritated that I had to basically have a child on punishment that did nothing wrong other than leaving his car door open. He hated not going to school. I was irritated with everyone...the schools...the attorneys...everyone and all Caleb would say is THEY ARE JUST DOING THEIR JOBS. IM NOT WORRIED IT WILL BE FINE.  I was glad he remained faithful but I was frustrated beyond measure. Finally the Thursday before our court date I randomly called expecting no answer and got her on the phone.  She was very short with me and sounded a tad agitated that I had called her so much. I even ended up telling her that I was TOLD  she is a good attorney so I am asking questions based on that not to be annoying. She got kind of quiet and asked WHEN CAN I MEET CALEB. This is where my mouth couldn't match my thoughts because all I could think of is how I had been trying to call her for a month and Caleb has been available...she was the one out of pocket! I digressed and set an appointment for 2 that Friday. The next day Ma, Caleb and I went to meet her. She was 15 minutes late, walked in talking on her cell and didn't speak nor apologize for her tardiness. She came back to the door and said Caleb's name. I stood up with Caleb and she said no just Caleb. I know my face looked funny because it took me off guard. But when she asked me WHATS THAT FACE FOR? I really was irritated. All I could think was about how Caleb represents himself  and how I didn't want to tarnish that. I let it go. About 30 minutes later she came and got me and Ma. Her attitude was a lot better which I was glad of and assumed after she talked to Caleb she knew he wasn't a thug and realized her demeanor was not necessary. She explained she basically went back on vacation when she came back from Europe which she had been gone a month...then came back for a day or two and left again for two weeks. So she was behind. I understood her position but honestly that was not my problem because my kid had court Monday. I asked her about dna she said it was irrelevant...I asked her about the other boy we had received pictures of with a gun on Instagram nope she hadn't heard of it...sigh...she really didn't know the case but she did know the law and in short said Caleb  would get the charge for possession since the gun was in the car. I explained to her how the school had even released the boy from attending Lisa because they saw the Instagram post. I asked her about the character letters and she said they were nice but his character didn't matter...just the law. I was just hurt at him possibly having to have a charge on his juvenile record. He is at a crucial planning period granted college doesn't check juvenile records but he is also considering air force and they do! But I prepared myself and my family. Right before we left the attorney asked if I could get the vice principal to come testify at the last minute. We left the office and not long after I got to my folks house the vice Principal called ME. She was irritated that the prosecutor called to ask her to testify that  Caleb had the gun. She told her that she won't ever say anything that will hurt Caleb and the gun isn't his. I asked her to please come. She agreed and met us at the court room and stayed the entire morning.We sat for about 2 hours after and the attorney finally came to get me, Arthur and Caleb and told us the prosecutor offered a deal for Caleb to get a pass where as long as he doesn't get in trouble the next year all charges will be dismissed!! No probation...no probation officer...just keep being good. THIS is the very thing Garanimals laughed in my face when I ask d her about last time we were in court. Out attorney didn't even mention it as a potential result. Everyone kept saying his character was irrelevant all that mattered was the law. But when the prosecutor stood up to announce the plea she stated that she doesn't believe it is his weapon. After the judge okayed it all and set a court date for a year from now. Caleb went and thanked the prosecutor and shook her hand..she replied I heard you are a good young man so you are welcome. When we went out Caleb's attorney said out of 15 years she had NEVER saw that happen with these kind of charges. She was shocked. I was so happy and told her it was all God. When we left I asked how Caleb felt and all he said was God told me He was allowing this to happen for a reason but He would get me out of it so I never was worried because He has ME. Amen Caleb Amen!