The Merge Part 1

I previously wrote a blog summarizing our last 6 months as a married couple and how important it is to me for people that look at our love and wish for something similar to understand the effort and constant compromise that goes into this machine called The Abernathy's. I think it is important for people to be transparent and give information that can help others if at all possible. I stated before that my husband and I met as teenagers 14 and 15 years old. We had a couple of reconnect efforts through our adulthood that didn't work because we just weren't ready for one reason or another. With that time apart he and I both have previous marriages and kids. Combined we have 4 children, 25, 21, and 8 year old boys/men and a 16 year old girl. With these kids comes 1 ex wife that we have to deal with regularly(8 yr old), and from my side an ex husband(kids bio who isn't active) and kids dad(who raised them). We don't have to have any dialogue with the 25 year olds mom because he is 25. So let me take this back to our courtship. I was not an easy person to court because unlike my first marriage I was very aware of the effort that goes into a marriage and how even more complicated it becomes with children involved. The children generally are not the issue but more so the parents. So let me say none of our challenges have been a surprise but still were a major headache from day one in addition to just getting used to each others children and how they have been reared. Let's start with my end of things. When Andre and I started to see each other this last time I had just made a decision that I no longer was going to wait on someone to love me the way I knew I deserved, but he and I were/are still good friends and co-parents. He and I had been in an on and off again for 12 years, and I was very open with my husband about that time period and how we resolved to just be friends and co parents. I knew because of the kind of person my husband is this would be a bit of a struggle for him because 1 this man is not the kids biological father and two we truly are good friends and he is present in regards to the kids. In society now it is hard for people to believe that people that get along that well would not be together so my husband has pondered why it didn't work. The biggest issue has been him feeling like my kids dad didn't have boundaries. I am not a man so I most times thought my husband was being petty BUT would definitely listen to his concerns. As a result I address my kids dad about my husbands concerns and he respects it. My husband doesn't always know that I address these things because it's usually a result of a simple mention from my husband that lets me know something bugged him but as his wife I don't ever want him to feel disrespected from anyone on my end of this relationship. I also work extra hard to be more transparent. This used to be really easy for me as a younger woman, but I have to purposely be open to divulge information without feeling controlled. In return he knows that I hate feeling boxed in and gives me space. This has helped a lot with this particular area in our marriage. It doesn't mean I always agree but I respect what my husband feels because we all know that we cant control someone elses feelings. The next thing that has been work is my teenage daughter. I smile while I type this because I just know someone is reading already feeling the struggle before I even go in detail. Our boys are pretty mellow. They do dumb stuff here and there but their disposition is pretty steady. But the only girl in the bunch is her mommas child combined with puberty. One minute she will be skipping around here laughing and playful and the next you can barely get a hello out of her. She is a daddys girl, which means she is spoiled on top of being the only girl around her age in our immediate family at home and church. Well, my husband has never lived with a teenager let alone a moody teenage 16 year old girl. She makes him nuts lol "Baby why doesn't she come out until everyone is in bed? Baby why doesn't she ever come out of her room? Why is it dark in there?" My reply is usually the same, "She is a teenage girl" There have been times my husband has felt she was disrespectful or mean to him and came to me. I always recommend us all talk and resolve, mainly because everything I say to him he feels is me taking up for her. But when she talks for herself with no prompting he knows I am not taking up for her or making excuses. They hate that I do that but that to me is the only way. The kicker is he fusses at me when I fuss at her. There is NO WINNING lol But us all talking has improved the dynamics of the household, made her more aware of his feelings and is helping him get to know her better. So now lets talk about one of my fears that caused hesitation in us moving forward when we were dating, his 8 year olds mother. I knew before he did the struggle because again she was used to certain things with him and these things were no longer going to be happening. That's the short version. With that came instant resistance to allow my husband to see his son where this was not a problem prior to him declaring our relationship. Before you ask yes she is married, and I assume happy with who she is with but when people are used to treating you a certain way they get funny when that is no longer ok. Of course I became the big bad wolf in her eyes and we had to seek legal action. The good thing is we now have concrete visits, and it truly helps to keep the peace and a reasonable amount of time with the child. I again was not surprised but definitely not used to this sort of thing anymore and I got so irritated with it all. My husband and I of course had a couple of fall outs because we both were just frustrated. I even ended up in the ER I had got so mad at it all compiled with other extended family issue I had with 180/100 bp. This is when I had to really start to pray, and my husband and I decided this wouldn't be something that we would be arguing about because it's not about anyone but his son. Since we resolved it legally any shenanigans from there were minimal and ignored, again we realize we cant change her behavior but we can change how we react to it. In reading this I hope you see a beginning pattern that we have developed to acknowledge, address and resolve things immediately. No we don't always agree but we respect each other. We also keep in perspective that our marriage comes first and how we communicate, respect and deal with each other overflows into any dilemma we have even when it comes to our precious ones. If you are a step parent you have to love your spouses kids or when the other parent is behaving badly you wont consider the overall effect it has on the child. When they themselves are acting crazy you wont care to get to the bottom of it. I can say we genuinely love each others children and have treated them as our own. That is key. The Bible says that God is our first priority then our spouse then the children. If we as husband and wife get understanding and respect each other after seeking GOD first then when we confront these issues we can be on firm ground and unified to resolve them. We also keep each other level. I hope these examples help someone. Please give feedback.

Wisely Respected

For a while now I have been doing a lot of reflecting on my upbringing and the people that played such a major part in my rearing from my grandparents that have all gone on, to my parents who still provide all of us in the family so much wisdom about life, relationships, and spiritual growth daily. If they notice something airy with any of us they will surely address it. We even have adopted the concept that we are a village and it takes a village to raise kids, it takes a village to help cheer on a solid marriage, it even takes a village to help after a divorce to help repair. Our Matriarch and Patriarch, if you will, are the wisdom extraordinaires in our village and we respect them and utilize them to the fullest. If things get to crazy my parents have been known to call whoever has lost their mind to the table, with our immediate family (grownups only) so we can all talk it out and hopefully talk some sense into the person that has somehow strayed. Even my husband has jumped right in, sometimes I have to say HEY DONT TELL THEM THAT because he is so comfortable with our dynamics he will tell it all because he knows he is on level ground and its safe. My family doesn't take sides outside of RIGHT and WRONG. This means if I'm wrong I get called out for that and have to give account for it. Even in child rearing my sister and I both do a lot of yielding to family thoughts and suggestions. I always thought for the most part this was the norm in all families. I have always respected my elders and was required to have a certain type of etiquette period when it came to dealing with people. I think society has went very wrong in dropping some of the traditions those that came before us insisted on. In the effort to make life better for our children and ourselves the result is a bunch of rude, self entitled, and non ethical people that have no respect for elders, let alone wisdom. But in the world today so many people don't want wisdom, they don't want anything that goes against what makes them FEEL good and if you know like I know wisdom doesn't always feel like a happy time. So many parents have decided saying yes ma'am and no ma'am is a slave mentality, or to ask a child to do anything for you such as get a glass of water is just down right wrong. Heaven forbid you do like my parents did and do random room checks and phone checks because then you are invading their privacy. By the way I did ALL of those things to my kids with no shame. But then we wonder why so many of our younger generation is so confused, and crazy...its because society decided to reject wisdom, and parents have decided to make their children their equals and friends instead of raising productive sensible adults. Now don't get me wrong we have all had our share of wayward moments. That is to be expected with growth but to have a good foundation has helped me even in my lowest points in life. I am so glad I was not brought up in a time where respect was optional, or where parents treated me like a little grown up. I am even happier that I people around me that gave wise sound advise. Lastly, I'm grateful to still have a direct line to that wisdom. Maybe the world as a whole should re-think this new age way because it doesn't seem to be benefitting our children nor society. Proverbs 1:7 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction.

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Imperfectly Perfect "The Abernathy's"

MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: Imperfectly Perfect "The Abernathy's": Well I am 6 months in to being a Mrs. This time last year I was smack dab in the middle of planning our wedding. I am not afraid to say that...

Imperfectly Perfect "The Abernathy's"

Well I am 6 months in to being a Mrs. This time last year I was smack dab in the middle of planning our wedding. I am not afraid to say that is a task I would never want to do again so it is a good thing this is until death do us part. The last six months has been very interesting to say the least. I think it is important to write this because I think it is so important for people that see us to know that each day is a new adventure and we too face challenges. We just make choices everyday that our marriage is worth it. One of our challenges has been me being a tad selfish. I have spent years learning how to care about myself as a priority and to not feel guilty for doing that.Prior to that I did a lot of catering to anyone I was close to, add in being a single mommy and that basically left me drained of mental energy for myself. It wasn't until my son graduated and went to college did I kick more into a SELFish mode. I bought a 6 speed sport car that basically only seats me comfortably and maybe one passenger, I moved into my apartment with only my teenage daughter and me in mind without any thought of ever having to share space outside of us two. Annnnd I finally was sleeping smack in the middle of my bed comfortably.I cooked when I wanted, made up my bed or not when I wanted, and came and went as I pleased. I was ok with me finally. As SOON as I got SELF love down pat then"here come Mistah" making me share and consider him too. For him, this is a concept he has easily mastered. He is very thoughtful in his actions most times but at times gives me the side eye because I am not so much as thoughtful as he is at times. I will cook and share most things I have with him but for example when Andre gets in bed he pulls all the covers back so we can easily both get in, but when I get in bed I pull down my side only leaving his side fully made up w decorative pillows and all. It took him 5 months to finally one day point it out and express how selfish that was. I thought he was just being overly sensitive but after days of him pointing it out and ranting " started to remember more to pull his side back too. More so he would stop fussing, but also because I could see his point after days of him exasperatedly saying "Baby LOOK you You did it again!! This is ridiculous!" It was just an unconscious action, but one I obviously need to work on so I try to remember. This is a minor difference but one of many we have had to work through. Another adjustment is our personalities that mesh well most times but just like the saying says the same thing that makes you smile will make you cry, in our relationship its more like the same thing we love is the very same thing that works our nerves about each other. For people that dont know I am a very strong personality. My life experiences had to do one of two things make me strong or break me and God saw me through to be strong. Most times my strength is admired by Andre. He loves how strong I am, and realizes my strength doesn't make him weak. But there are days he has to pull rank on me by usually saying "Hey you're off the clock, so you can stop SUPERVISING now". I try to not be bossy but it is second nature for me. In most cases Andre ignores it unless its something he cares about, then he says no. I usually pout a bit but I get over it. Andre is such a sweetheart to me and gives me compliments and lots of affection. I always would feel bad that no one ever wondered if I was ok, or if I took time to eat or checked on me period. Andre does that and I make him nuts with that too. lol I am not used to "checking in" so I forget to say I made it usually until I have been wherever for about an hour. Another thing that often causes us to side eye each other is we have different ways of looking at almost every important scenario. Part of it is how we were raised an part of it is things we have experienced in our pasts so we have a bag full of emotional luggage that we are slowly unpacking the more time that passes. Lastly, I have 2 kids from a previous marriage but there is also the man who raised them that they acknowledge as their dad that I was in a very complicated relationship with for over a decade. Then he has 2 kids from a previous marriage and a previous relationship. Reading those last two sentences should give you a good idea of the challenges there. Oh and believe there are challenges! Then add we are over 40 and both set in our ways! People see us in pictures and think oooh they are cute, and WE ARE SO FREAKIN CUTE! I agree! And our happiness and love are real.I don't want to be like a lot of couples that display perfection, meanwhile they are acting a fool in REAL LIFE. I like people to know the real of any relationship is great Godly foundation and 100% from both people. Everyday we face different challenges. Andre works alllll my nerves some days and I turn around and work alllll of his nerves the other days but we are blessed with wisdom from previous relationships gone wrong, real love for each other, a true friendship, great counselors that have our best interest in mind and most of all our spirituality to help us get through each situation. Although we are far from perfect we are imperfectly perfect for each other and I wouldn't have it any other way. Thank you Andre for putting up with me, AND You're Welcome!

WHOA! I Kept Going

It's no secret that I have had a very busy year. I don't do a lot of sharing of my personal life other than the pictures of my family, my husband and an occasional shout out to a love one or a flirty note to my honey. But it has been really busy especially the last 90 days or so. The obvious is I got married. Andre and I have a combination of 4 kids total 25, 20, 15 and 8.Three boys and one 15 year old girl. That dynamic alone is interesting to say the least. Andre has had to get used to how teenage girls behave and getting along with my kids dad. I have had to get used to a little person in the house and,although we have never met, being civilized with his youngest child's mom.We are getting used to sharing space with each other and disagreeing in a way that is productive for us when it is all calm again. That has basically been my life until about a month ago. Things escalated a bit in our household to where we had to be more aggressive about some things and we had to spend unnecessary money which anyone that knows me knows I hate spending money but I did some fussing and kept going as usual. Then my parents called me about one of my little cousins that had been very sick battling diabetes and it was not looking like she was going to make it. I kept going. On top of all of that this was the year for the Semi Annual Womens All Night Prayer Retreat and I had not put everything all together for it or even felt confident in the material. I kept going. So on Thanksgiving weekend we were told that my cousin was non responsive and they made the decision to remove her very young 33 year old self from life support and let her go in a peaceful way. The day of myself and as many family and friends that could handle it stayed in the room with her until she went. I have NEVER done that before but I just didn't feel right leaving the room. I kept going. The following week on Friday I lead the All Night Prayer Retreat from 10p-4a went home took a nap and went to my cousins funeral at 11 that I also had to sing at. I kept going. The next week Andre and I got some resolve and actually a win in our situation but I ended up blowing up about the way things were handled or agreed to. I kept going. For about a week I started to feel a bit out of it,my heart was racing and my blood pressure was higher than normal.I hadn't been sleeping near enough because there was so much going on, on top of my husband working nights I was restless. Finally, on a Thursday I called my Dad after Andre left for work and told him how I was feeling. After we went back and forth about my symptoms he told me to go to the ER. Long story short I got to the ER and my bp was 180/101. WHOA!!! That night I stayed at the hospital for some hours with my mom, daughter and friend until my bp went down. This is when it hit me how much I had dealt with and suppressed over the last couple of weeks and how much better I needed to do in taking a break,and dealing with whatever was happening. Then I needed to rest from dealing with it. Anyone that knows me would describe me as a strong person. I wouldn't disagree with that too much,but I would disagree with the fact that people don't believe strong people need a break or time to regroup. Not only do others not realize it, neither do the strong people aka me. But seeing my blood pressure that high and thinking I would have to take medicine, or even worse have a stroke, really reminded me of the fact that I do need breaks and have to force in relaxation, and exercise more. Great thing is no meds, and Andre and I exercising together on top of me cutting my salt intake down has lowered my blood pressure to a normal number. God reminded me that I am not invincible and my peace mentally and spiritually directly effects me physically. I can't just keep going and stuff things away. And I definitely can not go without God's guidance and peace. I am not sure who needs to read this to know even the strongest people struggle with emotions and frustrations. I say to you an myself TAKE TIME FOR YOU to rest, heal, and pray. That is the only way to KEEP GOING.

Fearless Power

My family went on our summer vacation a few weeks back to Biloxi. This was the first trip with my fiance' and my niece so it was very exciting. I came back joking about how I almost drowned in the Ocean after getting thrown off of a jet ski. Recently, I have been mulling over the verse "God has not given us the spirit of fear, but He has given us power!"I tied that verse this week in to my experience out there in the water. Anyone that knows me knows that I am scared of large bodies of water and heights but in the last two years my family has managed to get me to fly in an airplane and most recently adventure out on a jet ski in water that I could not touch the bottom with my feet. Now initially I was not going to go. My fiance had even expressed his concern with me going. But I was in a "live a little" mood so I said ok I will give it a try. I talked myself through it because my son is a deep water certified life guard and I can swim. I knew he would take it easy with me because he knew I was scared and if I was going to trust anyone it was going to be him to rescue me. So I watch my sister and daughter ride a bit, and initially my son and nephew on the water. They were all doing ok. So now it was my turn. I get on and Caleb(my son) tells me to lock my hands around his waist. We are flowing through pretty easy. I am nervous but calm. We made our first lap and it was all ok. We made round two casually chatting and when we went to turn we got thrown off of the jet ski. I went under water and felt nothing. I had enough sense to swim up but once I got my head above water I was terrified of all of the things that could go wrong. My son was reaching for me telling me to trust him and grab his hand. I wouldn't do that because I was terrified he couldn't pull me and all I kept thinking was he is just a kid. Then he started to try to coach me and remind me that I can swim and I started crying because I didn't trust my swimming either. I tried to pull up onto the jet ski and it kept dipping into the water so I was afraid it would flip over. At this point Caleb is really frustrated that I didn't trust him enough to at least reach out to him. I froze holding on to the back of the jet ski screaming DON'T LET ME DIE!!! Finally, one of the workers in the ski place came and asked did we need help, and I said yes. Caleb began to tell him that he can help me I am just panicking. Eventually, they got me back on and I made a b-line for the shore! Today I was reflecting on that day and how I let fear take my power away. I could swim...I had a trained life guard there...and I had on a life jacket, but I was so afraid I didn't use any of the tools I had. WOW!!! Isn't that how the devil tricks us with fear??? We have the power of the Holy Spirit and a direct line to God through Jesus and we will let our own fears make us NOT utilize our power! Caleb is a good example of Jesus reaching out to us saying take my hand I have the skills and tools you need but instead of taking His hand we stay in that deep water stagnant and frozen in our situation. The part I left out was when they guy came to help he could stand in the water. So even though it was deeper than my height I have swam in water way deeper before with no problem but by this time I was frantic with what? FEAR! How many times has God brought us through something and then the very next thing that happens we panic and forget that if He could deliver us out of far worse situations then He definitely can handle the simplest of them. What the devil does though is whisper that fear in and convinces you that all things are hopeless and you are powerless. He is an eloquent liar and unfortunately we often fall for it. After it was all said and done my son just shook his head at me and I had to even laugh at myself because I had behaved badly but I learned a great lesson of why that verse is so important and more than just a cliche we use. The power that God gives us exceeds any issue or problem we may have if we use it. Don't forget about your power and most definitely don't forget to use them even when you may be afraid.

A Fancy or a Feeling?

Anyone who knows me knows that one of my favorite movies to watch over and over is Sense and Sensibility. I even referenced it before in one of my blogs. The movie is a story of 4 women who lost the head of the family and during these times he could only leave his inheritance to his son. At the beginning of the movie he begs the son to take care of his sisters and their mother(which wasn't his mom) while he is on his death bed. Long story short the son didn't do what he promised and they were left on their own. The movie describes their struggles of living without near as much income, and finding love. The younger sister was a lot more passionate in regards to expressing her feelings compared to her older more reserved sister. She was questioning her sisters feelings for the man she desired and in her rant she asked her "Is love a fancy or a feeling!?" I love that sentence in the movie. I took it as can you take or leave him whenever, or do you truly desire this person to be in your life beyond on a whim. The last time I wrote I was in a weird place in my love life. I had been dating someone from my past and was really unsure where it was going to lead. Thinking back on it I was super guarded because I was honestly worn out from the whole dating scene. I had been dating someone that would do anything for me EXCEPT commit for 13 years! I tried dating other people but failed miserably at it. In 2017, I decided I was perfectly happy with myself! I loved sleeping smack dead in the middle of my king size bed. I didn't have to give account to anyone when I wanted to hang out or go somewhere. I was a happy bachelorette. It took me up until that point to get there, but I was happy with who I was and decided I was not willing to settle just to have a body laying next to me. Right when I make up my mind to be happy here comes this man from my past wanting to date me and really be with me. I didn't believe him so I really was dismissive and not the easiest to deal with. I thought he was one of those guys that see you are a good woman and even though they aren't ready they know they SHOULD be with you. We were nine months in before I truly started to take him seriously. NINE MONTHS! I guess he figured he needed a lot of help with me because in the mist of that he re-dedicated his life to Christ, got baptized again and STILL found time to complete my list of things he needed to do to be with me. Then one day it was like God himself whispered my prayer in my ear and showed me this man was my prayer answered. At first I thought maybe I was regretting that prayer and needed a re-do. The more I pondered it, the more God reminded me of that prayer. I realized that I was rejecting the possibility because I had got conditioned to what I had been dealing with for years.I wasn't used to someone openly showing me affection.The lack of those things was the very reason I prayed for those specific things in my prayer for my mate.I missed them. Things like random I love yous, kisses, compliments, wanting to spend time with me and talk to me, and TRANSPARENCY!!! I will admit God had to really work with me. He remained persistent and finally one day said, "Sharhonda I am not going to stop pursuing you until you tell me that there is no chance you want me." I was and have to admit still a bit afraid to trust someone else and I was REALLY happy in my singleness finally in a way I never thought was possible. I also realize relationships are a lot of work. IT is so much more than a "fancy"! So much communication, and compromise goes into it. It's deeper than lust could ever be. I kept telling him "I JUST DON'T WANT TO DO ANY WORK!" I was totally in a selfish mode and being with someone is a selfless act. I had to make up my mind although I was happy with me did I want to grow old alone? Did I want to reject a possibility because of my past experiences? Plus, this is a good guy do I REALLY want to reject that? And lastly... Did I love him enough to make a real go of being in a relationship? I realized I really love this man. I am not sure how that happened in the mist of me fighting tooth and nail along the way.(again poor man!) I mean I gave him the blues! I don't know if it was his tender way of dealing with me, his respect for me no matter what, his persistence or how safe and covered I felt with him but I truly loved him. I think it was his renewed spirit that drew me in, because no way would have the patience he has with me without that. We started dating again in April and began officially dating December 2017 and were engaged by March 2018 AND getting married in September 2018. I am about to be a MRS!!! I am shocked myself and to link up with my first love I ever had again in my 40's is totally a surprise. There God goes again answering my prayers in a totally unexpected way.God is something else! So what I have learned is when I pray and get the answer to that prayer accept it! God said yes and my crazy self said no for 9 months! That is long enough to bring forth life yawl! God brought forth a new life for me without me even realizing that was what was going on! I guess that is why I am admittedly an IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN.