A Fancy or a Feeling?

Anyone who knows me knows that one of my favorite movies to watch over and over is Sense and Sensibility. I even referenced it before in one of my blogs. The movie is a story of 4 women who lost the head of the family and during these times he could only leave his inheritance to his son. At the beginning of the movie he begs the son to take care of his sisters and their mother(which wasn't his mom) while he is on his death bed. Long story short the son didn't do what he promised and they were left on their own. The movie describes their struggles of living without near as much income, and finding love. The younger sister was a lot more passionate in regards to expressing her feelings compared to her older more reserved sister. She was questioning her sisters feelings for the man she desired and in her rant she asked her "Is love a fancy or a feeling!?" I love that sentence in the movie. I took it as can you take or leave him whenever, or do you truly desire this person to be in your life beyond on a whim. The last time I wrote I was in a weird place in my love life. I had been dating someone from my past and was really unsure where it was going to lead. Thinking back on it I was super guarded because I was honestly worn out from the whole dating scene. I had been dating someone that would do anything for me EXCEPT commit for 13 years! I tried dating other people but failed miserably at it. In 2017, I decided I was perfectly happy with myself! I loved sleeping smack dead in the middle of my king size bed. I didn't have to give account to anyone when I wanted to hang out or go somewhere. I was a happy bachelorette. It took me up until that point to get there, but I was happy with who I was and decided I was not willing to settle just to have a body laying next to me. Right when I make up my mind to be happy here comes this man from my past wanting to date me and really be with me. I didn't believe him so I really was dismissive and not the easiest to deal with. I thought he was one of those guys that see you are a good woman and even though they aren't ready they know they SHOULD be with you. We were nine months in before I truly started to take him seriously. NINE MONTHS! I guess he figured he needed a lot of help with me because in the mist of that he re-dedicated his life to Christ, got baptized again and STILL found time to complete my list of things he needed to do to be with me. Then one day it was like God himself whispered my prayer in my ear and showed me this man was my prayer answered. At first I thought maybe I was regretting that prayer and needed a re-do. The more I pondered it, the more God reminded me of that prayer. I realized that I was rejecting the possibility because I had got conditioned to what I had been dealing with for years.I wasn't used to someone openly showing me affection.The lack of those things was the very reason I prayed for those specific things in my prayer for my mate.I missed them. Things like random I love yous, kisses, compliments, wanting to spend time with me and talk to me, and TRANSPARENCY!!! I will admit God had to really work with me. He remained persistent and finally one day said, "Sharhonda I am not going to stop pursuing you until you tell me that there is no chance you want me." I was and have to admit still a bit afraid to trust someone else and I was REALLY happy in my singleness finally in a way I never thought was possible. I also realize relationships are a lot of work. IT is so much more than a "fancy"! So much communication, and compromise goes into it. It's deeper than lust could ever be. I kept telling him "I JUST DON'T WANT TO DO ANY WORK!" I was totally in a selfish mode and being with someone is a selfless act. I had to make up my mind although I was happy with me did I want to grow old alone? Did I want to reject a possibility because of my past experiences? Plus, this is a good guy do I REALLY want to reject that? And lastly... Did I love him enough to make a real go of being in a relationship? I realized I really love this man. I am not sure how that happened in the mist of me fighting tooth and nail along the way.(again poor man!) I mean I gave him the blues! I don't know if it was his tender way of dealing with me, his respect for me no matter what, his persistence or how safe and covered I felt with him but I truly loved him. I think it was his renewed spirit that drew me in, because no way would have the patience he has with me without that. We started dating again in April and began officially dating December 2017 and were engaged by March 2018 AND getting married in September 2018. I am about to be a MRS!!! I am shocked myself and to link up with my first love I ever had again in my 40's is totally a surprise. There God goes again answering my prayers in a totally unexpected way.God is something else! So what I have learned is when I pray and get the answer to that prayer accept it! God said yes and my crazy self said no for 9 months! That is long enough to bring forth life yawl! God brought forth a new life for me without me even realizing that was what was going on! I guess that is why I am admittedly an IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN.