God Pause

Anyone that knows me knows it is no secret that I can be a very impatient person. At one point I did a prayer for patience, which by the way I will NOT do again, and that is when I realized how impatient I was. I can honestly say that I have grown a lot in this area and I am far more patient than I used to be especially in regards to my personal life, and believe me there are lots of things I could be impatient about in that area.  I tell people that I use 90% of my patience on my kids and family so tread lightly. J The thing that is most interesting about God though is His sense of time is NOWHERE near ours, but He still manages to still ALWAYS be right on time. It’s tedious and amazing all at once. Through different times in my life I have noticed periods that seemed like absolutely nothing was moving forward. It drove me nuts! I would aimlessly pray and beg for God to have mercy which now I realize translated into “GOD CAN YOU HURRY UP I DON’T WANT TO WAIT ANYMORE FOR THE PLAN I HAVE FOR ME!” I, most times ,don’t stop to think initially how God has a plan that will exceed my own and in all honesty one that I would rather Him carry out.  God is so awesome in my life. He knows just when to press a pause on my life.  I find over and over that God pushing pause is not to stop things at all…but so that things can go forward the way He plans for my life. I love Him for that. So when it seems that God is not moving things along the way you think He should…chances are it’s not time or He has something better in store for you. God knows the desires of our hearts even when we have forgotten them, or dismissed them. Trust Him.

They that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up on wings as eagles. They shall walk and not be weary. They shall run and not faint. Teach me Lord…how to wait.  AMEN.

Re-Record

All of us have a certain amount of baggage that comes with us from past experiences and situations. We would be lying to ourselves if we believed that things that have happened haven’t shaped us in some kind of way. It could be anything from being in abusive relationships to trust issues or fears of rejections….there are so many things that happen to us and a lot of the times we don’t even realize the real effects until long after we are out of the situation. I myself have experienced where I have to remind myself that one situation has nothing to do with another and that everyone deserves a fresh start. Thoughts of doubt will creep in and tell us that we don’t deserve any better or its always going to be the same thing over and over. I have a friend that always says that we have to re-record another tape to play in our heads that is filled with positive thoughts and second chances to get it right. I have learned that having self destructive thoughts is not something that God intends for us to do. That He brings forth life to us…new beginnings…and a fresh way of doing things…so anything that is the opposite of that is not of God. Press re-record on that tape that is playing in your head so that you can walk into the blessings God has for you.

STAND

From the time I was 12-15 I was molested by my step dad. I had pretty much become numb to the entire situation. I had decided that I would just do my best to make it until I was 18 because in my brain I didn’t want to mess up my mom’s happiness. I’ll never forget going to school on Valentine’s Day 1991 I showed up at school in all black from head to toe. I didn’t even bother combing my hair. I just threw on a black head band and brushed my hair straight back. For some people that wouldn’t be too out of the ordinary but for someone who LOVES Valentine’s Day it was extremely out of my normal behavior. I was in a serious fog that day. I remember just having a blank look on my face while everyone else was happy about candy and balloons and candy grams. I wasn’t fazed a bit.  The night before was the last time my step dad would be able to violate me the way that he had for the last three years, and I didn’t even know it. One of my best friends from the time I was 10 saw me and instantly knew what was wrong…. He knew all about the things that were happening to me and even though he wanted me to tell someone what was going on I had sworn him to secrecy.  He would stay on the phone with me late many nights when I was scared that night would be another night my step dad would come to “visit” me in my sleep. On this particular day he got really frustrated with me not wanting to go tell anyone what happened. I guess he couldn’t deal with seeing me so upset.  We had this exchange back and forth that ended with him saying he would not continue to talk to me if I didn’t tell anyone because he couldn’t take seeing me that way anymore. Well… if you have paid attention to anything I have written before or know me you know that I am super stubborn. I was scared to tell anyone…I didn’t know what would happen…I was embarrassed and ashamed for so many reasons that til this day I haven’t told anyone…and I didn’t think anyone would listen and what would happen once my then step dad knew I told. I had so many fears running through my head…and I resented him for trying to push me into something so hard to do.
I told him that it was fine if he didn’t talk to me again. He looked a bit stunned at first but he regrouped and said ok and walked off. I couldn’t believe he just walked off! The first thing I thought was that he didn’t care about me or he wouldn’t pressure me to tell anyone….and he should just respect my choice because it’s me in the situation not him. The NERVE! What I didn’t realize was how much I relied on his friendship to keep me sane through all I was going through.  We had known each other since we were 10 and even though we were just 15 at the time 5 years is a long time for kids to be friends. The entire day when I saw him we just looked and didn’t speak at all. I remember my other classmates asking what was wrong with us because they knew it was weird for he and I not to talk and play with each other through the day. I acted like it didn’t bother me that we weren’t talking, but I felt horrible the entire day. One day felt like forever….I barely slept that night but I made up my mind I would give in. I went straight and told him the next day that I would tell but he had to be with me because I was scared. He gave me a hug that instantly made me feel like it was all going to be ok. We went to a teacher first and she reported it to the office and sent me to the counselor right away. He stayed with me the entire time…even when they tried to send him back to class he stayed until I said it was ok for him to leave…which was when my mom got there. To this day we are the best of friends and he has no clue that 15 year old boy refusing to agree to keep silent saved my life and I will love him forever for that. I’m so thankful God had him there strong for me when I couldn’t be strong for myself. I learned early that sometimes we have to be strong for each other, and sometimes that means saying no to someone and taking a stand that is not comfortable for us. We often think saying yes or going along shows our love for someone but that is not the case and it’s not always what is best for them. God says no to us all the time an in the end it’s for our good. This time was for my good.  Next time you know you should say no to someone for their own good whether it be someone that is an addict,  or even someone In the situation I was in where there is abuse..don’t think of it as not loving them or doing them wrong…you may be saving their life.

Is My Praying in Vain

It’s been a while since I wrote anything, not necessarily because I didn't have plenty going on. I just didn't really have a way to verbalize it. I also have kind of been going through a spell of “Am I praying in Vain, HOW long must I wait for what seem simple requests?” I felt bad for feeling this way and didn't really feel it would be a good thing to write about, but God reminded me that my blog is called, Memoirs of an Imperfect Christian for a reason. J  For at least five years I have been praying over my relationship because I truly want a husband and at least one more child but it seems no matter what we get to a certain point and there is yet another obstacle or excuse to overcome or keeping us from going to that level.  I have also started to pursue other options in my career and it seems those doors are being slammed in my face as well.  I started to feel very discouraged and very frustrated about it all. Meanwhile seems as always everyone is getting new engagement rings and promotions while I am just stuck in a bubble.  I started to think maybe God just ignoring me or saying no to everything I asked because He doesn't think I deserve that kind of love.  I sulked inwardly for a few days reminding God that in His Word it states, “It’s better to marry than to burn”, does he want me to burn! I did this for a while before God whispered to my spirit, “I know the desires of your heart and WHAT and WHO you need and will suit you best. Hold on a little longer.” I breathed a deep sigh of relief and although I am still a bit tired of it all I know that at least God has not forgotten me.  I know that I am not the only one that has ever felt this way. That God is putting your prayers at the bottom of the pile.  It’s very hard to not lose heart during this time. I know God can do all things beyond what my finite mind could possibly imagine but every so often I wonder will He do it for me. I am so thankful that God reminds me that He is still working on my behalf, and has not forgotten me. He has gave me a new peace of letting go of certain things knowing that what I may see as a loss, eventually will be a gain that only God could orchestrate.  I had to let go of trying to have any control and except things for what they are in regards to both things. As hard as it was to do that I felt like such a burden was lifted because I am not trying to make things happen either way…I am doing my best to see what God is going to do on my behalf.

Psalms 55:16-17

Projecting Positivity

My mom used to have this DIVA group  a few years back that would meet monthly and talk over topics and do projects as you can call it. Oh and of course EAT! J My mom had this great idea for an assignment for us. I use the word great in the most sarcastic fashion possible. The way the assignment was presented was ways to get our men/husbands to change their horrible ways. Of course we were all down with that, because we all had some things that annoyed the snot out of us about our mates. We had no idea we were being tricked and bamboozled. The first assignment was for us to tell our mates that we love them and appreciate them choosing us to be the women in their lives. Then the next thing was to not say a negative word to or about our mates to anyone else for thirty days. Last we had to do something or say something nice every day for a week specifically for or with our spouse. Ok…now I know you all don’t know all of my friends and the women that were in the group but I must say this scared the snot out of our mates. Almost every single one, with the exception of the newlyweds in the group and my mom, mates asked what was wrong? Mine asked was I dying or something? My mom pointed out that it was an absolute SHAME that our mates thought something was wrong because we were being nice to them. I have to admit I was shocked at how surprised mine was that I was being so nice. I felt kind of bad…..not much but kind of. We even had one woman say she can’t be nice that long to her husband because he purposely agitates her. She didn’t make it through the thirty days of Project Love.  LOL We were a mess. By the end of this experiment we all realized that this  had nothing to do with changing our mates….but changing ourselves!!! Go figure. After the initial shock our mates did indeed start to respond differently to us but above all things our actions and responses changed.  Could it be that we may have been a big part of the issue all along? Isnt that the way life is a lot of the time? We go through blaming others for how we react to them, or for our lack of happiness. We often speak of how someone MADE us behave that way. The real deal is that we control how we act and that is it. We can’t change anyone else or how they act but we indeed can change how we behave and react to others. Although this project was a real pain and sheer trickery on my mom’s part it taught me how positive actions often get a positive response.

Fools and Babies

I remember when my son Caleb was 2 years old or so my husband, me and the kids were headed out when someone ran smack into us. The impact was very hard and shocking. Add to that I had never been in a car where the air bag deployed. If you have ever had the experience it can be real frightening when it pops out there is a loud noise in the mist of that smoke comes out. I remember seeing all of that and thinking the car was about to explode. I started screaming, “MY BABY!!!!” I jumped out, opened the back door, and yanked Caleb right out of that car seat and took out to running as fast as I could. Keep in mind there were three other people in the car with me and Caleb that not only did I not think about, but made no effort of any kind to worry about if they were safe until it was clear me and Caleb were. My husband jokingly stated how I obviously didn’t care about anyone else in the car but me and Caleb. My reply basically was that was my baby and he was helpless, they were big enough to fend for themselves!  Caleb had no idea what was going on. As a matter of fact that little boy slept through the whole drama including me screaming and yanking him out of the seat. He didn’t wake up until I started to call his name once I stopped running because I then was worried that maybe he was unconscious.  He didn’t miss a beat! I always worried if my child was in danger if I would have the nerve to go in for him. I learned that day even though I thought the car was about to blow up I wanted to get him to safety with me. Being a momma brought a lot of things out of me I never would have thought I had. Survival for me took a different turn to where I was not only responsible for my well being but my child’s well being above myself.  WOW! I have to admit a big part of my leaving and divorcing my husband was the kids and if I truly wanted them to grow up in that environment and the affects it could have on them if I stayed. I loved him so I probably would have tried to stay if it weren’t for them. Even now in my relationship I am conscious of how our actions could affect our children later. From the time they are born you spend the rest of your life trying to make sure they are ok. Magnify that love times a number we can’t even imagine and that is God’s love for us. He takes care of us when we haven’t a clue what is going on and covers us from all harm that we see and that we don’t see.  That is beyond awesome. I remember a saying my both my grannys would use….”God takes care of fools and babies”  I’m so glad of that because I am well beyond being a baby. J

Gone

 

You said you would not hurt me again…but here I am with tears running down my face because you are saying there is no place…for me

You call me a friend, a spiritual counselor and a beautiful woman inside and out..but obviously that kind of beauty is not appealing to you

You told me I needed to smile more and lighten my face and I did but the same way you helped me to smile you helped me to frown

I mean am I suppose to smile through this pain, and laugh at this gut wrenching yank I have felt from you and your shanagans

Maybe if I wasn’t so busy smiling and laughing I would have noticed all of the things that were false that I thought were true

Maybe if I was so busy trying to show how worthy an great I was I would have noticed that all the time you were saying not for you.

I walked blindly adding year by year inspite of the tears and pain, I would forgive and let go again again and….again

Something must have been wrong with me right, I mean who tries to convince a person that love truly exists by being there for them

I must have been crazy by thinking my sacrifice of my body, time, and heart would be enough for you….

Now you look at me with eyes of boredom, and at times as if you wish I didn’t exist but when I look at you…oh when I look at you

All you see if love, care, and bliss..because you are the one I thought loved me, and cherished me for who I am was I wrong

Obviously so..because now..you are just gone.