The Merge Part 1

I previously wrote a blog summarizing our last 6 months as a married couple and how important it is to me for people that look at our love and wish for something similar to understand the effort and constant compromise that goes into this machine called The Abernathy's. I think it is important for people to be transparent and give information that can help others if at all possible. I stated before that my husband and I met as teenagers 14 and 15 years old. We had a couple of reconnect efforts through our adulthood that didn't work because we just weren't ready for one reason or another. With that time apart he and I both have previous marriages and kids. Combined we have 4 children, 25, 21, and 8 year old boys/men and a 16 year old girl. With these kids comes 1 ex wife that we have to deal with regularly(8 yr old), and from my side an ex husband(kids bio who isn't active) and kids dad(who raised them). We don't have to have any dialogue with the 25 year olds mom because he is 25. So let me take this back to our courtship. I was not an easy person to court because unlike my first marriage I was very aware of the effort that goes into a marriage and how even more complicated it becomes with children involved. The children generally are not the issue but more so the parents. So let me say none of our challenges have been a surprise but still were a major headache from day one in addition to just getting used to each others children and how they have been reared. Let's start with my end of things. When Andre and I started to see each other this last time I had just made a decision that I no longer was going to wait on someone to love me the way I knew I deserved, but he and I were/are still good friends and co-parents. He and I had been in an on and off again for 12 years, and I was very open with my husband about that time period and how we resolved to just be friends and co parents. I knew because of the kind of person my husband is this would be a bit of a struggle for him because 1 this man is not the kids biological father and two we truly are good friends and he is present in regards to the kids. In society now it is hard for people to believe that people that get along that well would not be together so my husband has pondered why it didn't work. The biggest issue has been him feeling like my kids dad didn't have boundaries. I am not a man so I most times thought my husband was being petty BUT would definitely listen to his concerns. As a result I address my kids dad about my husbands concerns and he respects it. My husband doesn't always know that I address these things because it's usually a result of a simple mention from my husband that lets me know something bugged him but as his wife I don't ever want him to feel disrespected from anyone on my end of this relationship. I also work extra hard to be more transparent. This used to be really easy for me as a younger woman, but I have to purposely be open to divulge information without feeling controlled. In return he knows that I hate feeling boxed in and gives me space. This has helped a lot with this particular area in our marriage. It doesn't mean I always agree but I respect what my husband feels because we all know that we cant control someone elses feelings. The next thing that has been work is my teenage daughter. I smile while I type this because I just know someone is reading already feeling the struggle before I even go in detail. Our boys are pretty mellow. They do dumb stuff here and there but their disposition is pretty steady. But the only girl in the bunch is her mommas child combined with puberty. One minute she will be skipping around here laughing and playful and the next you can barely get a hello out of her. She is a daddys girl, which means she is spoiled on top of being the only girl around her age in our immediate family at home and church. Well, my husband has never lived with a teenager let alone a moody teenage 16 year old girl. She makes him nuts lol "Baby why doesn't she come out until everyone is in bed? Baby why doesn't she ever come out of her room? Why is it dark in there?" My reply is usually the same, "She is a teenage girl" There have been times my husband has felt she was disrespectful or mean to him and came to me. I always recommend us all talk and resolve, mainly because everything I say to him he feels is me taking up for her. But when she talks for herself with no prompting he knows I am not taking up for her or making excuses. They hate that I do that but that to me is the only way. The kicker is he fusses at me when I fuss at her. There is NO WINNING lol But us all talking has improved the dynamics of the household, made her more aware of his feelings and is helping him get to know her better. So now lets talk about one of my fears that caused hesitation in us moving forward when we were dating, his 8 year olds mother. I knew before he did the struggle because again she was used to certain things with him and these things were no longer going to be happening. That's the short version. With that came instant resistance to allow my husband to see his son where this was not a problem prior to him declaring our relationship. Before you ask yes she is married, and I assume happy with who she is with but when people are used to treating you a certain way they get funny when that is no longer ok. Of course I became the big bad wolf in her eyes and we had to seek legal action. The good thing is we now have concrete visits, and it truly helps to keep the peace and a reasonable amount of time with the child. I again was not surprised but definitely not used to this sort of thing anymore and I got so irritated with it all. My husband and I of course had a couple of fall outs because we both were just frustrated. I even ended up in the ER I had got so mad at it all compiled with other extended family issue I had with 180/100 bp. This is when I had to really start to pray, and my husband and I decided this wouldn't be something that we would be arguing about because it's not about anyone but his son. Since we resolved it legally any shenanigans from there were minimal and ignored, again we realize we cant change her behavior but we can change how we react to it. In reading this I hope you see a beginning pattern that we have developed to acknowledge, address and resolve things immediately. No we don't always agree but we respect each other. We also keep in perspective that our marriage comes first and how we communicate, respect and deal with each other overflows into any dilemma we have even when it comes to our precious ones. If you are a step parent you have to love your spouses kids or when the other parent is behaving badly you wont consider the overall effect it has on the child. When they themselves are acting crazy you wont care to get to the bottom of it. I can say we genuinely love each others children and have treated them as our own. That is key. The Bible says that God is our first priority then our spouse then the children. If we as husband and wife get understanding and respect each other after seeking GOD first then when we confront these issues we can be on firm ground and unified to resolve them. We also keep each other level. I hope these examples help someone. Please give feedback.

Wisely Respected

For a while now I have been doing a lot of reflecting on my upbringing and the people that played such a major part in my rearing from my grandparents that have all gone on, to my parents who still provide all of us in the family so much wisdom about life, relationships, and spiritual growth daily. If they notice something airy with any of us they will surely address it. We even have adopted the concept that we are a village and it takes a village to raise kids, it takes a village to help cheer on a solid marriage, it even takes a village to help after a divorce to help repair. Our Matriarch and Patriarch, if you will, are the wisdom extraordinaires in our village and we respect them and utilize them to the fullest. If things get to crazy my parents have been known to call whoever has lost their mind to the table, with our immediate family (grownups only) so we can all talk it out and hopefully talk some sense into the person that has somehow strayed. Even my husband has jumped right in, sometimes I have to say HEY DONT TELL THEM THAT because he is so comfortable with our dynamics he will tell it all because he knows he is on level ground and its safe. My family doesn't take sides outside of RIGHT and WRONG. This means if I'm wrong I get called out for that and have to give account for it. Even in child rearing my sister and I both do a lot of yielding to family thoughts and suggestions. I always thought for the most part this was the norm in all families. I have always respected my elders and was required to have a certain type of etiquette period when it came to dealing with people. I think society has went very wrong in dropping some of the traditions those that came before us insisted on. In the effort to make life better for our children and ourselves the result is a bunch of rude, self entitled, and non ethical people that have no respect for elders, let alone wisdom. But in the world today so many people don't want wisdom, they don't want anything that goes against what makes them FEEL good and if you know like I know wisdom doesn't always feel like a happy time. So many parents have decided saying yes ma'am and no ma'am is a slave mentality, or to ask a child to do anything for you such as get a glass of water is just down right wrong. Heaven forbid you do like my parents did and do random room checks and phone checks because then you are invading their privacy. By the way I did ALL of those things to my kids with no shame. But then we wonder why so many of our younger generation is so confused, and crazy...its because society decided to reject wisdom, and parents have decided to make their children their equals and friends instead of raising productive sensible adults. Now don't get me wrong we have all had our share of wayward moments. That is to be expected with growth but to have a good foundation has helped me even in my lowest points in life. I am so glad I was not brought up in a time where respect was optional, or where parents treated me like a little grown up. I am even happier that I people around me that gave wise sound advise. Lastly, I'm grateful to still have a direct line to that wisdom. Maybe the world as a whole should re-think this new age way because it doesn't seem to be benefitting our children nor society. Proverbs 1:7 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction.