God Pause

Anyone that knows me knows it is no secret that I can be a very impatient person. At one point I did a prayer for patience, which by the way I will NOT do again, and that is when I realized how impatient I was. I can honestly say that I have grown a lot in this area and I am far more patient than I used to be especially in regards to my personal life, and believe me there are lots of things I could be impatient about in that area.  I tell people that I use 90% of my patience on my kids and family so tread lightly. J The thing that is most interesting about God though is His sense of time is NOWHERE near ours, but He still manages to still ALWAYS be right on time. It’s tedious and amazing all at once. Through different times in my life I have noticed periods that seemed like absolutely nothing was moving forward. It drove me nuts! I would aimlessly pray and beg for God to have mercy which now I realize translated into “GOD CAN YOU HURRY UP I DON’T WANT TO WAIT ANYMORE FOR THE PLAN I HAVE FOR ME!” I, most times ,don’t stop to think initially how God has a plan that will exceed my own and in all honesty one that I would rather Him carry out.  God is so awesome in my life. He knows just when to press a pause on my life.  I find over and over that God pushing pause is not to stop things at all…but so that things can go forward the way He plans for my life. I love Him for that. So when it seems that God is not moving things along the way you think He should…chances are it’s not time or He has something better in store for you. God knows the desires of our hearts even when we have forgotten them, or dismissed them. Trust Him.

They that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up on wings as eagles. They shall walk and not be weary. They shall run and not faint. Teach me Lord…how to wait.  AMEN.

Re-Record

All of us have a certain amount of baggage that comes with us from past experiences and situations. We would be lying to ourselves if we believed that things that have happened haven’t shaped us in some kind of way. It could be anything from being in abusive relationships to trust issues or fears of rejections….there are so many things that happen to us and a lot of the times we don’t even realize the real effects until long after we are out of the situation. I myself have experienced where I have to remind myself that one situation has nothing to do with another and that everyone deserves a fresh start. Thoughts of doubt will creep in and tell us that we don’t deserve any better or its always going to be the same thing over and over. I have a friend that always says that we have to re-record another tape to play in our heads that is filled with positive thoughts and second chances to get it right. I have learned that having self destructive thoughts is not something that God intends for us to do. That He brings forth life to us…new beginnings…and a fresh way of doing things…so anything that is the opposite of that is not of God. Press re-record on that tape that is playing in your head so that you can walk into the blessings God has for you.

STAND

From the time I was 12-15 I was molested by my step dad. I had pretty much become numb to the entire situation. I had decided that I would just do my best to make it until I was 18 because in my brain I didn’t want to mess up my mom’s happiness. I’ll never forget going to school on Valentine’s Day 1991 I showed up at school in all black from head to toe. I didn’t even bother combing my hair. I just threw on a black head band and brushed my hair straight back. For some people that wouldn’t be too out of the ordinary but for someone who LOVES Valentine’s Day it was extremely out of my normal behavior. I was in a serious fog that day. I remember just having a blank look on my face while everyone else was happy about candy and balloons and candy grams. I wasn’t fazed a bit.  The night before was the last time my step dad would be able to violate me the way that he had for the last three years, and I didn’t even know it. One of my best friends from the time I was 10 saw me and instantly knew what was wrong…. He knew all about the things that were happening to me and even though he wanted me to tell someone what was going on I had sworn him to secrecy.  He would stay on the phone with me late many nights when I was scared that night would be another night my step dad would come to “visit” me in my sleep. On this particular day he got really frustrated with me not wanting to go tell anyone what happened. I guess he couldn’t deal with seeing me so upset.  We had this exchange back and forth that ended with him saying he would not continue to talk to me if I didn’t tell anyone because he couldn’t take seeing me that way anymore. Well… if you have paid attention to anything I have written before or know me you know that I am super stubborn. I was scared to tell anyone…I didn’t know what would happen…I was embarrassed and ashamed for so many reasons that til this day I haven’t told anyone…and I didn’t think anyone would listen and what would happen once my then step dad knew I told. I had so many fears running through my head…and I resented him for trying to push me into something so hard to do.
I told him that it was fine if he didn’t talk to me again. He looked a bit stunned at first but he regrouped and said ok and walked off. I couldn’t believe he just walked off! The first thing I thought was that he didn’t care about me or he wouldn’t pressure me to tell anyone….and he should just respect my choice because it’s me in the situation not him. The NERVE! What I didn’t realize was how much I relied on his friendship to keep me sane through all I was going through.  We had known each other since we were 10 and even though we were just 15 at the time 5 years is a long time for kids to be friends. The entire day when I saw him we just looked and didn’t speak at all. I remember my other classmates asking what was wrong with us because they knew it was weird for he and I not to talk and play with each other through the day. I acted like it didn’t bother me that we weren’t talking, but I felt horrible the entire day. One day felt like forever….I barely slept that night but I made up my mind I would give in. I went straight and told him the next day that I would tell but he had to be with me because I was scared. He gave me a hug that instantly made me feel like it was all going to be ok. We went to a teacher first and she reported it to the office and sent me to the counselor right away. He stayed with me the entire time…even when they tried to send him back to class he stayed until I said it was ok for him to leave…which was when my mom got there. To this day we are the best of friends and he has no clue that 15 year old boy refusing to agree to keep silent saved my life and I will love him forever for that. I’m so thankful God had him there strong for me when I couldn’t be strong for myself. I learned early that sometimes we have to be strong for each other, and sometimes that means saying no to someone and taking a stand that is not comfortable for us. We often think saying yes or going along shows our love for someone but that is not the case and it’s not always what is best for them. God says no to us all the time an in the end it’s for our good. This time was for my good.  Next time you know you should say no to someone for their own good whether it be someone that is an addict,  or even someone In the situation I was in where there is abuse..don’t think of it as not loving them or doing them wrong…you may be saving their life.